Here's my rule of thumb when it comes to dating: If you're interested in me—prove it.
Don't just make plans with me or "promise" to come see me on some random Thursday. Make the effort to stick to that promise and get off your ass to actually come see me.
Don't just send me a plethora of Snapchats as a sign of affection for me to ooh and ahh over because honestly, that dog filter looks hideous on you.
It's plain and simple. Call me when you miss me, text me when you're thinking about me. Be direct, up front and keep the conversation going, or GTFO and stop wasting my time.
It baffles me how so many boys out there are willing to play this endless game of slightly showing interest, developing a promising relationship, then leaving you for a few days/weeks only to come slithering back into your life.
Call it "ghosting" or "orbiting"—I call it complete bullshit. Because you know what? Boys don't seem more manly or masculine for being somewhat "less clingy" as they might perceive it to be. And when they try to hit you up with a text in order win you back, they're really messing around with your feelings to break your heart all over again.
Here's a complication of 10 ACTUAL texts I personally received from real life fuckboys who tried getting back in my life by using the most cringe-worthy excuses to follow with it. And ladies, here are some ways how you can successfully clap back at them the next time this happens to you.
1. The mysterious case of the lost/broken phone
Best reply: Sent from my iPod
OK, so this is misleading because I'm mainly confused as to whether you LOST your phone or BROKE it or did both. Did you break it first? Lost it at the club only to find it broken after you found it? Please, one excuse at a time. If you lost/broke it, how did you send that text if you didn't get a new phone yet??? This requires a full-on FBI investigation
2. The sob story
Best reply: Sorry to hear that. Must've been a loonngg trip to the vet!
Shit happens, but were you really at the vet for the entire three-plus weeks that you didn't text me? I'm crying actual tears while reading this but your dog's misfortune isn't a one way EZ pass back into my life.
3. The Father Earth, Mother Nature
Best reply: Nah it's cool, I was out glacier hunting, no biggie.
Oh dear, this fuckboy needed a break from reality and decided to go on a freaking BACKPACKING trip across California and Arizona (throw in Nevada just for fun). You should try glacier hunting next time you're at it. That way, you can be gone longer than a few days and still have a great excuse, you pretend tree hugger.
4. The howdy
Best reply: Let's keep it that way :)
Nothing like waking up to a morning text like this. I've been great, actually. We haven't talked in SO LONG that I decided to delete your contact and my phone no longer recognized you. Report Junk! Report Fuckboy Alert!
5. The workaholic on lunch break
Best reply: Enjoy your lunch break and leave me alone :)
How uneventful is your lunch break that you decided to whip out your phone, scroll through your list of contacts only to send ME a text? Wow, I am truly honored. Would you like a side of I-Could-Give-Zero-Fucks with that Teriyaki Chicken plate?
6. The aggressive
Best reply: Ghost emoji
I mean, if he's leaving on some extravagant trip tomorrow you might as well do the deed and ghost him first. Also, I just love when guys decide not to reply, only to blame YOU for not texting back...? Do the logic here, something doesn't seem to match up.
7. The send some noods
Best reply: You will hear from my attorney.
This culprit just reached a new level of fuckboy-ness by going straight for the kill on the first try. Maybe a “How are you" would've led me to snap a topless pic for ya...NOT. Ask for a picture one more time and I'm dialing up my attorney for invasion of my privacy.
8. The say my name, say my name
Best reply: May I fuckin' help you???
Yes, that's my name. Yay! You spelled it right! Now, do you remember how I pronounce it? Bet you don't.
(Hint: It's not L, its [/eh-lee/])
9. The airplane mode
Best reply: Sorry I received this text notification, my b
This could go two ways: either his phone was on airplane mode and all notifications were muted OR he saw the notification and just ignored it only to follow up on it a few days later. Either way, I'm sorry you had to swallow your pride to have to text me this afterwards. To your self esteem—RIP!!!
10. The classic I miss you
Best reply: Sure, I miss you. But my aim is getting better.
Aww, my pretty face was thinking about the different ways I can take a swing at you the next time you decide to show up at my house to see me again. Sucks that you miss me, all I can say is that I wish that I felt the same!!
To conclude this article, a final message to all the fuckboys in the world: If you're not interested, stop texting me altogether, stop giving me attention and I will happily do the same by cutting you out of my life.