As a writer, it pains me to admit that words are the ultimate weapon of manipulation, particularly in romantic relationships. Take heed of the amount of weight a partner places on discussed wants and needs in a relationship, plans for dates, intimate details about your personal life, etc.
Often, men that I have been involved with would simply agree without any intention of altering their behavior or paying their respects to me as an independent, mature woman. In retrospect, it's obvious that I should have ended these relationships before I allowed myself to suffer the heartache of a bad match.
Listen. to. your. instincts.
It's that simple—don't allow yourself to be swept into a situation that you are uncomfortable with or have ill feelings about. Make a judgment, and stick to that judgment. Romantic partners will attempt to take advantage of you, especially if you're as young and good-hearted as me. Don't lose that spirit full of love and care, but rather listen to how your body responds in the presence of your romantic interest. Are you full of hope and desire, or discomfort and wariness? Feel your bodily response. Follow that.
You are human, however. It's hard to follow advice when you feel so compelled to do otherwise. In that case, here are the stages of bullshit you'll experience if you decide to "give him a chance" anyway:
1. Everyone will tell you: "Take a chance on him!"
Though your bullshit radar is beeping wildly, you go against your better judgment and listen to your friends. After all, you don't know them well enough to formulate an accurate judgment, right? You've only been on a couple dates, and all those women's studies courses have corrupted your sense of all men (or people in general), right?
2. Sweet words
There will be late nights filled with sweet words about the wondrous aspects of your personalities and the desire to be curled up in each other's arms, the occasional kissy-face or heart emoji tactfully placed at the end of the concession that the two of you need to wake up early in the morning. They will rope you into their web of false words and empty promises up to the point at which you give into certain desires.
3. You're taken for granted
As they have accomplished their ulterior motive of progressing physical intimacy to its furthest extent—the extent that you would allow, anyway—there is no need to put in the time and effort necessary for a deep, committed relationship. You will push back on these changes, but your partner will respond with flippant disregard for the emotional impact of what has happened. What are you talking about? You're such a worrier! Of course I am interested in you! Too many words, not enough action to back up these responses.
4. Excuses
You will continue to excuse this behavior in order to salvage that initial relationship, to no avail. Thinking back to those wondrous first moments, you blame yourself for slipping into subpar circumstances. But it's not your fault—it was never their intention to remain in that sweet, sweet chase. He will make excuses for his behavior. He will claim to be perpetually busy. I would rather get dinner with you, but I'm busy with a group project or Sorry! I got held up! Though he was away on Snapchat and active on Facebook. Oh yeah, you must be so busy!
5. Empty promises
Discussions on improving communication habits and meeting more often will temporarily cure that nagging feeling that he's using you. He did say that he was sorry, that he would try his best to make changes to accommodate your needs. However, he will not keep up in the long-run. Maybe for a day or two to make you feel listened to, but ultimately he will slip into old habits. Do not rely on words alone–you must demand action, or drop him.
6. Living on moments
Out of the blue, he will appear at your place because you're the one who made your schedule flexible, you're the one who would urge him to make late-night phone calls that never took place or have coffee just to see each other for a few minutes in the midst of a busy day. You will allow him to show up at his convenience or to contact you at his convenience because you're still holding onto that last shred of hope that he means well. But you have to understand that your feelings are valid and the pain will only worsen with time.
7. Everyone will tell you: "Break up with him!"
This is when your friends will insist that you let him go. This is when your sister will take you aside and tell you how much you truly deserve and how he ain't worth shit. This is when you will waver between your conflicting perspectives on him: Does he deserve the benefit of the doubt? Why does he deserve anything from you? This is when you see your friends and family members with their partners and cry behind closed doors about what should have been you, when you walk down the streets and notice every kiss, every hug and become even more salty toward your partner.
8. You let him go
At a certain point you realize that your sense of self-worth and self-respect is worth more than your partner would ever be willing to offer. You have extended your warmth and patience towards them for long enough. The reserves of strength you retained through this difficult progression have been used up to the final drop. But you have learned a great deal from the process and will come out better and more resilient as a result.