10 Things You Learn Being With The Right Guy After Being In An Abusive Relationship

10 Things You Learn Being With The Right Guy After Being In An Abusive Relationship

What you deserve is NOT impossible.
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This is out of bounds for me to write about a guy I have only been talking to for a short period of time but there has been so much I have learned within these past few months that no one else has taught me. Well, no romantic relationship that I have shared with another individual has taught me. But coming out of an abusive relationship, I was very guarded and very stubborn about how I want to be treated. I was never going to settle for less than I deserve again. Whether what I have with someone who treats me this good lasts or not, the lesson has been more than enough for me. And now that I am where I am with someone else, here are 10 things I have learned in the process:

1. You are not wrong for having standards

For the longest time after my relationship ended, I thought my standards were too high. Although, now that I think about it, my standards only consist of one being emotionally intelligent, having good communication skills, and honesty. Regardless of your standards, be true to who you are and what you know you deserve. I promise, whether it comes and goes, there is someone who will look at what you deserve as pebbles instead of mountains.

2. There is no such thing as trust issues, just the people you trust

My mom told me two years ago that I don't have trust issues, I just am trusting the wrong people. Then, I thought she was wrong but now I understand. I understand now that your intuition is right about people. When you're up all night worried if someone is going to hurt you in any way, listen to yourself. You only think you have issues trusting others because poor quality people have led you to believe that being dishonest is normal. It isn't normal, just listen to what your body is telling you.

3. Someone who wants you will be what you need

No, this doesn't mean be with someone you need to change or ask someone to change for you. What I mean is for you and the person that is interested in you both realize what the other needs and act accordingly.

For example, I need emotion and someone who is secure with who they are and how they feel. This -said- man isn't a very emotional person and isn't really verbal with emotions at all, but for me he is. He says and acts on his feelings in ways that don't require me to sit and wonder if he likes me or what things are. I have expressed what I want and don't want from a romantic relationship and he has listened to that.

4. Communicate

This one is a no-brainer but somehow I still find myself feeling off about something that I want the other person to know right off the bat. They aren't going to know unless I tell them. Communication is truly the key to any relationship you will have in your life. Communicate what hurts you, what you like and don't like, and everything that will benefit what you guys have. Communicate the miscommunication as well.

5. Potential partners are not mind-readers

Communication brings me to the idea that we share that our partners are masters at mind-reading. I was disappointed when I found out that men I like aren't mind-readers. As I am sure we all were when we were pitching a fit and expected the person we like to know why. Well, they don't know anything unless you tell them, the same way you don't.

If you take anything from this article, your partner cannot read your mind. Be open to communication, even if it sucks to say out loud.

6. Be open and vulnerable to change

One thing I have been working on is accepting change as it comes. I have grown tired of my surroundings looking and sounding the same, and with that, I know I needed to be okay with different and change. Being around someone new, someone different, someone right after a toxic relationship scared me. I wanted nothing more than to hold onto the hurt I have always known with the hope that it would change.

When I let my guard down and let go of the idea that every guy is going to treat me poorly is when I knew that the moment I accept change, I will accept all that's good. I have never been so vulnerable and so open to different than I am right now. Which I think, too, comes with trust.

7. Do not carry your hurt over into your next relationship

Just because you have been treated poorly in the past doesn't mean someone else is going to treat you that way. You need to know your worth and what you deserve and surround yourself with people who know that as well. Trust yourself and those around you. If you continue to respond to your old hurt with your new partner, do not expect things to last with them. No one wants to put up with someone's hurt, although it's sweet, it's unrealistic.

8. What's yours is yours

What's yours will never keep you wondering if they're with someone else. What's yours will never have you wondering if it's not. What's yours will be clearly yours. You will not have to ponder on whether or not it's anything but yours. It'll come easy and it'll be effortless. You won't have to battle for what's your's day in and day out.

9. If your friends and family do not like the person you're interested in, listen

This is what I have ignored as well as almost every girl/guy, my age, in my life has. We are so notorious for ignoring the opinions of our family and friends. These are the people who know us sometimes better than we know ourselves. They at least know what's best for you when you are so blindly in love. Listen to these people you surround yourself with and trust their opinions.

10. How you treat yourself will be how they treat you

And lastly, you do indeed set the example of how people will and should treat you. Let the love you have for yourself be the example of how others should love you. If you are in a position of having no love for yourself, I think it's best you don't let anyone in until you do.

In my last relationship, I was poorly treated and I know for a fact it had a lot to do with how I saw myself. He said the same things I would say to myself, regardless of whether I set that for myself from the beginning or because of, it still became how he and I saw me. I didn't love myself and that showed him how he should love me. Now, I treat myself with so much care and love and those around me do the same.


Cover Image Credit: Becca Tapert

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

10 Things My Significant Other MUST Do In Order To Earn The Privilege Of Meeting My Mom

I say "Hakuna Matata" on the daily, but you really need to say it when you prepare to meet my mom.

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Besides getting married, meeting the parents can be the most stressful time in any relationship. Your boyfriend could be freaking out because he doesn't want to sound like a loon in front of your dad or your mom may be chopping the vegetables a little too loudly making your girlfriend seem uncomfortable in the presence of a knife. Stressing for days (maybe even weeks) up until the day arrives is apart of being in love because you want your parents to love your significant other just as much as you do and when the dinner is finally over, you can breathe again. My family is a little different and my boyfriend has to do these things to be able to meet my mom and my brother (may as well add my cousins into the mix, too because they're my older siblings).

1. Pass the "Best Friends Test"

I have 6 best friends and each one of them has a unique personality. There's the momma friend, the crazy friend, the questionable friend, the laid back friend, the turnt friend, and the friend who just wants me to be happy. If they don't like you, I'll talk to them to figure out why they don't like you. Either way, if you hurt me, they'll hurt you.

2. Prove that stability is your main priority five years from now, even if I'm not in your plan

Things happen and we can't predict everything. We can be together now, break up in a year, and then get back together. It's part of being a teenager/young adult. We deal with a lot, I mean, we're in college, but the older we get, the more stressful life gets, so I want you to show me that you can handle whatever stresses come your way. I want you to be stable on your own before adding a girlfriend into the mix.

3. Deal with my "Hunger Fits"

Let's face it, I can be a brat, but I'm only a brat on three occasions.

1. I'm sleepy.

2. You didn't let me get my way.

3. I'm hungry.

If you eat without me or go get food without me, I might cry and pout like a two-year-old, so you have to be able to handle it. Pro-tip, have snacks with you whenever we go somewhere.

4. Be okay with getting roasted

My cousins are the funniest people you'll ever meet, but they aren't afraid to talk about you while you sit in front of them, so I need to know that you're okay with being roasted. They're not doing it to be mean (trust me, they aren't), but they're doing it because they're my family and they care about me as if I were their little sister.

5. Be able to hold an intelligent conversation for more than 5 minutes

Good conversation is an essential part of a relationship and I love talking about things that are happening in the world today and because my mom is super knowledgeable on a lot of things, you have to be able to talk for more than 5 minutes about something that's engaging.

6. Remain calm in the face of a difficult conversation

I know when it came to certain topics, I used to go off like a volcano, but I've had to grow out of exploding on people just because they don't agree with me. It takes months, maybe even years to master that type of patience and self-restraint, but I grew up fast, so I needed to learn in less than a year how to hold my tongue. I need to know that if you and I (or someone in my family) were to be in a serious conversation, you'd remain calm. I won't blow up on you, so please don't blow up on me (or my family) because then it might not end so well.

7. State your opinion, no matter how mad I might get

Following up with number six, this is a must! I'm a writer, so I deal with a lot of written opinions on the daily. I'm also involved in a lot of organizations where open dialogue is encouraged, so I deal with a lot of verbal opinions, too. People are going to say what they want to say no matter what and I want you to be able to tell me what's on your mind no matter how severe it may be. I'm here for you and I want you to know that you can trust me with your opinions. I might not agree with them, but I can deal with them.

8. Be able to sit and talk about sports and video games with my brother

You'll for sure meet my older brother before you meet my mom only because he acts just like my late grandfather; calm and laid back. He goes with the flow and doesn't get upset unless I get upset, so you don't have to worry about the big bad overprotective brother (but he is very big and very overprotective). He'd much rather sit and talk about "fork-knife" or a basketball game than grill you. It's just how he is. Also, don't be offended if he engages in conversation with you for like ten minutes before he loses interest in talking to you and goes back to playing his game.

9. Be okay and open to the possibility of a long distance relationship

I don't plan on staying down South for long. I actually won't stay here after I graduate from college. Long distance relationships don't work for 40% of all couples, but I want us to not be a statistic. I believe that we could make it, so I would need to know that you'd be okay with me being a thousand miles away; and of course, if you were halfway across the country, I would learn to be okay with it, too.

10. Love your family as much as you love me

Family is a big deal for me. It's always been me, my older brother, and my mom. You may come from a household where it's you and both of your parents, you and one parent, or you, your parent(s), and your siblings. I love my mom and brother with all of my heart and would drop anything (and I have dropped things) to be with them. I want to see that you love your family with the same amount of love that you give me. A man who loves the family he is born into will love the family he marries into.

My family's triangle has never been broken before, so this is new territory for all of us. Don't feel like an outsider, though! These may seem extensive and extra, but it's the things that matter to me. Aside from the apparent trustworthiness, loyalty, wanting three pets, having a sense of humor, and education that I look for in a guy, you have to do these ten things to meet my mom.

If you pass all of these, then you get to meet her. Don't stress about it though because if she doesn't like you at the first meeting, she'll come around by the next because she loves me and she'll see that I love you.

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To The Parents Who Raised The Man Of My Dreams, It Paid Off

You did a phenomenal job.

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As a parent, you always wonder if you're doing it right. Parenting doesn't come with instructions. You're not told how to punish your children in every situation or what to do whenever they accomplish something. You're not completely prepared for it. However, for someone without instructions, you did a phenomenal job.

You raised the man of my dreams.

I've dated throughout my teens and every guy seemed to be the same, but with your son everything was different. Your son is everything I've ever wanted. He is perfect. He is such a gentleman. I want you to know everything you taught him like holding the door and paying for dates, it worked.

I want you to know he doesn't show anger towards me. I'm sure I aggravate him and make him angry, but I want you to know I'll never know when I've done so because he doesn't show it. He gets mad with football games and after he gets done yelling, he apologizes.

He makes me feel beautiful. He has seen me at my absolute worse. He has seen me right when I wake up in the morning with no makeup and my hair is a mess and he tells me I'm beautiful. Whenever so get dressed up, he notices. He makes sure to let me know I look beautiful. He pays attention to detail like that my hair is curled or I have a new nose ring in and he adds them in with the compliments.

He is always supportive. Whenever I started back to school, he was so proud of me. When I started writing for The Odyssey, he shared my articles. He will tell me how proud he is of me. When I make good grades on assignments, he tells me good job.

He is so loving. He comforts me whenever I'm sick. When I had the stomach bug, he got my medicine, trashcans, and played with my hair to comfort me. He brushes and straightens my hair for me whenever I don't feel like it because he wants it to look good.

Thanks to you I have found someone who treats me wonderful. If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't know how to treat a lady. It is because of you that he turned out to be nice and respectful man he is today. I want you to know you did an amazing job raising him. He's everything I've ever wanted. Thank you for raising him to be such a gentleman. Thank you for raising him to be everything I've ever dreamed of.

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