An Open Letter To The Boy That Hurt Me

An Open Letter To The Boy That Hurt Me

Everything you never knew.
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Dear Boy That Hurt Me (over and over again),

Though I've seen this letter written by a million different people in a million different ways, I've also rewritten this probably a million times since you left. But now, after six months, I've finally found all the words that I wanted to say to you, and surprisingly enough they aren't "I'm sorry."

I've constantly apologized to you. For not being enough, for being who I am, for not being or looking who you wanted me to be. I would always feel bad when you hurt me, ignored me, or even when you made me so angry. Though today it makes me so happy that I don't want to say sorry now. I can't believe this but now I get to say thank you.

I hope she makes you happy, happier than I ever did. I think you deserve a girl who makes you feel like you can do anything you set your mind too. I'm terribly sorry I couldn't do that for you. I hope you treat her the same way you treated me in the beginning, and if not better than that. If you do end up growing tired of her and want to end things, don't treat her the same you did to me. If she's anything like me, she'll question everything and begin to hate herself. Even if you don't love her anymore, please don't let her lose the love she has for herself. It's been five, almost six months, and my love for myself is finally beginning to show.

I never thought another person could have so much influence on the way I behave or act. You literally made me hate myself. I cried myself to sleep most nights and cried so hard that I threw up. I didn't eat, didn't smile, didn't talk at all because those simple text messages you sent me on that day. It was so heartbreaking and truly shattering how someone I was so very close to and shared some of my deepest secrets with could say those words to me. You made me trust you and let you in. I told you things I never told anyone. I was vulnerable with you, and you took that vulnerability to hurt me in the end. All of this made me wonder if that's how other people saw me too. You used to make me feel so beautiful but after you left I had never felt more ugly in my entire life.

I know that deep down you're a genuine person, but if you ever wonder what it was you did to me, think of the girl silently sobbing in her dorm trying to not wake her roommate. I want you to think of the girl that never slept because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become my own personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who physically couldn't eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused by thinking what she could've done wrong. I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so so so much that she had to force herself to even get out of bed in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I want you to think of the girl that had to go to therapy every week, who had to go up on her medication because the pain was so bad it needed to be numbed. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden since you left me.

You lied to me so many times. You lied to me about talking to her, and about your true feelings towards her. I began to wonder if your compliments were actually true. When you called me beautiful or when you said I could accomplish great things; were those lies too? The time we spent together all became a huge question mark to me. Did you really see me as the brunette girl in your dreams like you said you did? I can't tell what you're genuine about anymore. Not like it matters. I just wish you saw how much this all affected me. Maybe you would at least care then.

Honestly, I think I almost forgave you. For how you acted, for how you controlled me towards the end, and how you ended things. I can't ever forgive you for making me hate myself. You made me question my self-worth; that's not something I really ever pictured myself being capable of. You'd understand if you were me. Funny enough, if you were me, I wouldn't have put you through that situation in the first place. I would never have put you through what you've put me through. I valued you way more than that and didn't lie when I said I'd never hurt you either.

But still, despite all that, I hope she's good for you and keeps you happy. Though, I still hope your family hates her and constantly reminds you of how much they liked me and how good I was for you. If I have to continue to remember every day how you caused me to hate myself, I think you deserve that little remembrance of me every day too. I hope that if and when you see me for the first time since we broke up, that you feel that pain in your gut, guilt perhaps, that made you feel terrible for having treated me the way you did and leaving like the coward you truly are.

This letter is everything I want to say but never could tell you. This is everything you need to know, but never will. I guess I have some control over the situation. Yes, control, what I craved and wanted the entire time. But none of that matters anymore. You are one of the greatest, yet worst people I've had the absolute pleasure of meeting.

Without you, I couldn't be as strong and mature as I am now. And though, there is almost zero chance you'll ever come across this. I want to say two words. It's not "I'm sorry." It's thank you. You changed me for the worst, but I've finally changed me for the better. Thanks to you, I never have to feel sorry for being exactly who I am.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Was Wrong About You

Cover Image Credit: Facebook

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

Once You Become My Ex, Please Know I Never Want Another Text From You Again

Block my number. I've already blocked yours.

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Growing up, it was always super important to me to end a relationship on good terms, at least as best as I could. I was friends with pretty much all of my exes, whether we talked frequently or not. It just made things easier in a small town with one high school.

I had it all wrong, though.

The truth is, I don't want to be your friend if we break up. Hell, I don't even want you to text me. There's no reason for it.

Be up in arms all you want at the "pettiness" or "drama" of this if that's what you want to do, I don't really care either way. Each relationship I've experienced in my lifetime has a specific place in my past, but that's exactly where they'll stay: my past. Every ex has their own designated chapter in a closed book.

When you end on terms that are even remotely OK, it's easy to stay checked in into each other's lives, whether that's texting or following them on social media. Something reminds you of them and you both text and reminisce about it, you congratulate them on a Facebook post, you watch their Snapchat and Instagram stories.

I don't care if you think we ended on good terms or not, don't check up on me. Don't tell me you hope I'm doing well. Don't try to contact me at all, frankly.

We're not friends. We were a couple, but now we're not. Any form of a relationship between the two of us ceased to exist the moment we ended our relationship. I'm not in high school anymore, I'm not still in that small town. I don't need to be your friend and keep up appearances to ensure the friend group still feels like nothing's really changed or to make everyone feel comfortable when we're both around.

So who are we kidding? There's just no reason for you to interact with me in any capacity. I don't need to be checked up on. I don't need you to text me for any reason, ever. Trust me, I'm doing just fine.

To all of my exes, you've held a significant place in my life, sure.

But your friendship isn't crucial to my happiness anymore.

I learned how to be just fine without you, so it's time for you to do the same.

I don't need the pleasantries, so just forget them. It's fine and all that maybe they matter to you, but they don't to me. I can promise you that I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to know how you've been, I don't want to know what you've been up to.

I've moved on. I don't need you in my life anymore, and frankly, I don't want you in it. I don't need to be your friend. So don't follow me on Twitter, delete me from your Snapchat, and block my number. I've already blocked yours.

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To My Best Friend Dealing With A Broken Heart, We'll Get Through This Together

I can't actually fill that void.

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To my best friend dealing with a broken heart,

It won't last forever.

Your heart, scratch that—you—will heal. You're already strong, but you'll become tougher. You're already smart, but you'll become wiser. You're already sexy, but you'll become even more irresistible.

And I'll be here the entire time. I can't wait to see who you become.

It won't be easy. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that you'll be smiling and confidently strutting the streets by tomorrow. You have everything you need, but if your heart needs some time, take it. There's no rulebook. Honestly, I don't know how I got out of my rut, but I did and now I'm here. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I cried on end, but my support group–you–helped me through it one day at a time. Don't stress about what other people think—even me, forget my thoughts! Focus on you. What does your body need? What does your soul need?

I'm sorry. I wish I could take away this pain.

There's nothing that can compare to this feeling and I know I can't actually fill that void—no one can, other than you.

You never think it'll happen to you.

You had the future planned out. You shared your deepest darkest secrets. You both shared, I love you's and genuinely meant it. Of course, there were happy times. It was all real. I won't bash your ex unless you need me to (personally, I cringe anytime someone speaks badly of my ex... at the end of the day, I loved that man) but, just know, you did everything you could.

It wasn't meant to be and, one day, you will find your happily ever after. That love will be greater than anything you can ever imagine.

I'm not going to sit here and let you mope. The memories will never fade, but at this moment, forget about the past and the future, only the now. If you are angry, punch a wall, but steer away from feeling regret. Nothing in life is worth regretting over. It is all lessons-learned and adventures to remember later on.

This will pass and you will laugh about it. When I heard that for the first time, I wanted to scream, I could never laugh at the situation, but here I am now. You lost someone and that's never easy, but you've also gained so much experience.

You are gorgeous and breathtaking, you better start believing it because anyone would be so lucky to have you in their life.

Today, you start loving yourself.

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