An Open Letter To The Boy That Hurt Me

An Open Letter To The Boy That Hurt Me

Everything you never knew.

Dear Boy That Hurt Me (over and over again),

Though I've seen this letter written by a million different people in a million different ways, I've also rewritten this probably a million times since you left. But now, after six months, I've finally found all the words that I wanted to say to you, and surprisingly enough they aren't "I'm sorry."

I've constantly apologized to you. For not being enough, for being who I am, for not being or looking like who you wanted me to be. I would always feel bad when you hurt me, ignored me, or even when you made me so angry. Though today it makes me so happy that I don't want to say sorry now. I can't believe this, but now I get to say, thank you.

I hope she makes you happy, happier than I ever did. I think you deserve a girl who makes you feel like you can do anything you set your mind to. I'm terribly sorry I couldn't do that for you. I hope you treat her the same way you treated me in the beginning, and, if not, better than that. If you do end up growing tired of her and want to end things, don't treat her the same way you did to me. If she's anything like me, she'll question everything and begin to hate herself. Even if you don't love her anymore, please don't let her lose the love she has for herself. It's been five, almost six, months and my love for myself is finally beginning to show.

I never thought another person could have so much influence on the way I behave or act. You literally made me hate myself. I cried myself to sleep most nights and cried so hard that I threw up. I didn't eat, didn't smile, didn't talk at all, because of those simple text messages you sent me on that day. It was so heartbreaking and truly shattering how someone I was so very close to and shared some of my deepest secrets with could say those words to me. You made me trust you and let you in. I told you things I never told anyone. I was vulnerable with you, and you took that vulnerability to hurt me in the end. All of this made me wonder if that's how other people saw me too. You used to make me feel so beautiful but after you left I had never felt more ugly in my entire life.

I know that deep down you're a genuine person, but if you ever wonder what it was you did to me, think of the girl silently sobbing in her dorm trying to not wake her roommate. I want you to think of the girl that never slept because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become my own personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who physically couldn't eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused by thinking what she could've done wrong. I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so so so much that she had to force herself to even get out of bed in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I want you to think of the girl that had to go to therapy every week, who had to go up on her medication because the pain was so bad it needed to be numbed. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden since you left me.

You lied to me so many times. You lied to me about talking to her, and about your true feelings towards her. I began to wonder if your compliments were actually true. When you called me beautiful or when you said I could accomplish great things, were those lies too? The time we spent together all became a huge question mark to me. Did you really see me as the brunette girl in your dreams like you said you did? I can't tell what you're genuine about anymore. Not like it matters. I just wish you saw how much this all affected me. Maybe you would at least care then.

Honestly, I think I almost forgave you. For how you acted, for how you controlled me towards the end, and how you ended things. I can't ever forgive you for making me hate myself. You made me question my self-worth, that's not something I really ever pictured myself being capable of. You'd understand if you were me. Funny enough, if you were me, I wouldn't have put you through that situation in the first place. I would never have put you through what you've put me through. I valued you way more than that and didn't lie when I said I'd never hurt you either.

But still, despite all that, I hope she's good for you and keeps you happy. Though, I still hope your family hates her and constantly reminds you of how much they liked me and how good I was for you. If I have to continue to remember every day how you caused me to hate myself, I think you deserve that little remembrance of me every day too. I hope that if and when you see me for the first time since we broke up, that you feel that pain in your gut, guilt perhaps, that made you feel terrible for having treated me the way you did and leaving like the coward you truly are.

This letter is everything I want to say but never could tell you. This is everything you need to know, but never will. I guess I have some control over the situation. Yes, control, what I craved and wanted the entire time. But none of that matters anymore. You are one of the greatest yet worst people I've had the absolute pleasure of meeting.

Without you, I couldn't be as strong and mature as I am now. And though, there is almost zero chance you'll ever come across this. I want to say two words. It's not "I'm sorry." It's "thank you." You changed me for the worst, but I've finally changed me for the better.

Thanks to you, I never have to feel sorry for being exactly who I am.


The Girl Who Was Wrong About You

Cover Image Credit: Facebook

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

As Much As You May Want To, You'll Never Get Over Your First Love

You never forget your first


Your first love is just that: the first person you've ever truly loved (besides your family and friends). Maybe you've kissed a few people before, but with this person it's different. They mean something to you that no other person ever has before. Maybe you met this person when you were younger in high school or met them a little later in life as I did at the end of my first year of college. Meeting my first love transformed me, both for the good and the bad, and as much as I may want to, I'll never get over my first love and neither will you.

When we met, we didn't meet in some fantastical way, we met on Tinder right after a surprise breakup of mine. We had instant chemistry, and I didn't get to kiss him for weeks because I ended up getting mono right after the breakup (haha whoops). He was the first person I've ever kissed who I didn't want to stop kissing- ever. Yes, second semester freshman year me was super extra when it came to him, but being with him was so different than anyone else. Things progressed through the summer as we talked every single day, even though we never got to meet up because we were both busy, and at the beginning of my sophomore year, I lost my virginity to him. That was a big step for someone who thought she'd wait until she was married. He made sure I was fine and didn't push me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'll treasure that forever.

He was someone I loved with all of my being, to the point where it was physically hurting me in the end because I knew what I felt wasn't going to ever be reciprocated the way I wanted it to be. That's when I had to end it, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To me, he was a boyfriend, but to him, I was a friend with benefits. I wanted something more and he wanted less, and I didn't want to accept that. I wasn't his first love but he was mine, which he doesn't know and probably never will. I have had moments where I thought I was over him, but then all the emotions flood right back. In hard moments of hurt is when I miss him the most, but also in moments of joy too. If I see a nice car I think of him, or of other little things, like a french bulldog or The Fast and The Furious.

Your first love leaves such a monumental effect on you as a person. They have seen parts of you others have not. You will always remember your firsts more than anything else, which is why your first love never leaves you. As roughly as things ended between he and I, he's always going to have a piece of me that no one else will ever have. The relationship we had wasn't what you'd expect from someone you call your first love, but his mark on me is what helped shape me into who I am today for better or for worse.

Don't let any negativity remain when it comes to your first love (if there is any). Let it go and remember the good. They will be a part of you forever, so you can never truly get over you.

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Why You Keep Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Love You Back In Your 20s

It's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.


Can love truly be both beautiful and heartbreaking?

It's a question I silently asked myself, sitting shotgun in a car next to someone I considered my friend.

A "friend" seemed to be the right label to define our relationship. To him, I was just a friend—who just happened to be a girl, a girl he texts regularly, jokes around, and can grab a drink with. And we loved each other as friends, because we both trusted each other, we had fun together and each had our own independent lives which would connect occasionally in a complete, non-questionable platonic way.

But slowly, for me, he was becoming everything I've ever wanted in a guy, standing right in front of me. But he wasn't mine to have.

And imagine being so close to someone you want except you can't have him because it might just ruin everything you've already shared together. Because what if you scare him away? What if he replies by telling you "No"?

That's the simple nature of falling in love with someone you can't be with.

In our early part of our lives—particularly in our 20s and during our college years, we all experience this type of heartbreak.

To name a few: A high school boyfriend who lives halfway across the country now. The hot guy you sit next to in lecture who already has a girlfriend. The casual hookup who you just can't manage to stop thinking about as you endlessly toss and turn at night. The platonic friend who doesn't quite see you as being something more.

We all at one point in our thoughts have imagined "coupling" or sharing a life with a guy who we can't seem to have for ourselves. We've always dreamt how things could actually work out if you actually shared your feelings with him except the closest we'll ever reach to it is in our dreams, not reality.

And to examine the logic behind why this happens, we have to first admit how we always want what we can't have.

Because it's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

So, it's not really this case of the whole Romeo and Juliet "star-crossed lovers" BS but rather, it's purely a one sided love which can most definitely be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Beautiful because there's always a connection you feel which makes you all warm and bubbly inside but heartbreaking because you know this connection is merely flowing in a one way track.

So then, why do we tend to maintain our connections with these people who hurt us?

One reason is because you're afraid to lose him altogether. Perhaps you think he's going to go on full freak-out mode after you spill the beans to him. My piece of advice in this scenario would be to just suck it up and take the chance. Talk to him about how you feel because honestly, what's there to lose? Unless you're not reciting some sappy, over-the-top love story about how many kids you plan to have with him, you're fine.

But perhaps, the most common reason is because we assume he might eventually fall in love with us, too.

And if this pertains to you, gear up because I can write on for days about why this is a big no-no. Heck, I can probably teach a class or lecture to all of you about my elaborative theory of why you will definitely know whether a boy truly loves you or not. It's plain and simple—if he loves you, he'll make sure you know.

And you can't force someone to fall in love with you. Even if you pay them a million bucks, you can get them to pretend to love you or force them to be with you—but it's never going to be true love. Because true, unrequited love is effortless. It comes naturally. The fiery passion will be shared mutually and you won't ever have to question whether or not you belong with him.

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