Dear Swoonie B,
So, I really like this guy, but I kind of suck at telling if any guy is interested in me. We're both quiet, too. I see him three times a week, but we NEVER really speak. We've spoken a few times. Our families went to lunch together, and we sat next to each other. He was making a point to talk to me. So I guess that's good? Or maybe he's just trying to be friendly? I don't know. I'm terrible at this. I guess overall I'm wondering how to show him I'm interested and pick up on whether he's interested without having to say it. I've been rejected a lot, and I am scared of it happening again.
After reading your submission, I was drawn to the part that says "I see him three times a week, but we NEVER really speak." That, to me, is the answer to your question.
I say this because if a guy doesn't make an effort to talk to you, especially if he sees you regularly, then chances are he hasn't considered pursuing you.
This could be for a variety of reasons, so please please please don't jump to assuming it has anything to do with you. In fact, I encourage you to believe any other scenario for your own sanity (because the likelihood of it being one of the following is high). It's possible that...
- He doesn't want a relationship
- He's already talking to someone else
- He's focused on school, work, etc
- He didn't think you'd be interested
No matter what the reason is, though, you'll never know if you don't communicate, which is another thing I favor.
Because if you don't put yourself out there, aren't vulnerable, and don't communicate, you will never know.
The reality of the situation is that you can never assume someone is interested because they spoke to you that one time at a family lunch... that was him being friendly. Does that mean he wouldn't be interested if you actually started chatting? No. But as of right now, that's clearly not on his radar. So you have to get on it!
I know you mentioned you've been rejected a lot and you're scared that it will happen again, but if you believe the possibility of the reward is worth the risk, then just go for it! You've healed before and you'll heal again if it doesn't go the way you hope.
Plus! It does not have to be weird. By casually reacting/responding to his Insta Story or texting him to say hi you make it known you want to chat more than the few times you have and you can go from there — friends do this too, you know. So if he thinks it's weird, that's on him. For all he knows, you are just being friendly.
Before you do this, though, ask yourself these questions:
- What do I want with him?
- Is it a relationship you're looking for? A hookup? Determine what you want before you plant the seed and then take baby steps to get there.
- Am I worried about talking to him because of my past experiences or because there are red flags?
- If your answer to the above question is you're nervous to start a conversation because of your past experiences, then I say move forward and leave the past in the past. If there are other red flags though, forget about it.
The key is to be patient and not force something to happen or rush it. Let him snap or text you first sometimes. If you do get into the flow of talking more, then comes figuring out what's next.
Here are eight signs he's into you, once you start talking:
1. He's not afraid to text or call you to check in.
There doesn't have to be a "reason" for him to check in other than he wants to talk to you. The "I don't have anything to say" excuse is bogus because a quick "How are you?" or "How was your day?" is really all that's necessary to start a conversation. It's not rocket science, so if they're not doing this simple thing, they might not be worth it.
This, of course, is a two-way street. If you want to talk to him and he hasn't texted, reach out! It doesn't have to be a weird thing because saying "Hey, how's it going?" doesn't have to immediately mean romance — friends do this, too. So text him first if you want to! If the conversation flows and he's interested, chances are he'll text you first next time around.
2. He consistently starts up conversations.
Going off of point number one, if he does start conversations regularly, he's into you. This doesn't necessarily automatically mean he has feelings or that it's romantic, but the interest is there. He wouldn't keep chatting with you otherwise.
3. He tries to get to know you and asks questions to get to know more.
If you're only ever talking about him and he doesn't seem to want to get to know you, then you can assume he just doesn't care enough. Don't take it personally though if this is the case! It's possible he's just not looking for a relationship and doesn't want to get too close.
4. His body language says so.
If his hands are clammy, he leans toward you when you talk, he stands inches away from you when you're face-to-face, and these other clear body language clues, he's likely into you.
5. He's not just looking for action.
Should you find yourself talking to him regularly and you're not seeing each other frequently or he's not getting anything "physical" from it, the connection is there. If he didn't genuinely enjoy talking to you, he wouldn't.
6. He starts to open up.
This won't necessarily happen at the beginning, but if he starts to open up to you and your conversations become deeper and more meaningful, chances are he likes you.
7. He remembers things about you.
So you talk, you open up, and you realize he's actually remembering the things you're sharing with him — he cares.
8. He asks you out on a date.
Sure, texting, Snapchatting, phone calls, and FaceTime are cool, but when it comes time to actually see each other, he'll ask you out.
In the meantime, show yourself some self-love.
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