First Dates. They can go two ways: either there's an immediate spark between you two, the conversation goes smoothly and there's shared mutual interest which leads to a definite second date. OR it's the complete opposite—a complication of awkward hugs, cringe worthy jokes and sporadic random questions which ends with both of you running away from each other into opposite directions.
I've been a single, "uncuffed" girl for a little over a year now so it's plausible to assume that I've gone on a number of first dates, both good and bad. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing better than going on a really amazing date with an equally amazing guy. But you know what's even more memorable? All the awkward parts of a bad one which you're traumatized with for the rest of your lifetime.
Here's a complication of 10 awkward parts of first dates which make me want to stay single FOREVER:
1. Schedule match maker
Match making to find a date-able guy is one thing. But, trying to figure out a date, time and place where you can meet him requires a full on FBI crime investigation spread sheet.
My new business proposal is to create an app like Tinder where you and your potential BF candidate both plug in your day/time/restaurant preferences and you two can swipe your way into a match to determine where and when you get to meet up.
2. Awkward greetings
Me: "Hiii! Are you ____?"
Him: "Hey! Yes, I am. Are you Elle?"
Me: No, I'm just a random stranger who just happens to know your name and decided to say hi to you.
*cue the random, incommodiously posed hug*
3. The classic: "You look cuter in person than in pictures"
I mean, thanks for telling me that—but it just sends this metamessage that you stalked my Instagram feed moments before meeting me in person and it's kiiiinda creeping me out.
4. Conversation hell
Which way is this conversation going? If we get set up by mutual friends into a blind date situation, do we start talking about our friends? Should I talk about the weather? Do I start talking about myself?Would that make me come off as an arrogant, stuck up little bitch?
What. Do. We. Talk. About?!
5. Unnecessary humble brags
When I ask you: Where do you work?, I don't need an entire improvised speech about how you got recruited onto the team, became regional district champion of sales two months in and got a signing bonus of $1,000 on your promotion.
That said, when you ask me about school, I will be HONEST and say that I am currently being destroyed with classes blow after blow, I just bombed a practice LSAT last weekend and my hobbies include crying myself to sleep every night, thank you for asking.
6. Hella weird questions
Case in point
Him: Is Elle short for anything? Like Elizabeth or Eleanor?
Me: No. It's just Elle.
Him: Then why do you spell it like "L" but you pronounce it like "eh-lee"?
Me: Because...it's my name??
7. "Do you see us being together?"
Another hella weird question which deserves a point of its own. I beg to ask you WHY you think that's a great question to ask me on a first date and WHY you suddenly sound like my crazy psycho ex drunk texting me on a Saturday night?
8. The why-do-I-keep-randomly-laughing
That moment when he cracks a "punny" joke that you've already heard before but you still do your best impression of a throaty laugh/knee slap.
See also: When you're in a crowded bar with BLARING MUSIC and you seriously cannot hear a word he is saying, but you just nod your head and laugh, silently hoping he didn't ask you a question.
9. Who waits and who texts first afterwards
The million dollar question: Do I swallow my inner pride and text him first, anxiously waiting for him to respond OR do I anxiously wait for him to text me first and slowly die on the inside, losing all existence of my self worth????
10. Analysis paralysis
The debilitating syndrome of over-analyzing how the date went, to the point of losing your mind, personally criticizing everything you said to him and hitting yourself on the forehead about your stupidity