If You Don't Believe You'll Ever Find Love, I Need You To Start Believing Again

If You Don't Believe You'll Ever Find Love, I Need You To Start Believing Again

The real issue is when we believe that we will never find love, and as a result, make it so we don't find love.


We all wanted to be loved, period. A common thought to cross my mind, however, was that I would never find love — or at least have love returned. Some people would tell me that I still have friendship love and familial love, and that should count, but we all know that the unique qualities that accompany romantic love seldom cross over into other relations. The consumption of heart and mind and soul, the ecstasy/intensity, the possibilities, the understanding of that which others don't, the attention devoted to each other unlike that for others, the sense of immense value and importance in each other's eyes, etc. Of course, these qualities are present in friendship in smaller amounts, but the overwhelm of romance that develops into concrete bonds at every level is much, much different. We want relationships that contain those qualities, more or less — we want love.

The issue is when we are staunch believers in the idea that we will never find love, or that love must miraculously fall into our laps. There are lessons to be learned when we enter periods in which we don't find someone and when expectations fall short in our relationships. You will have to face these lessons head on to understand how to move forward in your love life (e.g. issues with confrontation, choosing the wrong people). And history will repeat itself until you understand to take heed of those lessons. None of this means that you will never find love, but rather that it takes time and growth to find the right love for yourself.

The belief that we will never find love, in an of itself, precludes love from entering our lives.

We close ourselves off to opportunities to find love, get stuck in old patterns of pushing people away before they can push you away or pulling them too close, and we don't believe in the love we have even when we do have it right in front of our eyes. This all ties back to the psychological concept called a self-fulfilling prophecy, in which the very act of believing in a prediction about the future actually leads it to occur through changes in our behavior. For example, those who believe they will find love may be more open to new relationships and more hopeful about their outcomes, leading them and their partner to fall in love with each other with more ease.

It's not the belief by itself that holds some mystical power, but rather that our beliefs alter our behavior and the behavior of those around us.

Those who believe that love will enter their lives are less likely to settle for the first person to enter their lives, but rather keep up their standards and look for the right relationship. Those who believe that love will enter their lives are less likely to get caught up in the fantasy of love that cannot be and keep looking for love that can be.

It's impossible to know the future, but if you know your value and worth, it's probable that you will find love at some point. Holding onto that belief is vital. You can't necessarily flip a switch to believe that you will find love, but you can learn to first love yourself by acting in ways you would if you loved yourself (i.e. attitudes follow behavior). You can keep chipping away at the hurtful belief that you won't find love until you believe it — and then you find it.

I used to fall into the camp of those who believed I would never find love, or that I would continue to be in subpar relationships that I didn't deserve. When all the people who didn't treat me well fell away and I let them disappear from my life, as you should if you have a deep love and respect for yourself, that's when I realized what it means to wait for the love that I deserved. It was a long and complicated journey, easier said than done, but you can do the same for yourself.

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

5 Questions To Ask Yourself When You're On The Fence With A Guy

Is he worth it?


Whether you're contemplating if you want to continue your fling with a guy or contemplating breaking up with your boyfriend, there are always questions we're asking ourselves. Ranging from "is this right of me?" to "is this what will make me happy?" But if you are really sitting on the fence and don't know what to do next, check out these five questions you need to ask yourself if you're torn on what to do.

1. Do I want long term or short term?

This is a huge question to ask. If you're looking to settle down for a while, your guy may not want that. And it could always be the other way around as well. Make sure to decipher this with him so you both know what you want and no one gets a broken heart.

2. Can I see myself marrying this person?

I know this is a bold question to ask, especially if you're not dating. But really thinking about if you can see yourself with them for a long time can make it or break it. But say you're dating and you're on the fence of deciding you want to break up with them or not, think about if you can see yourself saying "I do" to them, and if you can't, let him go.

3. Can I see myself living with them/how do they live?

I've seen many people get engaged and move in together and later call it quits due to the way their partner lived. If you've been getting to know your guy for a while now and notices he lives like a pig, you may have to wonder if you'd be cleaning up those messes in the future.

4. How do they make me feel?

This question in a no brainer. If they make you feel bad, why even question continuing into the relationship.

5. Are they worth it?

Is he worth it? I know I have had some experiences when I was on the fence with a couple of guys and I've had to ask myself the same question. And when I'd question if he was worth it or not, my gut feeling always came out right. If you're looking to keep him around, always ask yourself if he's worth it.

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Girls, You NEED To Understand That Fuckboy Texting You ‘wyd’ 24/7 Will Never Give You A 24 Karat Ring

I finally managed to crack the code as to why your casual hookup will never try to make you his wife.

Elle Hong
Elle Hong

There are five unofficial steps of hookup culture: Find a guy. Get to know him a little bit, but not too much (because you have to keep "boundaries," remember?) Make a pact to keep things "casual" and promise to still be "friends" with each other. Then, hookup with him. And keep hooking up with him without any emotional attachment — just over and over again and never expect anything more.

From a birds eye view, hookup culture seems so harmless. I mean, what's more convenient than having a booty call at your doorstep with the swipe of a screen? When you want to hook up, all you have to do is shoot that 2 a.m. "U Up?" text.

Hell, I even wrote a whole article about the perfect FWB situation.

Yet suddenly—here I am, Elle Hong, resident "Uncuffed" writer on Swoon and self proclaimed fuckgirl who glorifies hookup culture above anything else, catching feelings and falling for the wrong guys just like any other girl out in the world.

Consider this blasphemy. Or maybe I'm just dying to make a confession.

A confession that I, too, have experienced the feeling of wondering why I was never enough for the guys I hooked up with. Why they never chose me over the girls they would eventually form serious relationships with and why to them I only was nothing more than a casual hookup.

So, I thought about it. I critically analyzed it. I "Aristotle-d" my way into trying to find an answer behind the impossible question of wondering why I was never considered to be anything more. Over the past few weeks, it essentially became my new research topic and now, I finally managed to crack the code as to why your casual hookup will never try to make you into wifey material. Here's why.

First and foremost: Guys usually (but not always) choose to hookup with girls who they don't see as anything more.

Now, keep in mind I'm not saying that guys will NEVER fall in love with the girls they hookup with because it can happen. It's life. Life is unpredictable. No doubt, people have fallen in love on Tinder and married a random match who just happened to become The One. But we all know what Tinder is really for. Generally speaking, guys will seek random hookups with the types of girls they think are "easy" and if they're desperate enough, it's definitely not going to be someone they view as their future wife.

If he thinks you're cute, you're within 10 miles radius and you can hold a conversation, it doesn't matter what your annual salary is or how many siblings you got—he wants one thing and it's to get you in bed. And until a guys find this girl who captures his heart and inevitably makes him want to settle, he's going to go around hooking up with random girls left and right. So in this case, it's not your fault. You're just with the wrong type of guy who only thinks of you as his sexual conquest.

See also: Guys want to settle with girls that don't go around hooking up with other people.

Ironic as hell because I just talked about why guys would never want to settle, period. But think about it—guys are humans with rational thoughts and animalistic desires. When they find their territory, they mark it. Once he finds a girl who is the one, he never wants to let her go. And he never wants to see that girl be with another guy or god forbid, go around hooking up with other guys. So here's the moral of the story to get my point across: I hate to break it to you, but bragging about how many other guys you're f*cking outside of your current FWB situationship isn't going to help develop the relationship any further.

Finally: A girl's "hoe phase" might seem empowering but for guys they see it as a threat.

Thanks to the wonderful millennial encyclopedia that we call Urban Dictionary, we have a definition behind this certain life style: A phase in life which occurs when a girl goes around social settings exploring herself, committing promiscuous acts and connecting with random people. For girls, it seems pretty damn empowering, doesn't it? For us it's a chance to let loose, to live a lil bit more and to run around as independent women. Nothing wrong with that of course.

But for guys to perceive this type of lifestyle, they see it as a threat which could arise if they form a relationship with you. It's simple logic here. A girl who's in her "hoe phase" is more likely to be unfaithful since they're always out and about with this person and that person. Put it this way: a guy doesn't care if you're a hoe—but he only wants you to be HIS hoe and not everyone else's. So you might think that it's a great way to express yourself and to enjoy your college years, but keep in mind that it could possibly be holding you back from taking the next step with your casual FWB.

Elle Hong
Elle Hong

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