If You Don't Believe You'll Ever Find Love, I Need You To Start Believing Again

If You Don't Believe You'll Ever Find Love, I Need You To Start Believing Again

The real issue is when we believe that we will never find love, and as a result, make it so we don't find love.

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We all wanted to be loved, period. A common thought to cross my mind, however, was that I would never find love — or at least have love returned. Some people would tell me that I still have friendship love and familial love, and that should count, but we all know that the unique qualities that accompany romantic love seldom cross over into other relations. The consumption of heart and mind and soul, the ecstasy/intensity, the possibilities, the understanding of that which others don't, the attention devoted to each other unlike that for others, the sense of immense value and importance in each other's eyes, etc. Of course, these qualities are present in friendship in smaller amounts, but the overwhelm of romance that develops into concrete bonds at every level is much, much different. We want relationships that contain those qualities, more or less — we want love.

The issue is when we are staunch believers in the idea that we will never find love, or that love must miraculously fall into our laps. There are lessons to be learned when we enter periods in which we don't find someone and when expectations fall short in our relationships. You will have to face these lessons head on to understand how to move forward in your love life (e.g. issues with confrontation, choosing the wrong people). And history will repeat itself until you understand to take heed of those lessons. None of this means that you will never find love, but rather that it takes time and growth to find the right love for yourself.

The belief that we will never find love, in an of itself, precludes love from entering our lives.

We close ourselves off to opportunities to find love, get stuck in old patterns of pushing people away before they can push you away or pulling them too close, and we don't believe in the love we have even when we do have it right in front of our eyes. This all ties back to the psychological concept called a self-fulfilling prophecy, in which the very act of believing in a prediction about the future actually leads it to occur through changes in our behavior. For example, those who believe they will find love may be more open to new relationships and more hopeful about their outcomes, leading them and their partner to fall in love with each other with more ease.

It's not the belief by itself that holds some mystical power, but rather that our beliefs alter our behavior and the behavior of those around us.

Those who believe that love will enter their lives are less likely to settle for the first person to enter their lives, but rather keep up their standards and look for the right relationship. Those who believe that love will enter their lives are less likely to get caught up in the fantasy of love that cannot be and keep looking for love that can be.

It's impossible to know the future, but if you know your value and worth, it's probable that you will find love at some point. Holding onto that belief is vital. You can't necessarily flip a switch to believe that you will find love, but you can learn to first love yourself by acting in ways you would if you loved yourself (i.e. attitudes follow behavior). You can keep chipping away at the hurtful belief that you won't find love until you believe it — and then you find it.

I used to fall into the camp of those who believed I would never find love, or that I would continue to be in subpar relationships that I didn't deserve. When all the people who didn't treat me well fell away and I let them disappear from my life, as you should if you have a deep love and respect for yourself, that's when I realized what it means to wait for the love that I deserved. It was a long and complicated journey, easier said than done, but you can do the same for yourself.

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

I Am A Hopeless Romantic Living In A World Where One-Night Stands Are The Norm

It's the little things.

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In today's society, it can certainly start to feel like no one takes love seriously anymore.

Whether it's that one couple who has broken up and gotten back together more times than you can count, the two friends-with-benefits no one can figure out, your local womanizer, or just hookups in general, love and lust are a huge part of specifically college life and culture.

As a hopeless romantic, being part of a generation that "just wants to have fun" can be really frustrating, especially when you just want to find something real. It is so easy for people to put on a fake act just to get what they want and sometimes this can be extremely hard to see through. I'm sure we've all had some kind of incident with someone who played nice but had ulterior motives and the sad truth is that it can be impossible to recognize a person's artificiality.

I am a hopeless romantic.

I have always classified myself as such, and it has remained true. Sure, I can make the most of the freedoms I have as a single college woman, but deep down I just want to find my person.

I've had my fair share of letdowns, and I think we all have, but being a hopeless romantic makes it that much more difficult to get past the "what ifs" and fantasies that come along with starting something with someone new. We may already have our hearts set on a person when they decide they've gotten what they wanted and leave.

For me, I find myself caught up in the little things that someone does. I have always been someone who picks up on small details in situations, and sometimes this works against me.

I pick up on the small facial expressions that he may not even realize he is making; the ones that tell you when their guard has been let down, even just for a split second.

I pick up on the way he sits our two cellphones side by side on the nightstand, taking care to line them up perfectly as if that's just their spot.

I pick up on the short moments of laughter where he actually lets himself laugh and forgets about the act.

I pick up on things, and sometimes I end up hurting because of it.

When it comes down to it, though, I wouldn't change the way that I am. I wouldn't change the fact that I find myself in the search for more in a society that mostly only offers me less.

The trait that tends to hurt me most is also the one that I value most. Even if noticing all the little things is something that contributes to my own heartache, I love those moments. There is something beautiful about those tiny things shared by two people, even if the connection ends there.

Sure, it can be hard. But so can everything.

It's just a matter of finding the beauty.

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Dedicate Your Summer To Bettering Yourself For Yourself, Not Your Ex

Why waste energy on an ex who doesn't care about you anymore?

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I'm single for the summer (yet again, no shock there) but this summer there's something in the air that just feels different. It's the feeling of true acceptance of my single status.

Last summer I was single when I really didn't want to be. My heart with still holding out for a guy who wasn't interested in anything more than my friendship. It took me from late March all the way until Halloween to get over those feelings. However, while working through those tough feelings that summer, I came to enjoy my time on my own and not talking to anyone except my best friends. I didn't have to worry about when I'd get a text back, or if I'd be left on read, or who he'd be out with since I wasn't around. The only thing I needed to worry about was my paychecks and tan lines.

Sometimes after breaking things off with someone who you put so much effort into, whether it was a boyfriend, an almost relationship, or even a friend with benefits, it's easy to want to show off on social media and make them regret ever hurting you or ending things. Why? It's a nice little ego boost, sure, but after those few seconds of glee from the fact that you know they've seen and maybe even liked your picture or your tweet, or saw your story on Snapchat, do you still feel happy? No, you go right back to feeling like crap, whether you want to admit it or not. Stop making yourself all about them when that ship has sailed and start being all about you.

Your ex is off doing their own thing, maybe thinking about you, but obviously not enough to want you back in their life the way you used to be. They are probably out there finding a new person to take your spot because they don't have you at their beck and call anymore. If they're also showing off to show you how much better they are without you or to make you jealous...why are you still following them or still participating in this sick little game for attention? Grow up and block them so you don't have to keep seeing their posts, or be adult enough to stop if you're doing the same as well. If it's only you posting, chances are you just look stupid, so stop before you really embarrass yourself. I was that person, and I know first hand how embarrassed I am for acting the way I did.

Summer is synonymous for doing whatever the hell you want. Wear what you want, say what you want, and be the best version of yourself that only a high dose of Vitamin D can bring out. Your ex is an ex for many reasons. You have to set aside the summer for you and what benefits you only. Don't concern yourself with an ex who doesn't care in the least about you anymore. Coming from someone who posted thirst traps aimed at a specific person along with countless shady AF stories on Snap and Insta in the hopes that this one person and their friends would see it, just stop and save yourself the energy as well as regret.

We're all adults, it's time to stop the petty posts and photos. Post your thirst trap for yourself because you're a sexy queen who doesn't need anyone but herself. Once you start focusing on yourself this summer, instead of your ex, you'll realize just have great it feels to truly be free.

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