I consider myself to be a feminist. I support equality, and I’m a member of the ACLU.

I have always supported the LGBTQ community, and I wear my “SJW” badge with honor. This year, I finally came out to myself and my friends as being bisexual. I’m still coming to terms with it, and I’m comfortable in my own skin, but I’m realizing that I’m also super homophobic.

It all started with a breakup last year. Things weren’t going anywhere long term, so I broke it off. I started to date casually and had a couple different online dating profiles. I decided I had outgrown the mindless swiping on Tinder, so I graduated to actual online dating.

I could filter out my potential matches by looking at their answers to questions such as, “is being gay a sin?” “should gay people have the right to marry?” (Answers required are 1. No. and 2. Yes.) More and more of my friends and colleagues are open about their preferences. My gay friends no longer refer to their husbands/wives as their “partners” like a weird wild west movie. They can wear their rings and not have to worry about reprisal.

Meanwhile, I have realized that when I find myself staring at women on Instagram for a little too long before scrolling past, that it’s because I’m attracted to them.

I used to jokingly say to my friends about Kylie Jenner, “I don’t know if I want HER or TO BE her” while scrolling through her Instagram a little too much for a straight woman. “For Christ’s sake, it’s 2017!

If you’re going to be whatever, just do it!” as the retort I got. It occurred me to me (duh), if I’m questioning my sexuality, shouldn’t I explore it? So that’s what I decided to do. I set my “looking for” preferences online to “everyone who likes bisexual women”. I wasn’t going to exclusively date women, but I wanted to keep my heart open to the idea of it. After all, if it did work out with a man, he’d have to be cool with the idea of his chick liking chicks.

That’s how *Keith* found me.

We shared a lot of common interests and had similar outlooks on careers and what our expectations were for dating casually. Cool! After a couple weeks of seeing each other, I broached the subject.

“What would you think of being serious with someone who is bisexual?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“I think I'm bisexual.”
“Oh, cool. I know I’m bisexual.”

Wait, what?! Why didn’t he mention that to me? Then again, I hadn’t mentioned my desire to explore this to him. It struck me that he so nonchalantly and confidently knew, and didn’t care if I knew or cared. That’s when it hit me again. Why should he have to make a big deal out of it and sit me down to come out to me. It just hadn’t really come up. I went home and checked out his profile. His status was bisexual. This jacked lumberjack dude was gay, well, not gay….he was bisexual.

Keith was suddenly a lot more intriguing to me, but he was also a lot less masculine in my eyes as well. I know that he shouldn’t be. Nothing had changed between us. And as a feminist, I was pissed at myself for putting expectations on him as a man.

“That’s just what I’m physically attracted to” I tried to justify liking him less now to myself. He hadn’t changed physically though. He was still hot as hell, charming, smart, and funny. I continued to see him.

A few weeks later, I still found myself thinking about the encounter. I thought about him being with other men, and it was just a huge turn off to me. Which is homophobic. If I want someone to respect me enough to accept me for who I am and who I am attracted to, then how can I judge someone else for just being themselves.

I broke things off with Keith for a different reason, but I can’t help thinking that his sexuality was a contributing factor- at least in the back of my mind. Would I have looked past the other issues for a little longer if he wasn’t bisexual? I’m still not sure.

My married friend (who is gay) asked me what happened.

“I can’t be serious with him. He’s bi.”
“You’re bi!”

What if we get married and he asks me why dinner isn’t made, and the house is a mess? I’d probably be like, “Fuck you. You get fucked in the ass by another man. When he comes over and gives the order, then I’ll do it”.

My friend and I laughed at that, but we both agreed that’s not only homophobic but super sexist. A man isn’t “less” of a man for liking other men, and I know that; but I’m realizing that I don’t always believe that…. obviously. It turns out, I’m still working on accepting myself. I think once I do that, I can accept and love guys like Keith (Who is a great guy!!!). Until then, I’m acknowledging my homophobia and working to resolve it.

Maybe once I figure it all out, there will be another Keith out there for me.