I’ve kept you some dirty little secret that no one was ever going to know, but over the last year I’ve grown as a person and I’ve realized people need to know about what happened. The more I try and push you away the more power I give you. I cannot and will not let you control my life.
When I came into your life you needed a life boat, desperately clinging onto people who showed you the tiniest bit of hope. I couldn’t be your life boat and I think deep down you knew that. How was I supposed to hold you up when you wouldn’t do the same for me? You’ve had a hard life. Your father left you with a woman who doesn’t love you. She raised you in a house full of hate. You tried to fight your way out of a shitty life you didn’t deserve, but you fled from every real problem you were given. You cannot and will not take your life out on me.
It’s hard to be a ray of sunshine where you are constantly being loomed over by that dark, clammy, cloud. Slowly but surely you sucked the sun out of me. I was in this stagnate state of grey, always wondering what boy I would be dealing with. Was it my uplifting boyfriend or the boy whose sole purpose in this relationship was to paint my walls black?
We had so much in common, a love for music, twizzlers, sunsets and craving to escape this town. Everyone always says the highs are great and the lows, well they’re the lows, yet you’re never expected for this.
You spent an hour trying to destroy me. In the grand scheme things, an hour out of 672,000 is nothing. But once you realize that someone spent a whole 60 minutes just knocking you down every time you climbed back out of the emotional pit they had dug for you, you lose it. How can someone say they love you one day and then the next use everything you’ve ever told them in confidence against you? I let someone tear me down for an hour. I did not fight back. Whenever he took a pause or waited for my answer it was “okay” or "Are you done?". I was not going to fight back. I would not attack someone who was depressed, lashing out of fear, and confusion. I wouldn’t be him. He even admitted that the next morning he was going to beg for my forgiveness and that I dare not give it to him. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew he was being verbally abusive. He typed out every insult, he had every chance to stop what he was doing. Instead he told me
“I can see why you don’t have self-confidence”
“No ones ever going to love you”
“You’re so stupid”
“Are you crying yet?”
I had a decision to make. Do I continue to let this happen or do I stick up for myself and leave. And you know what, I left. I told him to never contact me again, blocked him on everything imaginable, and emotionally ran and hid. I went into work the next day and pretended like nothing happened. Someone later on in the week asked how you were doing and I told them "We don't talk about him anymore". And just like that you were gone from my life.
I have this fear that you have somehow found me. Months after I moved away I would have small panic attacks when I saw a car that remotely looked like yours. You had sucked the “worth” out of me. How could I possibly learn to love myself again after you tore me apart. Guess what? I learned to love myself despite the shit you spewed. You don’t get to win. I pray that someday you find peace, but God forbid you will ever find happiness in me. You won’t get to see me shine. You don’t get to see me reach my goals. You won’t find love through me.
You do not get to tell me what kind of person I am.
I am a wonderful, caring, intelligent human being.
I am not trying to prove you wrong, you are wrong.