My Ex Shamed My Depression, And For That, He Should Be Ashamed Of Himself

My Ex Shamed My Depression, And For That, He Should Be Ashamed Of Himself

Depression happens, and the hurt that I continue to endure throughout my battle with it isn't my fault.

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Trigger warning: self-harm

Having a mental illness is a continual battle against yourself. You have your good days, sure, but you have your bad days, too. You get inside your own head. Your brain says horrible things, tries to coax you into doing things you know you shouldn't do. You're filled to the brim with self-hate, making you feel unlovable. I mean, you can't even love yourself, for crying out loud.

Growing up, we've been given false expectations of relationships. That's nothing new, but the worst part of this is that we're taught that being in love fixes everything. You're magically healed and happy all the time because their love makes everything better. You don't hurt yourself anymore, all of your toxic behaviors vanish, and you love every inch of yourself.

That's bullshit and the fact that I used to believe it hurt me so, so much.

I knew for awhile growing up that something was "off" about me. In high school, I knew that the way I felt wasn't what others would deem as normal. I knew everyone else didn't overextend themselves in a plethora of activities for the sole goal of being too busy to think. After being forced into counseling for anger management issues, a counselor discussed the possibility of being depressed.

When I came to college, I was finally able to get anti-depressants on my own accord. I didn't need to try to convince my family that I needed them. The exhaustion that comes with the trial and error of finding an anti-depressant that works isn't talked about as much as it should be, because it was a real struggle that I had a very hard time enduring. The medication I was on during my early years of college just made everything worse.

I had been in a long-term relationship with a guy since approximately sophomore year of high school. He was a few years older than me, so our relationship became a long-distance one after I went to college. This is hard enough as is, but when I began to have a bad reaction to my medication, the strain in our relationship only grew.

He began to make me feel lesser than himself, whether that was intentional harm on his part or not. When I would be so depressed I couldn't leave my bed, he would shame me for it. He made me feel like being so immobilized by my mental health was something I should just stop doing, and when I couldn't, he'd grow more irritated with me.

When I would self-harm, I would be scolded. Instead of being concerned, I was addressed like his daughter, being told to "not do that again." When I went to the hospital for it, he didn't so much as visit me. Any time I would try to be open with him about my self-harming, it was greeted with anger, like he couldn't believe I would do such a thing. I eventually stopped telling him anything about my cuts or even my mental health in general for fear of feeling worse about myself than I already did.

It wasn't until I told some close friends of his reactions and overall treatment of me being depressed that I learned that this illness didn't make me lesser than anyone else, especially him. I was told that his toxic behavior shouldn't be something I should tolerate.

After breaking up with my ex and changing medications, I now realize that him shaming and scolding me like he was my superior only reflects poorly on himself. It exposes his personal flaws, not mine. Depression happens, and the hurt that I continue to endure throughout my battle with it isn't my fault. I strive to cope and grow every day, and that's something I'm proud of. I don't feel ashamed to talk about my struggles anymore.

Believing that being in my relationship meant I should be happy constantly and not at all depressed caused my heart to endure so much pain. When someone I loved spoke to me like I should be ashamed of myself, I began to think less of myself, more than I already did to begin with.

Not understanding depression is one thing. It's something that's different for each person affected by it, so it's difficult to understand if you aren't someone who is depressed. Shaming someone for their depression or any mental illness, though, isn't okay. It's not understandable, it's not acceptable, and it's not tolerable.



If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

When You Feel Like Nobody Ever Likes You Back

Please don't let it break you.

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It appears that I reached many people when I described how it felt to be single for 18 years (and update: it's almost 20 years now), but perhaps I can reach even more people when I explain the feeling when it seems like nobody *ever* likes you back. It's tough and it sucks. Maybe people feel this way about you. Or maybe you're in the exact same position that I am. Whatever end you're on, I'd imagine that you could relate or understand in some sort of way.

It's always fun to like someone new. We all love to fantasize about this new person, tell our friends (or enjoy the sneaky satisfaction of remaining cryptic about it), give him the Instagram follow (but you can't be the first to like his pictures so you wait to be the 23rd), get his phone number (and try *extra* hard not to text it too often), and gaze at a fresh face in class or at our activities.

We get that rush of happiness when he likes our Instagram pictures or when he answers our texts or when he views our Snapchat story or when he makes any type of effort to speak to us.

It's all fun and games. Until reality creeps in and so do our doubts and realizations that he probably doesn't like us back.

And I understand that feeling. We get left on open or read with no follow-up and freeze in our tracks. We see him flirting with someone else and our stomachs churn. And, worst of all, we find out he is in a relationship with someone else and we can feel our hearts physically sink. We begin doubting and hating ourselves and questioning our own intrinsic worth.

In the prolonged time I've been single, I've felt these feelings over and over and over again. And sometimes people can undermine the pain because it isn't a real break-up from an established boyfriend. But we still feel the breaking of our hearts and like our feelings are valid.

It's safe to say I've had to take many Ls in the relationship department, and I continue to take Ls, so I can (probably) relate to what you're feeling.

I've been explicitly told, "I don't like you back." I've tried to break down the touch barrier, but it would build itself back up stronger than ever. I've felt led on only to discover that the person was seeing someone else all along. Even today as a (nearly) 20-year-old, my doubts set in, my flirting efforts are either too strong or not strong enough, and I receive telltale signs that my fantasies will stay fantasies.

And you probably have been in similar situations or perhaps taken different Ls. And you feel ugly. And you feel unlovable. And it sucks.

But you're not. Please don't let it break you.

If you wouldn't place your self-esteem in the hands of the stranger at the bus stop, you shouldn't place your self-esteem in the hands of any one guy. Both the stranger and your love interest are individuals and don't deserve that kind of power. Some situations are not meant to be and that doesn't make you any less beautiful or amazing of a person. Everybody will only have one truly happy ending regardless of who they are. So muster up the strength to move on, and realize that perhaps the happiest endings require the most loss and heartbreak to get there.

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14 Song Lyrics That Say 'I Miss You' Just As Good As Blink 182

Because sometimes you want to say more than just "I miss you."

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Music can speak incredible volumes that regular words can't reach. I use music all the time to describe how I'm feeling or what I'm going through. I use it most in my relationships, especially with my boyfriend. As a musician, him and I are always finding songs that describe how we feel for each other and the emotions we experience.

Saying "I miss you", sometimes can feel, almost dissipated. But song lyrics can *really* tell someone how much you actually miss them. These are 11 song lyrics that are perfect to tell that special someone you miss them.

1. "Wish You Were Here" by Avril Lavigne

"You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here"

2. "Far Away" by Nickleback

"That I love you I have loved you all along and I miss you
Been far away for far too long"

3. "Hey There, Delilah" by Plain White T's

"Hey there, Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side"





4. "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith

"Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thing"


5. "Home" by Michael Buble or Blake Shelton

"Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just want to go home
Oh I miss you, you know"



6. "Faithfully" by Journey

"Two strangers learn
To fall in love again
I get the joy
Of rediscovering you
Oh girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully"





7. "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now"

8. "Making Memories Of Us" by Keith Urban

"I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss"




9. "I'm Already There" by Lonestar

"Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight"

10. "Talking to the Moon" by Bruno Mars

"At night when the stars
Light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the moon
Tryin' to get to you
In hopes you're on
The other side
Talking to me too"






11. "All I Want" by Kodaline

"All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die as a happy man I'm sure"


12.  "The Few Things" by JP Saxe

"You're one of the few things that I'm sure of
You're one of the few things that I know already
I could build my world of
One of the few things that I'm sure of"


13. "Kiss Me Thru The Phone" by Soulja Boy

"And that's the issue, girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now
So baby kiss me thru the phone (kiss me thru the phone)"


14.  "Falling for You" by The 1975

"I'll take it one day at a time
Soon you will be mine, oh, but I want you now (I want you now)
When the smoke is in your eyes, you look so alive
Do you fancy sitting down with me maybe
'Cause you're all I need"




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