To The Girl Who Thinks Getting A Boyfriend Will Fix Everything, Sorry, It Doesn't Work That Way

To The Girl Who Thinks Getting A Boyfriend Will Fix Everything, Sorry, It Doesn't Work That Way

People say that you can't properly love someone else if you don't love yourself, and no matter how annoying it is to hear, it's true.

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Hey, you.

I want to start off by saying that I may be a hypocrite by writing this, but I don't care. There's that whole saying, "Do as I say, not as I do," right? Let's go with that because I've been in your shoes. I have thought many times that everything wrong in my life like low self-esteem and loneliness would go away if I wasn't single. It doesn't. It really, really doesn't, and maybe by reading this, you will realize that.

So, I'm gonna be as straightforward and honest as I can be based on my experiences.

There's still a chance you won't agree with me. Maybe you will have to do what I did. You may have to date the wrong people before you realize it isn't fixing anything. And let me tell you, it's not fun, but I got through it. So will you.

I always believed that if I fell in love with someone that I would automatically be able to fall in love with myself, no matter how painfully cliche and melodramatic that may sound. I found out this was not true the hard way, by dating someone and quickly realizing that I didn't become an amazingly confident person as a consequence. No matter how annoying it is to hear from your lecturing mother or meddling friend, you can't properly love someone else if you don't know how to love yourself first. This is not me saying that you have to become the epitome of self-confidence. No one that I have ever met is, even if it seems like it at first. I know that I'm not, and I highly doubt that I ever will be. However, this is me saying that you have to stop looking for validation from other people, whether that be from friends, family, or a significant other.

I know you're probably being really harsh on yourself right now.

You probably don't always like what you see in the mirror, maybe you never do, and I am so sorry you feel that way. If I had to guess, I'd say you probably keep repeating things like "I am not good enough" in your head like it's your own personal mantra. Probably because it is. You've made it your motto these days after all. The solution you have thought up is this: I will find someone that will make me feel better. I will find someone that will be my own form of reassurance, of motivation to stop hating myself.

I'm sorry, but it really doesn't work that way.

I know you hate it when you're scrolling through some form of social media and you have to stare at all the pictures of couples holding hands with those cliche Pinterest quotes. I know that there is probably some sort of jealous ache when you double tap on your friend's Instagram picture with their boyfriend.

Being lonely is the worst feeling, but let me tell you something that I know from experience, and I am going to be blunt: Starting a new relationship with someone just for the sake of not being alone anymore will make you feel worse, not better.

At the end of the day, the problem is that these kinds of relationships end. Then, there is a whole new ounce of self-loathing to add to the pot.

There isn't a person on this Earth that will automatically make all of your insecurities, your problems, your negative thoughts and emotions disappear. You have to realize that you're great on your own, not just because someone else tells you so. You are great though, just for the record. You are just as great on your own as you will be alongside another person someday. Just give yourself some time first to find out how fantastic of a person you are.

You need to give yourself more credit. You deserve more than a half-assed relationship. You deserve real love, no matter how cheesy that sounds. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone that you are head over heels for and that is head over heels for you in return. I understand that you're lonely. I understand that you may feel like the odd one out. I understand that it sucks to be the third wheel, but take it from me: a person that has had two best friends be in love with each other for the past two and a half years. It's gonna suck sometimes, but don't date the first guy that comes along.

Give yourself the time you deserve. You have you're whole life ahead of you to date the wrong guys and get your heart broken (I'm sorry if that is pessimistic, but I told you this was gonna be an honest letter). Don't increase your bad luck by pushing yourself. Life goes by fast enough, or so my wise elders have existentially told me.

No, a boyfriend is not what you need right now.

You need a friend. You need to be your own friend. You need to start realizing that you have a lot going on right now and that it is OK, that there are probably thousands, maybe millions of girls just like you feel the same way. I know that I felt like you before, and sometimes I thought that feeling would never go away. But it does. It always does, and before you know it it will happen for you.

The day will come that you look in the mirror and think you are beautiful, and you'll be happy. And that's when it happens. That is the time that someone will come up behind you and say, "Yes, you are."

But you will already know it by then.

Sincerely,

A Friend

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

8 Weird Things That Inevitably Happen After You’ve Been On Dating Apps For More Than, Like, 10 Months

Staring and swiping all day really does something to you.

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The world of Tinder and Bumble is a weird one.

You meet all kinds of people from all walks of life. Yet for some reason, every single person's hobbies consist of hiking and traveling.

From receiving creepy one-liners about cunnilingus to being constantly hounded to drop all your plans to meet a stranger, Tinder is a gold mine for article content.

1. You never actually meet up.

This is almost inevitable. You'll start talking to someone. It will either be great, weird, or most likely mediocre. You guys have some things in common (probably hiking and traveling) and someone is gonna bring up the possibility of meeting.

Usually one party is busy this week and an actual date never gets set. Or sometimes it is but is never fulfilled.

Neither of you are bad people, it just never happens. I'm not quite sure why this is but it's going to happen at least once. Or twice.

2. You hit Snapchat purgatory.

I am a firm believer that Snapchat is where Tinder flames go to die.

Of course, you might head down the avenue of explicit content that I don't need to present to my Facebook family audience, but more often than not you guys hit a dead end. Maybe you'll exchange a couple snaps for a day or two, but then it turns into crickets on both ends. Something about that little ghost does something to people!

Also, can we talk about how guys are always asking for selfies? I get catfishing is a thing, but if I'm spending the day on Tinder I probably haven't showered and I've just finished crying. Not the best foot forward.

3. You meet up once and then nothing ever happens again.

Okay these all sound depressing but it just happens. A date can go well from both sides and still nothing comes to fruition after. You can argue that it didn't go well enough which could be true, but I think part of the ghosting has to do with current dating culture.

Or it's just me. Yeah, it's probably me.

4. You have an arsenal of weird stories.

A pro to all these weird situations is that you now have a bunch of funny yet disturbing stories about creepy men. The perfect icebreakers for dates, new friends, and work events. It was absolutely horrifying in the moment, but boy can you look back and laugh now!

5. You already know them.

It's always so weird when you see someone you know on Tinder. Old classmates, friends, coworkers. What do you even do in that situation?

My rule of thumb is to reserve the super likes for your good friends so you can inevitably tease them later but also for the cute guys you never had the courage to talk to in person when you knew them. Just keep intentions of the super like clear.

6. You see them in class.

This is a weird one. Whether you matched while you had a class with them or they show up in your class a week later, it's still awkward. Maybe you get lucky and it's the push you need, but it can also just be downright uncomfortable. As Tinder goes, it's usually the latter.

7. Your friend has already been on a date with them.

Even more awkward than being forced to see them in class, is knowing your friend has probably already experienced the same thing. Does the rule of dibs apply? Insecurities and awkwardness can easily roll in.

Or you can both bond and laugh over how weird it was. That's better

8. You have the worst date ever.

Hey! At least you've got a new story!

But honestly exercise your best judgment, don't let any weirdos walk over you, and BE SAFE.

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I Asked 11 Independent Young Women All They Accomplished After Leaving A Toxic Relationship

"My grades have gotten better, my mental health has improved overall, and I'm just overall happier with my existence now that I'm in a healthy environment."

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We live in a culture that thinks that after a relationship ends, no matter how toxic and draining that relationship was, we need to be devastated. We clearly never loved the person if we don't experience heartbreak. However, I believe that isn't true. Sure, we are heartbroken by the love that didn't make it, but most of the time, leaving a toxic relationship is our saving grace.

I am so sick of watching strong, wonderful, beautiful young women allow a toxic relationship to hold them down. There is SO much more to life than feeling stuck with a partner that makes you feel like crap. You can truly thrive after leaving this relationship and you can accomplish everything you've always wanted and more.

I decided to highlight the stories of 11 strong young women and all that they've accomplished since ending their relationship. This goes to show that the heartbreak will not be your end — in fact, it will likely be your beginning.

1. Since I left this bad relationship, the self-love and accomplishments just keep growing.

"I stopped being nervous about leaving for school, I didn't worry about him pressuring me to do things I didn't want to, and going to school with that lack of worry allowed me to blossom. I've been on the Dean's list twice (round three coming in a few weeks), joined an organization that allows time to grow into a better leader, I volunteer with kids who need me, work with kids who appreciate me, and have made friends who support me. The positive effects of focusing on me just keep on coming." - Anon, 20

2. My dreams came true.

"After I got dumped by my ex, who was cheating on me with my best friend's roommate, I got accepted to my dream grad program and started a business." - Elizabeth, 22

3. I got myself in shape.

"After dating around in college, one guy hit me. I was so devastated that I allowed someone to do that to me that I decided to hit the gym so that way in case I needed to defend myself I could and I could feel good about my body!" - Sarah, 19

4. Now, I am myself.

"I was able to finally just breathe and be myself. I was always forced to do everything his way and please him so I never considered myself. I grew so much as an individual and became stronger because of it!" - Anon, 19

5. I found my passion.

"I got accepted into my school's honors college and discovered my hidden talent/passion for makeup." - Sara, 21

6. I'm in a healthy environment, and because of that, I am happy.

"I learned what toxic behaviors looked like in even the most subtle ways. I was able to learn what I really believed, which didn't really fit with what he believed, or even what my hometown as a whole believed. I became more empowered, believing in myself more and strengthening my voice and opinions. I was able to learn that I needed to treat myself better and hold others to the standard of treating me better, too. I've become more social since I'm no longer restricted from going out or hanging out with friends. I've grown to love my body more now that what I'm allowed to wear isn't dictated by someone else. My grades have gotten better, my mental health has improved overall, and I'm just overall happier with my existence now that I'm in a healthy environment." - Emily, 21

7. Since leaving my toxic relationship, I have...

"- changed my major

- gave up on pursuing a toxic ex-friendship

- got accepted to intern abroad

- turned 21

- met the one

- discovered my own self-worth" - Maria, 21

8. I'm loving every minute of my life now.

"A two-year relationship just ended a little over two months ago. The first few weeks I was a complete and utter disaster. I didn't really know what to do with myself. Now, I am working on school like I haven't before. I didn't let myself enjoy college in my relationship because he was constantly putting me down for coming to college. I am truly enjoying my college experiences especially academically. I have succeeded in so many things and have joined so many new organizations. I am so busy, but so happy and feel more like myself than I ever was in my relationship. I am not 100% better or healed, but that will take time. I am, however, learning so much about myself and loving every minute." - Caitlin, 20

9. I am now ready for the love I truly deserve.

"I learned so many things and it grew me tremendously as a person—but I think the most important things were that I began to see who truly loved me, I developed a higher sense of self-respect, I no longer had someone sucking the life out of me, I learned how to obtain closure and healing inwardly from myself, and I opened myself up to the possibility of gaining the type of love that I am worthy of." - Anna, 19

10. I'm thriving without them.

"At first I didn't want the communication to stop because the attempt at a relationship ultimately ruined a 5-year-friendship, but eventually I just got used to not having them in my life anymore. My mental health has really improved. That relationship was mentally and emotionally draining and wasn't necessarily productive or empowering. Since then I have really enjoyed not getting caught up in what others think of me and have really enjoyed focusing on myself rather than pleasing someone else. Months after not having any contact, they decided to request to follow me again even though they were the one originally wanting to cut all communication. I accepted it, but I've mentally decided not to reach out or make any communication they attempt to be short. I've realized I don't need them in my life and they didn't want the part of me I was offering months ago, so they don't deserve me now. They can watch me thrive and living my life, but they don't get to be a part of it." - Anon, 18

11. I learned so much from this experience, and for that, I'm thankful.

"I became my own person again, I learned how to be happy on my own, gained friends and confidence, overall, I lost a lot during my toxic 4-year relationship and am so appreciative of how I've matured and developed since then. I'm thankful as to how much I've learned from the experience and who I have become today." - Jennifer, 19

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