I'm A Christian Girl Who Lost Her Virginity In A Frat House With A Lil Dicky Song On Repeat, And No I'm Not Any Less Blessed

I'm A Christian Girl Who Lost Her Virginity In A Frat House With A Lil Dicky Song On Repeat, And No I'm Not Any Less Blessed

If you're not a virgin you are not a paper plate, you are not a used piece of tape and despite what those sorry illustrations exemplify, you are not worthless.

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12-years-old. That's how old I was when I was told that if I were to have sex before marriage that my wedding night wouldn't be special.

I was given sorry illustrations about being "fine China" and that I would be comparable to a paper plate if I had sex before marriage. I was also compared to tape. With each premarital act, I would become a dirty piece of tape with no value—unable to stick or "connect" with the husband God meant for me.

I went through my church's version of "True Love Waits." Yes, I know the intentions were good, but what stuck with me like a very unused piece of tape was that my worth was in my virginity. I still have letters I wrote to my future husband 11 years ago, pledging to save myself for him on our wedding night. I wore a purity ring to signify that promise and it served as a reminder every day that I wouldn't fall into the temptations of premarital sex.

I am now 23 and *surprise*—not a virgin. I lost my virginity in a frat house with a Lil Dicky song on repeat.

I was in and out of consciousness and this guy wasn't taking no for an answer. I was just too drunk to "stop it" like I wanted to. I still feel pretty worthless when I think about that night—and for good reason.

After that happened, despite the fact that it was just an unfortunate situation all around, I felt like I had nothing to give.

I saw myself as a used paper plate and a dirty piece of tape.

I had let down God, myself, my family, my church and my future husband. My wedding night wasn't going to be special anymore because I had nothing to give. So I just thought, what's the point?

Thankfully now, I know that I was completely and utterly wrong. Two years later and I have reestablished my self-worth and don't buy into the lies I was told as a prepubescent teen.

A person's worth is not in their virginity.

Whether you lose your virginity with someone you love, with a one-night stand or are taken advantage of, you still have your entire self to give to your future spouse. Those scare tactics and illustrations do nothing more than misconstrue where a person's purity truly lies.

I am not saying to not teach about waiting until marriage. I believe the Bible and God calling Christians to wait until marriage. I am saying that, as Christians, we should change the way we teach this value.

Yes, by all means, encourage teens and young adults to wait until marriage. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But as Christians, we should also teach that no matter what—you are loved. You are loved whether you sleep with nobody or everyone. You are valuable. You will always be valuable and no one and no experience can take that from you.

As a Christian, you will always be pure, valued and whole so long as God is in your heart.

I agree that God calls Christians to wait, but:

I will never agree that a person's wedding night won't be special if they don't wait.

I will never agree that a person can't fully give themselves to their husband or wife if they've had premarital sex.

I will never agree that a person is comparable to a paper plate or dirty piece of tape (why this is even a popular illustration I don't know).

If you are a Christian and you've lost your virginity you still are worthy. You are still pure. You still have your entire self to give your husband or wife. Your wedding night will be special. You will be able to connect strongly with your spouse no matter who you've slept with. Why? Because Jesus died on the FREAKING CROSS. He died for our sins, and that's not exclusive to premarital sex.

Your value and identity is in Christ—not something as overrated as your virginity.


Writer's Note: For any reader who finds themselves confused, I do realize I was raped but the point of my writing is to have a conversation about how the way I—and many other young women—are raised to believe that once they lose their virginity (from sexual assault or by their own choice) are devalued, which only added to my trauma. I know what rape and sexual assault is, and have even written about it, but I wanted this particular piece to be about my virginity and how the way I was raised impacted the way I felt about myself when I lost it and how I felt about myself being raped and what my mindset was at the time because of what I was taught.

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

11 Thoughts You Have While Losing Your Virginity

Oh my god, it's happening!

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Everyone has an idea of how they want the first time they have sex to be like. And while you might have this idea, and you might be prepared, you definitely aren't prepared for how awkward it can be. (Or for those awkward thoughts that are racing through your mind as it's happening.) So I surveyed former virgins about they were thinking about it when they had sex for the first time.

Here are all the thoughts they had when they lost their virginity:

1. "Is it over yet?"

OK, so this one was me. But it was so BORING. He laid there and didn't do anything, I was on top and I thought it was going to hurt but it didn't... I'll let you guys connect the dots. But anyway, I lied to him said that it hurt and asked if we could stop just so it would be over.

2. "I hope I'm doing OK."

Let's be real here though, this was probably everyone.

3. "This is happening. This is happening."

Probably everyones thoughts right when things start heating up.

4. "Well, this isn't what I expected. It's nothing like the movies."

Losing your virginity is nothing like "Fifty Shades of Grey." It's more like fifty shades of red from, embarrassment and putting in work.

5. "I hope it doesn't hurt—it hurts, when is this going to end."

I would bet that a lot of girls had this thought.

6. "He's not going anywhere."

I got a bunch of these comments.

7. "She's amazing."

Once again I got a bunch of these.

8. "This is happening fast."

It probably did, one minute you're putting on Netflix and the next you're naked...

9. "Do I really want this?"

If this is what you're thinking, just stop... yes even in the middle of it.

10. "I don't want this to end."

#CantRelate

11. "Will I look any different?"

I mean you don't look like your orgasm face, but no you won't look different.

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Contrary To Popular Belief, Friends With Benefits Can Work—But Only If You’re Willing To Take 'Friends' Out Of The Equation

The beauty of being friends with benefits is that if you find someone you trust, you can have that intimacy, without any expectations or jealousy.

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I was involved in a very toxic, controlling and jealousy-fueled relationship a few years back which was why, upon breaking off from it, I swore to myself that I will never ever commit into another relationship until I truly found The One.

After all, I'll be the one to admit—the college dating scene sucks. Every time I convince myself to try going out more and to start dating again, I end up instead going on one god-awful first date after another, relying on friends to set me up with guys, and being stampeded by that anxiety-inducing responsibility of having to text, call and snapchat a boy around the clock just to convince him that I'm into him.

I never actually considered having casual relationships or god forbid—even a friends with benefits situation with any guy I met. Maybe it's just my conservative upbringing in which my parents constantly drilled it into my head that I definitely shouldn't go around messing around with a different guy each week. Or maybe it was my reluctance to give it up to some random guy I just met and consequently come off as “easy."

But then this guy came along. And he completely transformed me, and how I viewed casual relationships.

Let's just call him "John."

But John is someone who I hit it off with from the moment we met and he's probably the only guy I've met who I had a physical attraction to, but not an emotional attraction to.

I have to admit that although he portrays this “bad boy" persona on the exterior, he does truly have a kind soul on the inside which I'm usually able to see right through. But this “bad boy" image is probably why I wouldn't consider dating him in a serious relationship. I mean, because if I brought a guy like him home, my dad would most likely flip shit and my mom would throw a plant at him.

On top of that, our interests and career paths are so different from each other that it's hard to find things to relate to or build mutual respect for each other. He's graduating in a few months, heading off to grad school or perhaps even starting a entry level corporate job, and I don't ever see myself trying to commit to someone like that when I'm still stuck in school with a gazillion responsibilities to keep track of.

But well I'll put it this way—we were extremely attracted to each other, and one thing led to another and we hooked up. And as we sat next to each other talking unanimously for probably an hour after doing the deed, we both decided that we weren't looking for a relationship but that we definitely didn't want this to be some kind of one-night stand.

So we decided to be friends with benefits.

Now, I think the reason why friends with benefits is so looked down upon in our generation is that it defines everything that's wrong with dating culture today. It takes away the conventional method of wooing someone, going on a few dates and then using intimacy as a way to express your love for one another. And also, many people don't like it because it's easy to catch feelings for someone, and that's it's nearly impossible for it to actually work out.

But contrary to popular belief, it actually works.

But here's the catch: friends with benefits is NOT a balancing act of being friends and being sex partners. Rather, you have to be willing to give up one side of the equation in order to successfully obtain the other.

And in the case between me and John, we gave up trying to be “friends" in order to maintain the “benefits" and as a result, it works out perfectly.

The beauty of being "friends with benefits" is that if you find someone you trust, you can have that intimacy, without any expectations or jealousy. And if you stop considering them to be your “friend," then you don't constantly have to think about them or try to make time to see them and you don't even need to freak out if you haven't heard from them for a few days.

But when you do get to see them and get to hang out, it's just this beautiful time you both can savor and really be in the moment without having to express all your emotional thoughts and feelings. Everything is stress-free between me and John, because of the lack of expectation of trying to either make this into an intimate relationship or trying to still be “friends" on top of it.

So here's my main piece of advice to anyone who wants friends with benefits without catching feelings: do not start texting each other all the time or try seeing each other too much. Because if you do, that's when you start catching feelings and try developing something more in the relationship.

If I had the choice, I probably wouldn't have followed John on Instagram (and I encourage you not to), just so I don't ever have to have that thought of whether he was watching my Insta Story or not, or who that girl was in his picture.

My other advice is to take try to take the notion of "friends" out of the equation. As mentioned above, I feel as if most of the time when "friends with benefits" doesn't work out, it's because you both are trying so hard to keep up the "friends" part of it that it begins to blur the lines together, which leads to confusion and heartbreak.

And if you find yourself still wanting to be his "friend" after enjoying the "benefits", I would recommend you to STOP what you're doing and have a conversation with him ASAP.

Be honest, be upfront and don't impose.

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