I Would Have Never Been The Woman You Wanted Me To Be, So I No Longer Want Our Future

I Would Have Never Been The Woman You Wanted Me To Be, So I No Longer Want Our Future

I don't think there will ever be a day where I was willing to sacrifice my independence and freedoms to take care of a man.
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My friends tell me to burn your clothes, to keep your Xbox, and to cut up all of our pictures taken together, but I don't want to do any of those things.

If you had broken my heart a year ago, I would have taken their advice in an instant, but it wasn't a year ago, it was a few months ago. I'd like to say I saw it coming, but in truth I didn't.

I keep replaying the same moment when I was sitting in my desk chair uncontrollably shaking and crying while my roommate asked me if I was okay. I even skipped class that day because I was afraid of collapsing in the street or breaking down in tears while trying to listen to my professor.

My heart was in shambles and I believed you were going to be the person that permanently broke me, but now I know you're not.

I look back at our two years together and I know we couldn't have lasted as a long distance couple because we weren't even making it when we lived in the same state.

Our problems started the first day of our senior year, not even two months after we decided to be in a relationship with each other. You'd come to school telling me how your mother didn't like the way I dressed, how I chose to wear my hair, or how I acted in front of her.

How could she already not like me so much when I had only met her once? We'd been dating less than two months and the odds were already beginning to stack up against me. The closer we became, the worse it got and I know I should have broken up with you that same year, but I didn't because I clung to the hope that this was all a test and it would get better.

It didn't get better and I was regularly reminded that I wasn't good enough for you. It wasn't just your mother's words anymore-- it was coming from your siblings, cousins, and aunts. You'd silently sit back and listen as I was told that I would need to learn how to cook and clean for you because you'd be coming home from a hard days work.

But wouldn't I be too?

I was expected to live and exist for you. On multiple occasions, I cleaned your room, bathroom, did the dishes and made you plates of food, and not once did you object. Never was it taken into consideration how I was raised or taught to do things even though I constantly brought it up to you. Instead, I was always making sure you were okay first, while you would check on me whenever it was convenient.

For a while, my life revolved around you because although I deserved better, there were moments when you would make me feel like I was your number one. Calling me your woman, bringing me roses when you messed up, or saying how much you loved me shouldn't have been good enough reasons to stay because your words never aligned with your actions.

Now I understand the saying "I wasn't in love with you, I was in love with the idea of you."

I never got used to a traditional Hispanic custom for the women in the family to take care of the men. I wasn't born into a world where that made sense and I rebelled against it every time I was told to feed you. I was raised with the idea that women are men's equals and that a relationship was based on teamwork, but that was never going to be the case in our relationship, was it?

The more I resisted to step in line with the women's roles in your family, the more you saw me as a burden. And eventually, you no longer loved me for my strong will.

Eventually, you chose to stop listening to me, and instead resorted to yelling or manhandling me on an occasion or two. The more you were told that I wasn't good or pretty enough the more you began to believe it.

Yet, I couldn't get past the false image of us being happy together in the end. As long as we both refused to wholeheartedly accept who we were and the families we were born into, it could never have worked. I don't think there will ever be a day where I was willing to sacrifice my independence and freedoms to take care of a man.

One day I would like to have children, but I wouldn't want my husband to be one of them.

Past the obvious sexism and occasional racist remarks I endured, our relationship had so many other issues. We would argue about the same things and you nor I could ever get past it. I never understood why you would try to force me into a box when you supposedly loved how I was.

You never understood why it was so hard for me to be like the other women in your family. Then, one day, I had heard enough and told your mother how I really felt about her opinions and that's the day we no longer had a future together. It wasn't a lack of love that split us apart, you just couldn't see the point in trying to make it work anymore.

Everyone tells me it's okay to be angry and they look confused when I tell them I'm not. I don't think I'll ever reach that angry stage because that would require me to hate you, and I don't. It sounds juvenile when I tell people that you hurt my feelings but it's the degree of pain that I feel. Every time I try to describe it, there's not a befitting word. I can only describe how I feel as an image of a whimpering puppy and the sound it makes because that's the saddest sound in the world to me.

I've been told that a person who grieves their first loss takes a long time before they're ready to consider dating again. I guess their right because I can't imagine being with someone else right now, but I'm hopeful for the future. It'll take one step at a time, but eventually, I'll be able to look forward and put you in the past.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

As Much As You May Want To, You'll Never Get Over Your First Love

You never forget your first

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Your first love is just that: the first person you've ever truly loved (besides your family and friends). Maybe you've kissed a few people before, but with this person it's different. They mean something to you that no other person ever has before. Maybe you met this person when you were younger in high school or met them a little later in life as I did at the end of my first year of college. Meeting my first love transformed me, both for the good and the bad, and as much as I may want to, I'll never get over my first love and neither will you.

When we met, we didn't meet in some fantastical way, we met on Tinder right after a surprise breakup of mine. We had instant chemistry, and I didn't get to kiss him for weeks because I ended up getting mono right after the breakup (haha whoops). He was the first person I've ever kissed who I didn't want to stop kissing- ever. Yes, second semester freshman year me was super extra when it came to him, but being with him was so different than anyone else. Things progressed through the summer as we talked every single day, even though we never got to meet up because we were both busy, and at the beginning of my sophomore year, I lost my virginity to him. That was a big step for someone who thought she'd wait until she was married. He made sure I was fine and didn't push me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'll treasure that forever.

He was someone I loved with all of my being, to the point where it was physically hurting me in the end because I knew what I felt wasn't going to ever be reciprocated the way I wanted it to be. That's when I had to end it, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To me, he was a boyfriend, but to him, I was a friend with benefits. I wanted something more and he wanted less, and I didn't want to accept that. I wasn't his first love but he was mine, which he doesn't know and probably never will. I have had moments where I thought I was over him, but then all the emotions flood right back. In hard moments of hurt is when I miss him the most, but also in moments of joy too. If I see a nice car I think of him, or of other little things, like a french bulldog or The Fast and The Furious.

Your first love leaves such a monumental effect on you as a person. They have seen parts of you others have not. You will always remember your firsts more than anything else, which is why your first love never leaves you. As roughly as things ended between he and I, he's always going to have a piece of me that no one else will ever have. The relationship we had wasn't what you'd expect from someone you call your first love, but his mark on me is what helped shape me into who I am today for better or for worse.

Don't let any negativity remain when it comes to your first love (if there is any). Let it go and remember the good. They will be a part of you forever, so you can never truly get over you.

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Why You Keep Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Love You Back In Your 20s

It's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

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Can love truly be both beautiful and heartbreaking?

It's a question I silently asked myself, sitting shotgun in a car next to someone I considered my friend.

A "friend" seemed to be the right label to define our relationship. To him, I was just a friend—who just happened to be a girl, a girl he texts regularly, jokes around, and can grab a drink with. And we loved each other as friends, because we both trusted each other, we had fun together and each had our own independent lives which would connect occasionally in a complete, non-questionable platonic way.

But slowly, for me, he was becoming everything I've ever wanted in a guy, standing right in front of me. But he wasn't mine to have.

And imagine being so close to someone you want except you can't have him because it might just ruin everything you've already shared together. Because what if you scare him away? What if he replies by telling you "No"?

That's the simple nature of falling in love with someone you can't be with.

In our early part of our lives—particularly in our 20s and during our college years, we all experience this type of heartbreak.

To name a few: A high school boyfriend who lives halfway across the country now. The hot guy you sit next to in lecture who already has a girlfriend. The casual hookup who you just can't manage to stop thinking about as you endlessly toss and turn at night. The platonic friend who doesn't quite see you as being something more.

We all at one point in our thoughts have imagined "coupling" or sharing a life with a guy who we can't seem to have for ourselves. We've always dreamt how things could actually work out if you actually shared your feelings with him except the closest we'll ever reach to it is in our dreams, not reality.

And to examine the logic behind why this happens, we have to first admit how we always want what we can't have.

Because it's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

So, it's not really this case of the whole Romeo and Juliet "star-crossed lovers" BS but rather, it's purely a one sided love which can most definitely be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Beautiful because there's always a connection you feel which makes you all warm and bubbly inside but heartbreaking because you know this connection is merely flowing in a one way track.

So then, why do we tend to maintain our connections with these people who hurt us?

One reason is because you're afraid to lose him altogether. Perhaps you think he's going to go on full freak-out mode after you spill the beans to him. My piece of advice in this scenario would be to just suck it up and take the chance. Talk to him about how you feel because honestly, what's there to lose? Unless you're not reciting some sappy, over-the-top love story about how many kids you plan to have with him, you're fine.

But perhaps, the most common reason is because we assume he might eventually fall in love with us, too.

And if this pertains to you, gear up because I can write on for days about why this is a big no-no. Heck, I can probably teach a class or lecture to all of you about my elaborative theory of why you will definitely know whether a boy truly loves you or not. It's plain and simple—if he loves you, he'll make sure you know.

And you can't force someone to fall in love with you. Even if you pay them a million bucks, you can get them to pretend to love you or force them to be with you—but it's never going to be true love. Because true, unrequited love is effortless. It comes naturally. The fiery passion will be shared mutually and you won't ever have to question whether or not you belong with him.

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