Being recently engaged has presented me with several questions I deep down know the answers to, but also know it will be hell trying to get it out without shocked faces and disappointed looks.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT HAVING A WEDDING.
Half the time I can't tell if people want to experience the wedding day or the marriage. Is something wrong with me that after I got engaged I thought more about where we'd be in five years when we'd start having kids, and how freaking awesome it will be to be someone's wife?
I completely skipped the stage of getting excited about planning a wedding. I've just never been that girl. I didn't have a "dream wedding" when I was little, but I did have a dream house. Honestly, I'd rather take the money for my wedding and put it towards a house instead. Screw spending $70,000+ on a wedding. Let's use that as a down payment for a gorgeous house that we can actually enjoy the rest of our lives and not just one day.
"But..but it's a day you'll remember forever!"
I would remember that day just as well if my fiance and I were to go down to the courthouse and get married with a few witnesses that actually care about us.
Recently we went over the people we wanted to invite if we did have this big wedding. Then we went over the people we felt obligated to invite and then the people we didn't want to but had to because of our families.
There are so many times we stopped and looked at one another and said:
"Holy shit, WHY are we doing this? Half these people have never asked a single question about our relationship, and the other half will end up talking shit on us if we get married in a church or not."
When he first proposed, he told me I could have whatever kind of wedding I wanted to. All of the decisions would be up to me (and though he'd like to be included with what I'd pick)—either way, I was in control.
It took a while for me to tell him that I actually didn't care one way or the other either. It all boiled down to us being together that day, showing our love to ONE ANOTHER, and getting to call one another husband and wife. That's really all either one of us actually cares about.
Don't get me wrong, I love saying I'm engaged, but not for the reason I think a lot of other girls like saying they're engaged. I like saying it because I imagine our future after the wedding—not the wedding itself.
"Do you have a date set?"
"Where will it be?"
"How many people will you guys invite?"
"Do you have your colors picked?"
I don't know.
People often give me this crooked smile and judgy look like, "Oh, she's not the least bit excited for this! Maybe she doesn't really love him."
No peeps, it's not that at all. I just don't give two shits about spending money on something I don't care about.
I don't like being the center of attention. It's more of a nightmare than a dream for me. Some people love having all eyes on them for their wedding day, but I'd rather people look elsewhere. I get nervous as all hell and the whole day, I imagine, would be nothing but stress for a person like me.
I have no interest in fake hugging people I didn't want there in the first place.
I understand I don't have to invite anyone I don't want to, but when you have such a huge family, there are some people that you have to invite for the sake of peace. I refuse to put my immediate family in a feud with certain people/relatives just because I don't want them there. Yes yes, it's my day, but it's their life and I prefer to keep the peace for the remaining of it.
If I have to sit through one more ceremony with someone preaching about what love is or isn't, I may just lose my mind. When I hear the priest say how love is never mean, I bite my tongue every time.
Love can be mean, love can be annoying, love can be shitty and hard—but you make it work. I just want realness on my day.
I've probably had five people that know nothing about me, offer to decorate my wedding for me, and that just goes to show how much people really don't know me or care to get to know me.
1. l like doing my own thing
2. I don't feel like having anyone else try to do my own thing for me.
3. Because I promise you could never give me what I want on a wedding day.
Why? Because what I want isn't a wedding, but a celebration of love between the man I love and myself.
No, I'm really not all for having a wedding like other women intend to, but I do intend on loving my future husband, and I sure as hell don't need a wedding to do that.