My Crush Chose 'Her' Over Me And It Still Hurts

My Crush Chose 'Her' Over Me And It Still Hurts

Here's how I coped.
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I think I overshare on here a lot. Both my Twitter account and my account on Odyssey are massive secrets in my school. People know I write but have no idea of where to find that writing. I consider myself to be a sort Taylor Swift or Ed Sheeran — oversharing at times, but ultimately telling my story and the pain of the emotions I have experienced.

I am simply recanting my life and the horrors that have filled it as great songwriters, poets, directors, and playwrights do. There are times when I feel frightened afraid I might get an angry email or worse even blackmail for what I choose to share with the world. Names are never used, and if you think an article is about you then I suppose the shoe fits. Writing has always been a way of coping for me though and situations of pettiness, awkward encounters and heartbreak have been no exception for me.

I document it all so that I can better understand it and get through it.

I was faced with a situation where I and another girl seemed to be fighting for one guy. She had the upper hand I'd say as they had been talking much longer and he had already established feelings for one another and before I knew it he was her's. I would say the whole thing happened quite quickly and in all honestly quite abruptly too. It seemed like it would be a flash in the pan, but the relationship dragged on and on and is still occurring to this day. I was shocked, thinking every day I could hear of some sort of breakup, but that day never really came for some reason.

My main area of pain was the awkwardness when I saw her. I had previously informed her that I liked him and we had gotten close after that. She told me she liked him and pretty much hinted I back off. We continued getting close until she cut the whole thing off. I still had to see the both of them every single day and the awkwardness of that was sometimes a whole lot more than I thought I was physically going to be able to handle.

Classes and interactions that used to be full of joy now became stressed and tense. I went from looking forward to certain times of day and class periods to utterly dreading them. It was a plot twist of dramatic proportions and one that I absolutely hated. I kept telling myself I would graduate soon and all I really had to do was hold on for dear life, brace myself, and really hope that it was over soon.

It was a whole lot more painful than I thought it was going to be.

The few interactions I had with her were painful, forced, and vengeful. Backward jabs were often made in my direction and seeing as she now currently had him and was dating him I saw no reason why she should be working so hard at getting revenge on me. Maybe if I had swiped him out from under her nose which in all honesty, I would have had no idea how to do, maybe then it would be justified for her to act the way she did, but no such thing had ever happened.

She continued to be snarky and he continued to be cold. I used to have an aching feeling in my heart when I realized he would never love me. Someone I knew, found attractive, and legitimately could see myself with was never going to be mine. Ever. This realization was one that was incredibly painful for me.

However, I found my pain kind of shit.

Now, I was enraged at the fact I would have to see the both of them every day and feel the unbelievably heavy awkward tension that both of them created. The pain of looking at him and knowing he couldn't be mine weighed heavy on me, however, the burden of the awkward tension that hung so thickly in the air between us was a lot heavier. I had gone from heartache to hate and inconvenience in a matter of weeks it seemed. Things had taken a most unusual turn.

I thought of him often but more so when my feelings truly were ones of admiration and perhaps even love as opposed to the awkward, tense feelings I stored up for him and his beloved girlfriend later on. Conversing in any way truly felt like pulling teeth. It was weird to think someone I once held such easy conversations with had now become a complete and utter stranger to me, forcing me to bask in the tense awkward manner in which we spoke to one another.

I felt nothing but pain in both situations.

It was worse that she wanted me to know. She would speak to him right in front of me making sure to laugh extra loud and look at me more than him so that I knew the boy that she was conversing with belonged to her, as if he was a sort of currency she could cash in on.

It all hurt like hell and sometimes I wondered if it was ever gonna get any better. Healing processes for things like this are agonizingly slow. At times it feels like such pain will never truly disappear. He felt like the only one for me and seeing him every day made it so much worse. She seemed like the devil to me, an overprotective psycho who had him on a tight leash. I got to a point where I couldn't stand either of them, not just because I couldn't have him but because of all the options he had rolling about, she was the one that he decided to choose.

I still hurt a lot. I pick myself up time and time again so that I can do my very best to heal. Healing is such an easy thing to say you're going to do, but such a difficult thing to actually do. I want to move on, forget them, and to heal.

However, I want to do more than just say that.

I truly do want my words to become actions. I love who I am and it sucks that I haven't found someone perfect for me who will also love who I am. I am me. I hurt sometimes, but I am me and I am so incredibly good enough.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

As Much As You May Want To, You'll Never Get Over Your First Love

You never forget your first

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Your first love is just that: the first person you've ever truly loved (besides your family and friends). Maybe you've kissed a few people before, but with this person it's different. They mean something to you that no other person ever has before. Maybe you met this person when you were younger in high school or met them a little later in life as I did at the end of my first year of college. Meeting my first love transformed me, both for the good and the bad, and as much as I may want to, I'll never get over my first love and neither will you.

When we met, we didn't meet in some fantastical way, we met on Tinder right after a surprise breakup of mine. We had instant chemistry, and I didn't get to kiss him for weeks because I ended up getting mono right after the breakup (haha whoops). He was the first person I've ever kissed who I didn't want to stop kissing- ever. Yes, second semester freshman year me was super extra when it came to him, but being with him was so different than anyone else. Things progressed through the summer as we talked every single day, even though we never got to meet up because we were both busy, and at the beginning of my sophomore year, I lost my virginity to him. That was a big step for someone who thought she'd wait until she was married. He made sure I was fine and didn't push me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'll treasure that forever.

He was someone I loved with all of my being, to the point where it was physically hurting me in the end because I knew what I felt wasn't going to ever be reciprocated the way I wanted it to be. That's when I had to end it, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To me, he was a boyfriend, but to him, I was a friend with benefits. I wanted something more and he wanted less, and I didn't want to accept that. I wasn't his first love but he was mine, which he doesn't know and probably never will. I have had moments where I thought I was over him, but then all the emotions flood right back. In hard moments of hurt is when I miss him the most, but also in moments of joy too. If I see a nice car I think of him, or of other little things, like a french bulldog or The Fast and The Furious.

Your first love leaves such a monumental effect on you as a person. They have seen parts of you others have not. You will always remember your firsts more than anything else, which is why your first love never leaves you. As roughly as things ended between he and I, he's always going to have a piece of me that no one else will ever have. The relationship we had wasn't what you'd expect from someone you call your first love, but his mark on me is what helped shape me into who I am today for better or for worse.

Don't let any negativity remain when it comes to your first love (if there is any). Let it go and remember the good. They will be a part of you forever, so you can never truly get over you.

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Why You Keep Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Love You Back In Your 20s

It's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

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Can love truly be both beautiful and heartbreaking?

It's a question I silently asked myself, sitting shotgun in a car next to someone I considered my friend.

A "friend" seemed to be the right label to define our relationship. To him, I was just a friend—who just happened to be a girl, a girl he texts regularly, jokes around, and can grab a drink with. And we loved each other as friends, because we both trusted each other, we had fun together and each had our own independent lives which would connect occasionally in a complete, non-questionable platonic way.

But slowly, for me, he was becoming everything I've ever wanted in a guy, standing right in front of me. But he wasn't mine to have.

And imagine being so close to someone you want except you can't have him because it might just ruin everything you've already shared together. Because what if you scare him away? What if he replies by telling you "No"?

That's the simple nature of falling in love with someone you can't be with.

In our early part of our lives—particularly in our 20s and during our college years, we all experience this type of heartbreak.

To name a few: A high school boyfriend who lives halfway across the country now. The hot guy you sit next to in lecture who already has a girlfriend. The casual hookup who you just can't manage to stop thinking about as you endlessly toss and turn at night. The platonic friend who doesn't quite see you as being something more.

We all at one point in our thoughts have imagined "coupling" or sharing a life with a guy who we can't seem to have for ourselves. We've always dreamt how things could actually work out if you actually shared your feelings with him except the closest we'll ever reach to it is in our dreams, not reality.

And to examine the logic behind why this happens, we have to first admit how we always want what we can't have.

Because it's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

So, it's not really this case of the whole Romeo and Juliet "star-crossed lovers" BS but rather, it's purely a one sided love which can most definitely be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Beautiful because there's always a connection you feel which makes you all warm and bubbly inside but heartbreaking because you know this connection is merely flowing in a one way track.

So then, why do we tend to maintain our connections with these people who hurt us?

One reason is because you're afraid to lose him altogether. Perhaps you think he's going to go on full freak-out mode after you spill the beans to him. My piece of advice in this scenario would be to just suck it up and take the chance. Talk to him about how you feel because honestly, what's there to lose? Unless you're not reciting some sappy, over-the-top love story about how many kids you plan to have with him, you're fine.

But perhaps, the most common reason is because we assume he might eventually fall in love with us, too.

And if this pertains to you, gear up because I can write on for days about why this is a big no-no. Heck, I can probably teach a class or lecture to all of you about my elaborative theory of why you will definitely know whether a boy truly loves you or not. It's plain and simple—if he loves you, he'll make sure you know.

And you can't force someone to fall in love with you. Even if you pay them a million bucks, you can get them to pretend to love you or force them to be with you—but it's never going to be true love. Because true, unrequited love is effortless. It comes naturally. The fiery passion will be shared mutually and you won't ever have to question whether or not you belong with him.

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