I think I overshare on here a lot. Both my Twitter account and my account on Odyssey are massive secrets in my school. People know I write but have no idea of where to find that writing. I consider myself to be a sort Taylor Swift or Ed Sheeran — oversharing at times, but ultimately telling my story and the pain of the emotions I have experienced.
I am simply recanting my life and the horrors that have filled it as great songwriters, poets, directors, and playwrights do. There are times when I feel frightened afraid I might get an angry email or worse even blackmail for what I choose to share with the world. Names are never used, and if you think an article is about you then I suppose the shoe fits. Writing has always been a way of coping for me though and situations of pettiness, awkward encounters and heartbreak have been no exception for me.
I document it all so that I can better understand it and get through it.
I was faced with a situation where I and another girl seemed to be fighting for one guy. She had the upper hand I'd say as they had been talking much longer and he had already established feelings for one another and before I knew it he was her's. I would say the whole thing happened quite quickly and in all honestly quite abruptly too. It seemed like it would be a flash in the pan, but the relationship dragged on and on and is still occurring to this day. I was shocked, thinking every day I could hear of some sort of breakup, but that day never really came for some reason.
My main area of pain was the awkwardness when I saw her. I had previously informed her that I liked him and we had gotten close after that. She told me she liked him and pretty much hinted I back off. We continued getting close until she cut the whole thing off. I still had to see the both of them every single day and the awkwardness of that was sometimes a whole lot more than I thought I was physically going to be able to handle.
Classes and interactions that used to be full of joy now became stressed and tense. I went from looking forward to certain times of day and class periods to utterly dreading them. It was a plot twist of dramatic proportions and one that I absolutely hated. I kept telling myself I would graduate soon and all I really had to do was hold on for dear life, brace myself, and really hope that it was over soon.
It was a whole lot more painful than I thought it was going to be.
The few interactions I had with her were painful, forced, and vengeful. Backward jabs were often made in my direction and seeing as she now currently had him and was dating him I saw no reason why she should be working so hard at getting revenge on me. Maybe if I had swiped him out from under her nose which in all honesty, I would have had no idea how to do, maybe then it would be justified for her to act the way she did, but no such thing had ever happened.
She continued to be snarky and he continued to be cold. I used to have an aching feeling in my heart when I realized he would never love me. Someone I knew, found attractive, and legitimately could see myself with was never going to be mine. Ever. This realization was one that was incredibly painful for me.
However, I found my pain kind of shit.
Now, I was enraged at the fact I would have to see the both of them every day and feel the unbelievably heavy awkward tension that both of them created. The pain of looking at him and knowing he couldn't be mine weighed heavy on me, however, the burden of the awkward tension that hung so thickly in the air between us was a lot heavier. I had gone from heartache to hate and inconvenience in a matter of weeks it seemed. Things had taken a most unusual turn.
I thought of him often but more so when my feelings truly were ones of admiration and perhaps even love as opposed to the awkward, tense feelings I stored up for him and his beloved girlfriend later on. Conversing in any way truly felt like pulling teeth. It was weird to think someone I once held such easy conversations with had now become a complete and utter stranger to me, forcing me to bask in the tense awkward manner in which we spoke to one another.
I felt nothing but pain in both situations.
It was worse that she wanted me to know. She would speak to him right in front of me making sure to laugh extra loud and look at me more than him so that I knew the boy that she was conversing with belonged to her, as if he was a sort of currency she could cash in on.
It all hurt like hell and sometimes I wondered if it was ever gonna get any better. Healing processes for things like this are agonizingly slow. At times it feels like such pain will never truly disappear. He felt like the only one for me and seeing him every day made it so much worse. She seemed like the devil to me, an overprotective psycho who had him on a tight leash. I got to a point where I couldn't stand either of them, not just because I couldn't have him but because of all the options he had rolling about, she was the one that he decided to choose.
I still hurt a lot. I pick myself up time and time again so that I can do my very best to heal. Healing is such an easy thing to say you're going to do, but such a difficult thing to actually do. I want to move on, forget them, and to heal.
However, I want to do more than just say that.
I truly do want my words to become actions. I love who I am and it sucks that I haven't found someone perfect for me who will also love who I am. I am me. I hurt sometimes, but I am me and I am so incredibly good enough.