When A Relationship Doesn’t Feel Right, Don’t Force Yourself To Make It Right

When A Relationship Doesn’t Feel Right, Don’t Force Yourself To Make It Right

I am 18, edging on 19, and I still haven't had my first relationship yet. Although I am perfectly content with the single life, I understand societal pressures of finding someone.

Linda Sun
Linda Sun
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Lately, I've been really trying to branch out a meet new people. As a disclaimer, I want to say that I am as inexperienced as they come. I have never had my first relationship, boyfriend, or kiss. At this point in time, I don't think I have found anyone that I liked enough to share these first experiences. I have gone on a couple of dates with guys that I potentially thought I could date. However, with each and every one, I realized that I don't like them enough to actually date them. There was pitfalls and cringe-worthy moments to each. And, although they were experiences I would not trade for the world, they definitely aren't ones that I would choose to relive.

I am 18, edging on 19, and I still haven't had my first relationship yet. Although I am perfectly content with the single life, I understand the societal pressures of finding someone. In our society, it seems that being in a relationship is a mark of success. However, this is oftentimes true even for relationships that do not work and are toxic. Having the experience is sometimes more valued that having a good experience.

And, as time passed and more and more of my friends entered relationships, I began to question the amount I should treasure all the first. And, as time passed and more and more of my friends experienced a really crappy first relationship, I began to realize that maybe first times aren't that special. Recently, after going on a date with a guy that is mutual friends with my friend, I definitely began to feel uneasy.

On the date, there seemed to be moments when we clicked and things were going smoothly. Yet, the more the date progressed, he kept going with vague definitions of what he wanted in a relationship, and that ultimately didn't align with mine.

But, I was at a bypass. I felt like society was pressuring me to get a boyfriend, and I felt like I "needed" one. But, this date and this boy didn't seem right. I was trying to hold onto the brief moments when we clicked and tried to stretch it to form a whole relationship. And, for a bit, I really wanted it to stretch no matter how thin the connection became. It just didn't feel right. But, I tried to make right. I wanted so hard to finally get over with my potentially crappy first relationship to mark another spot on my belt.

Nevertheless, after talking more with my friends, they told me to treasure myself. As a result, I realized I REALLY wasn't interested in the boy. I would definitely be settling for less than best. This article is nothing against the boy, but I know when a relationship or a conversation feels right, it just feels right. Period. I know he would have been settling less than best if he were to get into a relationship with me too. There is someone out there that fits him more perfectly. And, that's not me and I'm not for him. Still, that's OK.

I have to tell him that I'm not interested. My firsts are special, and I deserve special experiences. I might have forgotten this briefly. But, it's important to not compromise on your morals. The worst thing you can do is waste time on something that won't bear fruit for you or your fake "boyfriend to be."

Linda Sun
Linda Sun

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

6 Things You Learn Living With Your Boyfriend For The First Time, All Within, Like, 500 Square Feet

Love is patient, love is kind.

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Last summer, my boyfriend and I were at a crossroads in our relationship.

At the time, we had been together for over a year and a half, and I had just made the decision to move seven hours away to Los Angeles to finish school. Realizing we didn't want to spend the next two years apart from each other, we made the huge decision to move in together in the new city.

While living with my partner has had its ups and downs, I've learned a lot about our relationship. Here are six of the biggest lessons I've learned while living with my boyfriend for the first time.

1. There is such a thing as too much time together.

Most of the time we can't get enough of each other, but there are times when we definitely need some alone time. Spending all hours of the day cuddling on the couch can feel super good sometimes, but in order to keep our relationship healthy, we have realized that it is important to have outside interests, hobbies, responsibilities, and friends. This just makes it so much sweeter to come back home to each other at the end of the day.

2. Our relationship won't always be "50-50."

In an ideal world, we would split all of our mutual responsibilities equally. However, the real world is messy, and sometimes one of us needs to pull more weight than the other. When I'm sick, my boyfriend has no problem doing the laundry and dishes and then lavishing me with back rubs in bed. And when he's working long hours or having a hard day, I will do the same for him. In the end, we both care and love for each other equally, and that's all that matters.

3. We have different ideas about cleanliness.

I'll admit, I'm a bit of a neat freak. My boyfriend is by no means a dirty person, but little things like leaving shoes and clothes lying around bother me a little more than they should. Part of living together has been learning to accept one another's natural tendencies, being patient, and compromising. While my boyfriend still has a tendency to leave things scattered about, he has learned to be more conscientious, and I have learned to relax (a little).

4. Having different schedules can be challenging.

While my days tend to begin pretty early in the mornings, my boyfriend works night shifts, so it can be difficult to schedule mutual activities together, particularly SLEEP. However, the longer we've been together, the better we've been able to accept these differences and work around them. I'm okay with the few hours cuddling in bed together each night, especially because I know this is only temporary.

5. Living together is surprisingly easy.

One of the best things I have found from living with my significant other is that it is actually REALLY EASY. Sometimes I'll hear those nightmare stories about couples who move in together, only to find out that their lifestyles aren't compatible at all. I've been really lucky to find someone who lives so harmoniously with me. For the most part, my boyfriend and I work perfectly together, and that's one of the ways I know he's a keeper.

6. Our relationship is only growing stronger.

Honestly, my boyfriend and I might as well be married already, because the more we learn about one another, the closer we become. I love living with my boyfriend, I love being with him, and I have a feeling that we'll be together forever. Cohabitation is a beautiful thing, and it's one of the most important ways to figure out or wants and needs in a relationship. I just feel lucky I've found my number one.

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If He Says 'You Make Me Want To Be A Better Person,' Remember It's NOT A Compliment

No one should be relying on another person to make them better people.

bethkrat
bethkrat
37
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A lot of us have been there; he smiles at you sweetly, gives you a look that could melt your heart, and you let yourself fall into the kindness.

He tells you, "you're such a good person; you make me want to be better."

Your heart is a flutter, you're drowning in the sickly sweetness of what you take as one of the nicest things someone has ever told you. It's so easy to read it as though it's an admirable thing for anyone to say, but the reality is, no one should be held liable for making you want to be a decent human being except yourself.

It's one thing for people to bring out the best in each other.

When you find your happy place in the company of the people you love most in life, that's one of the greatest things in the world. That example of the "bettering" of one another comes organically. But to only find a desire to be kinder, more selfless, more decent because another person is kind, selfless, and decent is putting way too much liability on the other person, and it means not taking responsibility for yourself.

By telling me that I'm the reason he wants to be a better person, he's putting me on a pedestal that I cannot possibly live up to all the time.

He's holding me liable for his desire to stop his negative behaviors rather than it coming from a true desire to be better. If being with me or around me is the only reason he's decided he needs to get his act together and start being a decent human being, I'm here to tell him that he should really reevaluate.

Because what happens when we break up?

What happens if we have a falling out for some reason or another, and I'm not longer in his life to "inspire" him to be better? His desire to be better disappears alongside me, because his desire never really came from his heart anyway. He go back to the same negative behavior that he had in the first place unless he came come to the realization that being a good person has to come from a real desire within.

I don't have the time to pander to people who can't take responsibility for their actions.

It shouldn't have to be my job to show anyone what being a decent human being looks like. His parents should have instilled that in him when they were raising him, and if not that, he should have been able to recognize elsewhere what kindness and decency looked like in other people so that he could emulate it himself. If he's a grown adult who says he didn't recognize what being good meant until he met you, that says more about him than it does about you.

The point of all of this is simple; it is an extremely important life lesson to learn that you are not responsible for anyone's actions and feelings except for your own.

You are not accountable for the decisions someone else makes, and that's the truth. No one is dating someone with the intent on raising him and teaching him how to behave or exist as a functionally member of society, and no one should have to.

I'm not saying it's a red flag to hear it. Often times it is said with good intentions and sometimes it is meant in the organic sort of way I mentioned before. But my advice if you're ever told this; think about it. Consider it a pink flag, one that makes you do some evaluating before you smile bigly and accept the comment as though it is a badge of honor.

Above all, hold people responsible for their own actions and don't let them make you feel responsible instead.

bethkrat
bethkrat

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