When men experience sexual dysfunction, they are taken seriously, prescribed one of the multitudes of FDA-approved drugs and sent on their way with a clear plan to fix their problem. When women experience sexual dysfunction, most commonly in the form of extreme pain, they are often brushed off, told to relax and keep trying. Stemming from conditions like endometriosis, vaginismus, vulvodynia and other sexual pain disorders, many women experience excruciating intercourse and pelvic exams. Some women aren't even able to insert a tampon without pain.
Though the sexual pain in women is rarely discussed, recent studies report that nearly 1 in 10 women find sex painful. Here are some of the experiences of women who have sexual pain have undergone while trying to be treated.
1. Prescribed underage drinking
"She told me to have a glass of wine, get a little drunk and try then. Mind you, I was 19 and in the US where the drinking age is 21… And, of course, I tried it. (It didn't work.)"
– Rebecca, 24
2. Denied her birth control
"I struggled finding a doctor who would prescribe me birth control without a recent pap. I have very painful periods without birth control and I'm not sexually active. They either didn't believe my reasoning for wanting the birth control or didn't care that I truly could not handle a pap. I had to go to four or so doctors."
– Alexandra
3. Diagnosed her with growing pains... at 25
"I'm 25 and for over a decade, I was told by my male doctor that the pain I was feeling in every part of my body was just growing pains and that I was only tired because of my hormones."
– Charmaine, 25
4. Prescribed her sex and a bottle of lube
"Had my first gynecologist appointment at 25 when I became engaged to my husband. After screaming from excruciating pain, my doctor finally told me, 'OK, well come back and see us in a few months once you've been sexually active.' She gave me a bottle of lube and sent me on my way. I had to pull over on the highway driving home because I was crying so hard. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I have yet to find a doctor that will actually listen to me when I tell them penetration is impossible for me."
– Mallorey
5. Told her meeting the right man would cure her
"The first time I addressed vaginismus with a doctor, it was a woman at a Planned Parenthood clinic When I told her penetration was impossible (including using tampons), she told me I was just nervous because I had never had sex and I would 'meet the right man and everything would be fine' before sending me on my way."
– Olivia
6. Said his penis was just too big
"Use lube, use a different kind of lube, you probably have a latex allergy to condoms, try different positions, relax, drink a glass of wine, it's a size issue, his penis must be too big for you, and finally, you're just unlucky."
– Ashley, 31
7. Told her to just relax
"After losing my virginity at 19 and any time after that, it being EXCRUCIATING, I decided there was something wrong. Five different doctors told me that I just need to relax, get a little drunk, use lube, told me I was doing something wrong or that it was simply a side effect of my birth control. Not a single one ever offered to run tests or do any exams."
– Bailey, 25
8. Rolled her eyes at her pain
"I had my first pap at 20 right before my husband and I got married (hello, dad's insurance, lol), about 8 months before my vaginismus and dyspareunia diagnoses. It was a horrible experience. I was in a ton of pain and the nurse actually told me to calm down because 'it's not that bad.' And I'm pretty sure she rolled her eyes at me."
– Victoria, 28
9. Discredited her sexuality and her pain
"She told me there is nothing physically wrong with me and now I know that, I can continue to have sex and use tampons. (Not how this works at all.) She also kept insisting I will find a nice man one day knowing I'm gay and love my girlfriend, which I found very hurtful. Now I have no trust in doctors and I want to sort this alone. First time I spoke up, cried and told her everything, I got shot down completely. Never been so humiliated."
– Ferne, 20
10. Told her (while in a relationship with a woman) that she "didn't have the right tools"
"Every doctor brushed me off, made me feel stupid and embarrassed and numerous times outright told me they didn't believe me which had led to wrong treatment and an extra condition I never had, leaving me in more pain than before. One doctor even had the cheek and said its because I have a girlfriend and can't 'practice with the proper tools' even though I had previously had sex with a guy before my condition worsened, so its nothing to do with that. I have left with a complete distrust of the medical system and doctors have left me with more pain, more conditions and more anxiety about anything to do with my vagina because they continued to do treatment and exams even when I was in agony and humiliated as I was never believed and made to believe it was my fault."
–Harley, 23
11. Tried to convince her she was abused
"I had gone to a gynecologist at 21 for pelvic pain and she continued to ask if I had been abused before, which I never had been. She asked multiple times and after a few more visits, she and her nurse told me repeatedly it was all in my head and I just needed to relax and focus on the love my partner and I had, as if I hadn't been trying to do that the entire time. "
– Haley, 23
12. Traumatized her and then said she didn't know what the problem was
"I was recommended to go to a certain gynecologist because she's apparently amazing. Got there, she asked me what's wrong. I explained my situation, not being able to insert anything anymore without excessive pain. She put me on the bed and did an internal check with her finger, without any lube and basically shoved her finger up there without worrying how much pain I was in. I was squirming and crying on the bed while she continued to push further. Finished the session off by saying 'I don't know what it is, continue seeing your physio."
– Skye, 20
13. Suggested she just "deal with it"
"When I came to the doctor with chronic pain I'd had for over a year, he told me to take some Ibuprofen and realize that Uni is a step up and I should just cheer up and deal with it."
– Lucy, 21
14. Forced a catheter in while she was screaming
"I had to go to the ER because I had a stomach virus and was severely dehydrated and I couldn't give them a urine sample because I didn't have to go. The nurse said we had to use a catheter and I have a very severe case of vaginismus and tried to explain that I was not comfortable with them touching me down there at all. They said if I didn't let them, they couldn't do anything for me. I asked if they could wait and let me drink water so I could go. They said no. The nurse said, 'you better let me do it now because I'm about to get off and the next nurse coming in is a man and I'm sure you don't want him touching you down there' and she tried to put the catheter in while not being careful like I asked her. I was screaming in pain and she eventually gave up, put her hands up in defeat, shook her head and walked out. It was extremely traumatizing for me and I have nightmares about it every now and then."
– Jacie
15. Told her to just have a glass of wine
"When I was 17 I saw a gynecologist. I had to explain to him what vaginismus was and he told me to have a glass of wine before attempting penetration. I was so desperate for results that I drank too much. I threw up and woke up with the worst hangover. One more drink and I could have been hospitalized."
–Maggie, 23
16. Prescribed taking walks with her husband
"I went to my OB/GYN and described to her how sex was painful and nearly impossible. She told me to drink wine and take walks and hold hands with my husband. I felt she was implying I was just frigid. Turns out, I have a condition called vaginismus. It is highly treatable with dilator therapy. I missed out on many years of an otherwise happy marriage because of her lack of knowledge."
– Amanda, 38
17. Suggested cooking oil... As lube
"My first doctor told me to use cooking oil as lube, and when that didn't work she ordered a sonogram. When that came back as normal, she told me her "last ditch effort" was numbing cream. Not once was the term vaginismus brought up, or any kind of treatment that goes along with it."
– Jenn, 27
18. Continued to not believe her pain
"I struggle with chronic pain but doctors don't take it seriously. I've been telling every doctor for a few years but they all give me a blank stare and just say 'OK' like there isn't a problem. It seriously affects my ability to function."
–Corinne, 20
19. Caused her to lose an ovary
"I lost my left ovary because a doctor refused to believe my pain was anything other than IBS."
– Amanda
20. Told her to have sex with her boyfriend and come back
"My first pap attempt was at age 17 due to horrible menstrual cramps. The doctor couldn't do the exam and he suggested that I reschedule and take some Valium beforehand. I did, but he still couldn't do the exam — I told him he was hurting me, but he kept yelling at me 'You need to relax!' The nurse finally stopped him. He asked me if I was a virgin, I told him I was. He asked me why and I told him because I was only 17! His suggestion? To go have sex with my boyfriend and then come back."
– Jen, 28
21. Just suggested using lube (genius!)
"When I was 17 I saw the same gynecologist twice and she repeatedly kept telling me to use lube and everything will be fine. She wouldn't really check to make sure everything was really OK."
– Destinni, 19
22. Laughed her off and said it was all in her head
"When I was 18, I went to the doctor and told her that inserting a tampon felt like I was being stabbed. She laughed me off and told me that I would only 'open up' after having sex for the first time. Then I had sex, and it was so excruciating that he couldn't insert. I told my doctor this, and I cried in the stirrups as she repeatedly tried (and failed) to insert a speculum. She told me I needed to relax, and that it was all in my head."
– Alisha, 31
23. Told her she wasn't attracted enough to her partner
"A male doctor told me that I must not find my boyfriend attractive enough."
– Chloe, 18
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