Yes, Effort Is Attractive, But Being The Only One Giving It Is NOT

Yes, Effort Is Attractive, But Being The Only One Giving It Is NOT

No matter how badly you want it to work out, the other person has to want it as badly, too.

As a twenty-one-year-old female college student, I can say that I have pinned relationship quotes on Pinterest more times than I would like to admit. One of these pins was the quote, “Effort is attractive,” which is something I think we can all agree with. It’s not about getting the “I miss you” text, it’s about getting the “I’m waiting outside your door with tacos” text. Of course, before we stuff our faces with the tacos, we must acknowledge everything that happened before that.

A few weeks ago, I wrote this article about a guy who I got just a little too overly optimistic about. For a long time I hadn’t dated anyone so when I came across him, well, my life just got a little bit more exciting. The reason I was practically seeing stars every time I thought of him was because of something I had done way back in August.

I am a firm believer that writing down my thoughts, dreams, and goals puts me one step closer to manifesting them. Flipping through my journal recently brought me to these two pages I had written in August about exactly what I wanted in a future partner. I literally began each statement with, “I DO want…” and then listed qualities that were very important to me.

Keep in mind that everything I wrote down was so specific, nothing generic about it. This is why when I read over every single statement, I became dumbfounded. HE literally encompassed almost every single sentence that I had written. Was what I really wanted for a long time standing right in front of me?

Somewhere between all of the fun-loving conversations and well-thought-out Snapchats, I let myself believe that it was him.

Like any form of attraction, effort spikes in the beginning stages of dating, and then slowly starts to drop off. In the beginning, the guy knows that he has to impress you so he is going to contact you more in an attempt to win you over.

SEE ALSO: Yes, I'm A College Senior, No, I Haven't Met 'Him' Yet, And That's OK

The problem I have is that I get a bit too stoked about this and try to match my effort with his. In retrospect it sounds logical, but in reality, I have found that it only makes the chase easier for the guy. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be giving any effort at all because you should be, but don’t go overboard.

No matter how convinced you are that the two of you were just meant to be together, remember that he is just a guy - that’s all he is.

That guy you are worried about is only a fleck of dust compared to the amount of your successes that are karats of gold. The best thing you can do if he is not giving any effort is to just let it go. If you texted him and he didn’t respond, let it go. If he wants to make plans with you, he will.

No matter how badly you want it to work out, the other person has to want it as badly, too.

The fact that he hasn’t done anything about it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. YOU are freaking amazing! So what, you got a little too excited, but that shouldn’t matter. If anything, you have learned that you shouldn’t expect much, and you shouldn’t give too much of yourself away so quickly. Let him pry you open like a limited edition Jane Austen novel because YOU are something so rare and so special.

Maybe he wasn’t the one after all, or maybe he will come back in the most unexpected and beautiful way possible, but don’t count on it. Let yourself be upset for a minute (or a few days), but don’t dwell on that feeling or else you might miss out on your real prince charming.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

Subtle Ways You May Be Disrespecting Your Friend's Relationship

If they make your friend happy, you shouldn't be doing these things.


No ones significant other wants to tell them they don't like their friends. And trying to tell anyone not to hang out with the people they're closest too is a disaster waiting to happen.

Some people really just don't like their friend's partner, but others have no idea the damage they may be doing to the relationship. If you are more aware of some things to avoid, hopefully, you, your friend, and their partner can all get along in peace.

1. When you see your friend, make sure to acknowledge their partner.

To be honest, this is a basic courtesy. If you go to say hi to anyone in a group of people, it is polite to greet, or at least acknowledge, everyone there. If you completely ignore that your friend's partner is even there, it will make them feel awkward and neglected. Just say hi.

2. Don't be overly touchy-feely with your friend, especially around their partner.

Obviously, this mostly applies to friends of the opposite sex (for heterosexual couples). Look, there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex but just know your boundaries. You may think your friend's partner is being jealous for no reason, but are you doing anything that might make them uncomfortable?

You don't need to always have your arm around them or be leaned up against them. It is really inappropriate to kiss them on the cheek or give them super long hugs, even if that is something you did before they had a partner, and even if it is completely platonic.

You can still hug and be close to your friend, just be respectful of their boundaries. If you don't give their partner any reason to be jealous then they will have no basis to dislike you.

3. If you invite your friend somewhere, it is polite to also invite their partner.

Even if you assume your friend's partner is going to come, it is nice to make them feel welcomed. And if you don't want their partner to come, make sure they are not together or planning to be together when you invite your friend.

You don't have to always have their partner around, but don't make it a habit of not inviting them. If they don't feel welcomed around their partner's friends, then they probably won't feel as confident in their relationship.

4. Don't ever bring up your friend's past relationships, especially around their partner.

Even if they are on good terms. Even if you are still friends with their ex. Just don't bring them up. No one wants to hear about their partner's past relationships or flings. It is embarrassing and uncomfortable to have to hear about your partner's exes.

5. If you are all out together, don't try to separate your friend from their partner.

There is a good chance that if you are out with your friend and their partner, their partner does not know many people there. If that is the case, don't try to separate your friend from their partner.

There may be an exception if their partner has friends around too, or if they are outgoing and can talk to anybody easily, but otherwise, it is really awkward to be in that situation alone. They are with their partner for a reason, and it is nice to make their partner feel included as well.

Just don't make it a habit to always pull your friend away.

6. Don't put your friend in any awkward or risky situations.

If your friend is a cheater, that is not really any fault of yours. But don't be the friend who is known for putting your partnered friend in risky situations.

There is nothing wrong with going out occasionally with your friends, but it does not need to be a regular occurrence, especially if it makes their partner uncomfortable.

Along the same lines, if you know an ex-partner or fling will be there, you don't need to put your friend in that awkward situation. Just be aware of the situation and how it might make their partner feel.

To wrap up, you don't need to completely change your relationship with your friend just to make their partner happy; just make sure to be polite and respectful of their partner and their relationship.

These are some subtle things you may be doing that are hurting your friend's relationship that you don't even realize have negative consequences. Simply be more aware of some of these situations and how they could potentially make your friend's partner feel. After all, the best relationships are the ones where your partner's friends also become your friends.

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My BF And I Were 'Just Friends' And Now We're Celebrating Our One Year Anniversary

Dating my best friend was the best decision I have ever made.


In August 2017, Brendan and I met. A group of friends invited him and me to go to Wendy's after a meeting for a school club. We talked the whole time — the conversation seemed endless in the best way possible. Later that night, I called him to ask him what water balloons I should buy for a celebration the next day. From that day forward, I cannot remember a day where I have not called him. It started off as nothing more as a platonic relationship from my perspective, but he would advocate otherwise.

Fast-forward to January 2018, Brendan and I started seeing each other outside of school. We would make up excuses and white lies to our friends and parents, saying that we were going to the library to study when really we would just sit in the parking lot and talk for hours until he had to drive me home. He became my best friend. I wanted to tell him everything — good news, bad news, stupid rants, my blonde moments, random and unfiltered thoughts. However, day-in and day-out, I kept denying that it was anything more than a friendship. Again, he would argue otherwise.

On April 27, 2018, I gave in.

We were sitting in his parked Dodge Durango, listening to a pop radio station. I was leaning over the center console to rest my head on his shoulder, and we were waiting for the sun to go down at a park. Abruptly, I looked over at him and ironically asked if he would be my boyfriend. For some reason, we did not tell our family or friends for about a month (sorry, Mum and Dad). I wish I would have realized it sooner, but regardless of timing, dating my best friend was the best decision I have ever made.

Christmas 2018Olivia Zidzik

Since then, our relationship has overcome insane distances.

Being 12 miles away turned into 1,601 miles when he went on a service trip to Boca Chica in the Dominican Republic this past summer. It went back to 12 miles for a little while. However, at the end of the summer, it turned into 413 miles when I moved to the University of Kentucky. In October, we were only a few feet apart as I hid behind his car in his school parking lot to surprise him. After I have returned and left home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break, he decided it was time for him to come to Lexington in March 2019.

All the time spent together and apart brings us to our one year — April 27, 2019.

Hey, Brendan: Although we will be 413 miles apart for it, happy one-year. You have been my rock and my best friend for the past 20-some months, and there are not enough thank you's that I can say to express how thankful I am that God put you in my life. I am so beyond grateful and appreciative for everything you have done and sacrificed for me and for us. I cannot wait to see where our journey will go next, but until then — here's to me and you. I love you. See you very very soon.

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