Yes, Effort Is Attractive, But Being The Only One Giving It Is NOT

Yes, Effort Is Attractive, But Being The Only One Giving It Is NOT

No matter how badly you want it to work out, the other person has to want it as badly, too.

As a twenty-one-year-old female college student, I can say that I have pinned relationship quotes on Pinterest more times than I would like to admit. One of these pins was the quote, “Effort is attractive,” which is something I think we can all agree with. It’s not about getting the “I miss you” text, it’s about getting the “I’m waiting outside your door with tacos” text. Of course, before we stuff our faces with the tacos, we must acknowledge everything that happened before that.

A few weeks ago, I wrote this article about a guy who I got just a little too overly optimistic about. For a long time I hadn’t dated anyone so when I came across him, well, my life just got a little bit more exciting. The reason I was practically seeing stars every time I thought of him was because of something I had done way back in August.

I am a firm believer that writing down my thoughts, dreams, and goals puts me one step closer to manifesting them. Flipping through my journal recently brought me to these two pages I had written in August about exactly what I wanted in a future partner. I literally began each statement with, “I DO want…” and then listed qualities that were very important to me.

Keep in mind that everything I wrote down was so specific, nothing generic about it. This is why when I read over every single statement, I became dumbfounded. HE literally encompassed almost every single sentence that I had written. Was what I really wanted for a long time standing right in front of me?

Somewhere between all of the fun-loving conversations and well-thought-out Snapchats, I let myself believe that it was him.

Like any form of attraction, effort spikes in the beginning stages of dating, and then slowly starts to drop off. In the beginning, the guy knows that he has to impress you so he is going to contact you more in an attempt to win you over.

SEE ALSO: Yes, I'm A College Senior, No, I Haven't Met 'Him' Yet, And That's OK

The problem I have is that I get a bit too stoked about this and try to match my effort with his. In retrospect it sounds logical, but in reality, I have found that it only makes the chase easier for the guy. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be giving any effort at all because you should be, but don’t go overboard.

No matter how convinced you are that the two of you were just meant to be together, remember that he is just a guy - that’s all he is.

That guy you are worried about is only a fleck of dust compared to the amount of your successes that are karats of gold. The best thing you can do if he is not giving any effort is to just let it go. If you texted him and he didn’t respond, let it go. If he wants to make plans with you, he will.

No matter how badly you want it to work out, the other person has to want it as badly, too.

The fact that he hasn’t done anything about it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. YOU are freaking amazing! So what, you got a little too excited, but that shouldn’t matter. If anything, you have learned that you shouldn’t expect much, and you shouldn’t give too much of yourself away so quickly. Let him pry you open like a limited edition Jane Austen novel because YOU are something so rare and so special.

Maybe he wasn’t the one after all, or maybe he will come back in the most unexpected and beautiful way possible, but don’t count on it. Let yourself be upset for a minute (or a few days), but don’t dwell on that feeling or else you might miss out on your real prince charming.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

An Open Letter To The Girl In A Toxic Relationship Who Doesn't See The Signs To Let Go

"it took letting go to realize that I was holding onto nothing" -R.H Sin


Dear you,

I hope you're doing well. I once thought I was too. I once thought that if he would just change, for me, everything would work. However, my sweet girl, you should not have to change people, you should not have to push people to be better, for you. You cannot help anyone, that does not want to help themselves.

In the movies, we learn to love a bad boy that needs changing. However, it isn't always your job to be boys saving grace. However, his shaming and emotional abuse is not just something you should put up with so that you can love him. That is not loving.

Love is not a constant competition of who could belittle the other one first. Love is not asking for a hug and being told no. Love does not make you feel stupid for bringing up things that hurt your feelings.

Love does not grow angry because you talk to your mom about your feelings. Love does not body shame. Love does not constantly change the passcode to their phone.

Love does not laugh when you find out they're unfaithful. Love does not tell you that you are not smart enough to accomplish anything. Love does not force their hand up your thigh when the words "no" slip out of your mouth.

Love is the warmth of a hand on your cheek when you get anxious. Love is getting your backpack out the car for you. Love is turning around when you need them. Love compromises.

Love is encouraging. Love is proud. Love is forgiving. Love sees you for who you are. Love knows you are worthy.

God is your Father and you are His daughter, so do not believe for one second that this abuse is the love you think you deserve.

Love will not always be easy. Love will be challenging and a constant prayer to not anger so quickly.

However, do not mix up challenging with the abuse. If you are losing the good pieces of yourself, then it isn't love. I know that you put a lot of time and effort into this relationship, but it is no good, you are holding on to someone whose heart is not in the right place to love you.

I connected with a poem from R. H. Sin, once I left my toxic relationship which reads, "it took letting go to realize that I was holding onto nothing."

Darling girl, you are so loved by so many people, do not let this relationship hold you back or make you feel less worthy than you are. I have always been the girl with her nose stuck up in the air smelling for smoke, to follow the trail to a burning house to find a boy that needed saving, but it is more than likely a boy that lit the fire in the first place and needs changing.

So, do not be me, be better. Be the girl that lights her own world on fire, for her work, for her family, for God. You are you and you are amazing, so do not fear being without him.

You will feel as if you have come up for air after drowning in an ocean that you had no idea you were swimming in.

The emotional abuse that this boy has put you through and maybe even physical abuse will leave you building walls around your heart. It will make other relationships hard, but you are so so strong.

You will meet someone that makes you so happy and feel so easy to love, you will never understand how you stuck around with the one that hurt you for so long.

You deserve to grow from this, and I promise you will.

Let go.


The girl who learned from a toxic relationship

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Being Far Away From My Boyfriend Actually Strengthened Our Relationship Instead Of Forcing It Apart

While we were apart, we became closer.


Before I really start this article, I just want to say that my relationship isn't truly a long distance relationship. We are both college students at the same university eight months out of the year, but the other four months we live quite a distance apart. Even during those four months, we are only about 150 miles from each other as the bird flies, but really about three hours from each other.

Being in a relationship where I'm not able to see my boyfriend every day or even every week has been a real challenge. But it's been a good challenge. It hasn't been a challenge because I've felt unfaithful or fallen out of love with him in any way. It's challenging because I miss him. We both work jobs and our schedules aren't the same and oftentimes we aren't able to talk to each other unless it's early in the morning or late at night. There are times when all I want to do is talk to him and tell him about how my day went and get a big bear hug from him. Unfortunately, I'm not really able to do this.

I firmly believe that being apart from each other for days, weeks, or even months have brought us closer than we could've ever imagined. We knew that this would be difficult, and we knew that there would be bad days, but we decided to power through it. It has made each time that we are able to see each other so much more special and meaningful.

Seeing each other has become more of spending time with each other than just laying around on the couch playing around on our phones. It's become really getting to know each other better and catching up on all the things we had missed. It's become a time for us to simply be in each other's presence and enjoy being able to talk face to face without a phone in the middle of us. We go on more adventurous dates, we take more pictures, and I think we would both easily say that we fall more and more in love with each other after each opportunity we have to spend time together.

Spending time together is no longer a daily activity, but it has become a right to be earned through hard work and several paychecks as travel can become expensive. We no longer take opportunities to see each other for granted, and it has made us grow closer because we aren't able to spend time together often. We look forward to the days when we won't have to worry about being apart but know that this is only a stepping stone in our relationship.

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