I have a 24-hour rule with myself regarding social media. I first heard this rule in a high school auditorium presentation from a college sports recruiter, who said his players are instructed to give 24 hours of thought before posting about an issue online or speaking about it publicly.
I know a lot of girls who feel the same way in regard to relationships, in that I don't post about you until you post about me. I am not open with others about relationships I may be in because I do not want everyone to see it fall apart if I can have any control over it.
If there is anything you should know about me, it is that I am terrified of looking like a fool. I would genuinely rather give someone a million chances before ending a relationship with them because I do not want my friends to ask me what happened. I don't want my friends to know I am upset over a relationship, because I don't want to hear the negative things I know they are going to say.
I know I am careless with my feelings — I should be more secretive with them. If I enjoy being around someone, I am very vocal about that. If I am angry, you are not going to have to guess why, because I will let you know very quickly.
I very briefly dated a guy with who I did not have a previous connection. I had always dated guys I had been friends with, had a mutual friendship with, or had gone to school with. I was too quick to jump into a relationship with someone new, and I took for granted what I had thought of as awful high school rumors.
It became clear to me there were many relationships in the past I had chosen to steer clear of or remove myself from solely based on things I had heard, and those things may not have even been true. But, in my eyes, if anyone had any reason to say something bad about anyone I was interested in, they probably had a reason to say it.
I wished I had had someone to warn me.
I wished when I mentioned his name to my friends they would've said words like "liar" and "user" in a hushed tone like they had before. Or even texted me hours later to avoid embarrassing me, just to let me know they didn't think I was making the right choice.
I didn't know I was an option. How would I know I was an option when it seemed like a minute didn't go by that I didn't have a notification from him on my phone? How could he have had time for another girl when it seemed like I was the main focus? I still don't know and I'm not sure if I'd like to.
The issue is I am not an option.
I can stand to put up with childish behaviors for a while but I will not be an option. I won't be second to someone who is OK with seeing pictures of me on all of his social media platforms, seeing a girl and being able to participate in such an act against her. I know it is not her fault, but I do know she had a choice.
She chose to be part of something that hurt me. I will not be an option.
I know I am flawed but I also know I would not want another girl to feel how I have felt. I could not look into the eyes of a smiling girl, even if on a screen, and know she is going to be hurt by what I am doing. Maybe if she felt the way I did, she wouldn't have done it. He chose a girl who is willing to hurt and willing to be a creator of trust issues over me.
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