When You Fall For Someone Who Doesn't Love You

When You Fall For Someone Who Doesn't Love You

I realize when that love is not reciprocated, but that does not mean I can stop hoping.
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I think falling for someone who doesn't love you can be qualified as one of the worst things ever. It is an experience I had that I truly wish I wouldn't have to to go through. It is something I don't think I could really wish on my worst enemy as well as something I truly never thought I would know for myself. I had often heard of this pain from friends, but I offered faulty advice on it. As I have written in a previous article, the thing about advice is that anyone can give it, thus often taking the qualification away from it.

I told them that the person they fell for wasn't getting married. There isn't any permanent tie and they should not lose hope, however, this is so much easier said than done when you find yourself in the actual situation. I fell for someone who, realistically, was never meant to be mine. I knew he was bad for me and he even had someone else, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling the way that I did. It was like an infection that was buried deep within me and no amount of vaccination was able to heal it.

I would have periods of time where I was truly convinced that I was over it. In my heart of hearts, I felt like I could move on, but then I would see him or even hear his name, and I fell right back into it. I was in a constant battle with myself and it seemed there would be no true winner in the end.

The feminist that I am was at a complete loss through this entire experience. He was with someone else and me pining after him was pitting women against women which is a gross and tired narrative that I think is constantly being pushed.

Girls are supposed to catfight over the guy they like, losing all dignity in the process. Even though I was aware of the grossness of all of this, my feelings were still there. I couldn't seem to shake them or push them down within myself even though all I really wanted to do was move on and find someone who actually cared for me.

The person seemed nonexistent, though, and truly, in my heart of hearts, I hadn't felt something like what I was experiencing in a long time. I felt like a bit of my self-worth was tied to him, too, just to make the entire event even more unhealthy. My obsession with him as well as my sense of worth that I felt I received when he acknowledged me or spoke with me was chaotic and unhealthy. I knew that the behavior was ludicrous as well, but I continued doing what I was doing because there were moments where I truly felt in my heart it could happen.

We went through a brief stint where we were close and I felt that the dreams I had might actually come to light. It was false hope and I think I was aware of this from the start, but I continued pining because I really didn't know how to do anything else. Someone telling me to simply stop thinking of him was the equivalent of someone to just tell me to stop breathing. I was obsessed and even though loving him in the way I did was wrong and went against everything I had ever stood for, I knew that stopping wasn't an option.

It brought me a lot more pain than it ever did happiness and when I think of him, the only feeling I am struck with is waste. I wasting my time, energy, and emotions in someone who was simply never going to see me as a friend and towards the end, I was less than that. A piece of my heart will always be with him I think. I spent too long of a time pining for him to have him be so easily forgotten. I invested myself to the point where I sometimes wondered if I would ever be able to go back into the calm, sensible person that I once was. I think that sort of love was actually anything but love.

It was a radical, unhealthy obsession that I had convinced myself was affection.

I had never felt this way, but I had friends experience similar things before. I had always seemed to make a sort of mockery of the pain seeing as I had never before weathered such a pain before in my life.

However, this kind of pain is the sort that keeps you up at night. It gives you a sickening feeling when you see them next, the kind that causes a lump in your throat, an unsteady beat of your heart, and a queasy feeling in your stomach. I felt my temperature rise when I saw him and was unable to really give any sort of reason for that other than the fact I was looking at someone who was I pretty sure was aware of my obvious feelings yet had chosen to ignore them in pursuit of someone else.

Such a realization was painful, perhaps the most painful I had ever faced, but I knew that I was going to have to toughen up as I was going to have to see him every day. I avoided conversation and when I did happen to make conversation it was some of the most pathetic, half-hearted, obviously forced attempt at it. Everything in me wished to not see him anymore seeing as that might aid me in moving on from him.

I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want to hurt. Sometimes I'd almost forget. There'd be a long weekend and I'd stay home, write, or go out with my friends. Perhaps I'd play video games with one of my buds and life would almost seem to take a shift. Then, just like that, the weekend would come to a close and I would see him again and be reminded of all the feelings I had worked so hard to run from. It was like a heartbreak you're forced to live over and over and over again. It just never seemed to stop and watching him be with someone else was the hardest thing I've had to do.

It was nothing like the movies. In every film I'd ever seen, girl loves boy and boy doesn't love girl. Boy goes off with someone else and is happy only to fall into the arms of said girl, breaking his other lover's heart and then there is a "happily ever after" ending. I had watching film after film and scene after scene of this. Dramatic moments of cinema where a girl breaks into her crush's wedding and professes her love. Even my favorite song is fifth grade was Speak Now all about a girl who goes to the wedding of her the man she loves only to interrupt it so that she can inform her of the love she has for him. Another favorite was You Belong With Me all about how a man should leave his girlfriend and be with her instead.

None of these songs, movies, or books that I had so faithfully read as a child proved to be even remotely realistic. In reality, they love someone else and you often have to sit on the sidelines and watch as that happens. It's heartbreaking and not even close the dramatic display of romance and that the entertainment industry often paints it to be. Life isn't anything like the movies especially when it comes to love and this realization was one that was super difficult for me to come to.

I wanted it to exactly like the movies.

I wanted a young man to come tapping at my door and have a profession of love. These things exist in works of fiction for a reason though. It is because that is where they belong — because events like that are a rare occurrence in everyday life. Perhaps I'm a romantic and perhaps I'll never stop hoping, but I realize when love is not reciprocated to me and damn does it hurt.

I realize when it is time to move on, but that does not mean it stops me from hoping.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

As Much As You May Want To, You'll Never Get Over Your First Love

You never forget your first

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Your first love is just that: the first person you've ever truly loved (besides your family and friends). Maybe you've kissed a few people before, but with this person it's different. They mean something to you that no other person ever has before. Maybe you met this person when you were younger in high school or met them a little later in life as I did at the end of my first year of college. Meeting my first love transformed me, both for the good and the bad, and as much as I may want to, I'll never get over my first love and neither will you.

When we met, we didn't meet in some fantastical way, we met on Tinder right after a surprise breakup of mine. We had instant chemistry, and I didn't get to kiss him for weeks because I ended up getting mono right after the breakup (haha whoops). He was the first person I've ever kissed who I didn't want to stop kissing- ever. Yes, second semester freshman year me was super extra when it came to him, but being with him was so different than anyone else. Things progressed through the summer as we talked every single day, even though we never got to meet up because we were both busy, and at the beginning of my sophomore year, I lost my virginity to him. That was a big step for someone who thought she'd wait until she was married. He made sure I was fine and didn't push me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'll treasure that forever.

He was someone I loved with all of my being, to the point where it was physically hurting me in the end because I knew what I felt wasn't going to ever be reciprocated the way I wanted it to be. That's when I had to end it, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To me, he was a boyfriend, but to him, I was a friend with benefits. I wanted something more and he wanted less, and I didn't want to accept that. I wasn't his first love but he was mine, which he doesn't know and probably never will. I have had moments where I thought I was over him, but then all the emotions flood right back. In hard moments of hurt is when I miss him the most, but also in moments of joy too. If I see a nice car I think of him, or of other little things, like a french bulldog or The Fast and The Furious.

Your first love leaves such a monumental effect on you as a person. They have seen parts of you others have not. You will always remember your firsts more than anything else, which is why your first love never leaves you. As roughly as things ended between he and I, he's always going to have a piece of me that no one else will ever have. The relationship we had wasn't what you'd expect from someone you call your first love, but his mark on me is what helped shape me into who I am today for better or for worse.

Don't let any negativity remain when it comes to your first love (if there is any). Let it go and remember the good. They will be a part of you forever, so you can never truly get over you.

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Why You Keep Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Love You Back In Your 20s

It's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

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Can love truly be both beautiful and heartbreaking?

It's a question I silently asked myself, sitting shotgun in a car next to someone I considered my friend.

A "friend" seemed to be the right label to define our relationship. To him, I was just a friend—who just happened to be a girl, a girl he texts regularly, jokes around, and can grab a drink with. And we loved each other as friends, because we both trusted each other, we had fun together and each had our own independent lives which would connect occasionally in a complete, non-questionable platonic way.

But slowly, for me, he was becoming everything I've ever wanted in a guy, standing right in front of me. But he wasn't mine to have.

And imagine being so close to someone you want except you can't have him because it might just ruin everything you've already shared together. Because what if you scare him away? What if he replies by telling you "No"?

That's the simple nature of falling in love with someone you can't be with.

In our early part of our lives—particularly in our 20s and during our college years, we all experience this type of heartbreak.

To name a few: A high school boyfriend who lives halfway across the country now. The hot guy you sit next to in lecture who already has a girlfriend. The casual hookup who you just can't manage to stop thinking about as you endlessly toss and turn at night. The platonic friend who doesn't quite see you as being something more.

We all at one point in our thoughts have imagined "coupling" or sharing a life with a guy who we can't seem to have for ourselves. We've always dreamt how things could actually work out if you actually shared your feelings with him except the closest we'll ever reach to it is in our dreams, not reality.

And to examine the logic behind why this happens, we have to first admit how we always want what we can't have.

Because it's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

So, it's not really this case of the whole Romeo and Juliet "star-crossed lovers" BS but rather, it's purely a one sided love which can most definitely be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Beautiful because there's always a connection you feel which makes you all warm and bubbly inside but heartbreaking because you know this connection is merely flowing in a one way track.

So then, why do we tend to maintain our connections with these people who hurt us?

One reason is because you're afraid to lose him altogether. Perhaps you think he's going to go on full freak-out mode after you spill the beans to him. My piece of advice in this scenario would be to just suck it up and take the chance. Talk to him about how you feel because honestly, what's there to lose? Unless you're not reciting some sappy, over-the-top love story about how many kids you plan to have with him, you're fine.

But perhaps, the most common reason is because we assume he might eventually fall in love with us, too.

And if this pertains to you, gear up because I can write on for days about why this is a big no-no. Heck, I can probably teach a class or lecture to all of you about my elaborative theory of why you will definitely know whether a boy truly loves you or not. It's plain and simple—if he loves you, he'll make sure you know.

And you can't force someone to fall in love with you. Even if you pay them a million bucks, you can get them to pretend to love you or force them to be with you—but it's never going to be true love. Because true, unrequited love is effortless. It comes naturally. The fiery passion will be shared mutually and you won't ever have to question whether or not you belong with him.

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