I've never really written to the world about this. I would tell my friends, some teachers knew a bit, but I never mentioned it to the world...
My family was a victim of domestic violence.
It took me very long to write this out; hell, it took me a while to think about all the messed up, twisted things my father did to me and my family without me curling in a ball and crying. All the grabbing, burning, hitting, screaming and verbal abuse consumed me for a very long time, and yet I would go to school every day with a smile on my face as if everything was okay. Now I believe I am at the time in my life where I can write about it and not ache. Whenever I tell people, they look at me like I'm a hurt puppy.
I am stronger now.
My mom is stronger now.
My mom. She is by far the strongest person I have ever known in my entire life. She took years of beating, mind games and heartache for her children. She is now a single mom who raised three children, one who is graduating from high school taking five AP classes, one who is graduating from college with her Bachelor's degree, and another who just got married. All she ever wanted was for us to be successful, and not for any one of us to fall into an abusive relationship as she did.
So I'm careful.
I don't ever want to be in the same position that my mom went through. I'm more hesitant to open up to people. I have become a much more independent person so in the future, I don't have to rely on anyone anymore.
Growing up in a house of fear gave me determination. Seeing my mom work from the ground up, seeing her pray, seeing her not let her past consume her is inspiring. The biggest thanks I can give to her is my success and my happiness. Her knowing that her struggles and her pain did not go to waste. So I work hard every day: I go to school, I go to work, I do my extracurricular activities, I have weekly phone calls with my family, and I keep in constant connection with my therapist to make sure I am at peace of mind in my life. I know I can't do it all, but I strive to achieve greatness.
Growing up in a house where a man was so evil as to lay his hands on another person, any of us, made me realize that this can happen to anyone. I'm picky when it comes to my partners. I don't want to see a single red flag that my mother overlooked when she was my age. He may have that wonderful smile, but on the inside, he makes me feel like complete crap about myself and I will not stand for that. I want a man who will treat me with the respect I deserve and I am finally coming to the truth of what my self-worth is.
I am a passive person and that is because I hate conflict. I feel like if I just step aside, arguments and fights will not escalate but by doing so, I am giving the other person power. I am giving them the okay that they can step over me when they want to and I don't want that.
Negative verbal remarks will not stand with me anymore. Emotional manipulation will not stand with me anymore and above all, physical abuse will definitely not stand with me.
I've gone through a lot, I admit that, and that makes me vulnerable and over-analyze things sometimes when I don't need to but I am not sorry about that.
I am a strong, wonderful, intelligent woman and I will not let a man bring me down. I won't let anyone bring me down.
By growing up in a house with domestic violence, I have learned that even the ones that you claim to love most can still hurt you. The worst part is, they say sorry and you love them so much, you forgive them and then forget about it about until it happens again.
Well, I'm done forgiving and I most definitely will not forget.