I Almost Killed Myself Because A Guy Convinced Me I Was Crazy

I Almost Killed Myself Because A Guy Convinced Me I Was Crazy

I am no longer holding on to what we had, I am holding on to the fact that I could be so blind in love to the point where I thought being right by you was more important than my own life.
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Before I start, I want to say that I am okay and that this is nothing you have to carry or should carry.

I am okay with all that has happened, but what I am not okay with is the fact that I let you have so much power over me that I ended up hating myself. I hated myself so much that I wanted to die. I did not want to be who I was and I did not want to be a problem to you, myself, or anyone else.

For two years I was convinced I was a burden and now that I have a relationship with myself, I get it.

I get that I was right about you. I get that the way you treated me was a reflection of how you actually feel about yourself. You had me convinced that I was “crazy,” but I saw everything you did. I had never felt so lonely beside someone. I had never felt so ignored and unloved by someone before.

I would tell you what I saw you were doing and you had me convinced that I was blind.

That I was wrong for finding out. You had me thinking that I was crazy for knowing all the bad things you have done to me. You had me convinced that my memory was unreliable and that I was insane for believing what I was seeing.

I am no longer holding on to what we had, I am holding on to the fact that I could be so blind in love to the point where I thought being right by you was more important than my own life. I thought many nights that taking my life would end all that you were putting me through.

I do not wish that on anyone.

You knew I was brought into a family of divorce and infidelity, you knew what triggers my anxiety, and you knew what my biggest fears were - you did it all anyway. You used it all against me anyway. You chose to hurt me anyway. You did and are doing all the things you told me not to worry about. I was right, I was so right.

The only thing that made me crazy was not listening to my gut and getting out of there.

You told me once that I was like ordering something online and getting the wrong package. You told me how stupid and pathetic I was. You told me how much of a bitch I was every time I tried sticking up for myself. I somehow convinced myself that I was worthless and helpless because I could never do right by you.

Every time I would cry I would hear things like:

“This again?”

“Really Morgan?”

“You are too sensitive.”

“Seriously?”

The nights I would end up crying, you'd ask me to go home or tell me to stop because you had work the next morning. When we would go out you always made sure to point out something I was doing wrong. You made sure to tell me how “socially anxious” I was being.

You made sure to tell me how “weird’ and “awkward” I made things. Not a day went by that you did not find a reason to yell at me or tell me something about myself that was mean. I was finding myself apologizing for who I was every single day.

But it was not all bad. You were right, we did have some good times. But it is hard to remember anything good when I was drowning in so much self-hate and misery. Two years into therapy and I have finally come to the conclusion that my anxiety was never going to get better or controlled when I was with someone who made me hate myself.

I put myself in a constant state of stress and worry because I always felt like I was in the wrong.

Besides all that you put me through and all that I allowed, I hope that you are good. I do not say any of this to make you hate yourself because like I said, I do not wish that on anyone. I have told myself all the things that you never said to me and I love myself more than I could have imagined.

I am not crazy. I am not pathetic or sad.

Nor will I ever be a “bitch” for standing up for myself. I am not who I was when I was with you and I hope to never be that person again. My love has brought me so much relief in the past few months and I hope that you find love for yourself as well. That is the only reason why you treated me the way you did. You have more hate for yourself than you are aware of and all I want for you is the happiness you could not give me.

And although I am a fan of karma, I hope that you never go through what I went through trying to love you.

Cover Image Credit: Oscar Keys

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

Once You Become My Ex, Please Know I Never Want Another Text From You Again

Block my number. I've already blocked yours.

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Growing up, it was always super important to me to end a relationship on good terms, at least as best as I could. I was friends with pretty much all of my exes, whether we talked frequently or not. It just made things easier in a small town with one high school.

I had it all wrong, though.

The truth is, I don't want to be your friend if we break up. Hell, I don't even want you to text me. There's no reason for it.

Be up in arms all you want at the "pettiness" or "drama" of this if that's what you want to do, I don't really care either way. Each relationship I've experienced in my lifetime has a specific place in my past, but that's exactly where they'll stay: my past. Every ex has their own designated chapter in a closed book.

When you end on terms that are even remotely OK, it's easy to stay checked in into each other's lives, whether that's texting or following them on social media. Something reminds you of them and you both text and reminisce about it, you congratulate them on a Facebook post, you watch their Snapchat and Instagram stories.

I don't care if you think we ended on good terms or not, don't check up on me. Don't tell me you hope I'm doing well. Don't try to contact me at all, frankly.

We're not friends. We were a couple, but now we're not. Any form of a relationship between the two of us ceased to exist the moment we ended our relationship. I'm not in high school anymore, I'm not still in that small town. I don't need to be your friend and keep up appearances to ensure the friend group still feels like nothing's really changed or to make everyone feel comfortable when we're both around.

So who are we kidding? There's just no reason for you to interact with me in any capacity. I don't need to be checked up on. I don't need you to text me for any reason, ever. Trust me, I'm doing just fine.

To all of my exes, you've held a significant place in my life, sure.

But your friendship isn't crucial to my happiness anymore.

I learned how to be just fine without you, so it's time for you to do the same.

I don't need the pleasantries, so just forget them. It's fine and all that maybe they matter to you, but they don't to me. I can promise you that I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to know how you've been, I don't want to know what you've been up to.

I've moved on. I don't need you in my life anymore, and frankly, I don't want you in it. I don't need to be your friend. So don't follow me on Twitter, delete me from your Snapchat, and block my number. I've already blocked yours.

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To My Best Friend Dealing With A Broken Heart, We'll Get Through This Together

I can't actually fill that void.

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To my best friend dealing with a broken heart,

It won't last forever.

Your heart, scratch that—you—will heal. You're already strong, but you'll become tougher. You're already smart, but you'll become wiser. You're already sexy, but you'll become even more irresistible.

And I'll be here the entire time. I can't wait to see who you become.

It won't be easy. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that you'll be smiling and confidently strutting the streets by tomorrow. You have everything you need, but if your heart needs some time, take it. There's no rulebook. Honestly, I don't know how I got out of my rut, but I did and now I'm here. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I cried on end, but my support group–you–helped me through it one day at a time. Don't stress about what other people think—even me, forget my thoughts! Focus on you. What does your body need? What does your soul need?

I'm sorry. I wish I could take away this pain.

There's nothing that can compare to this feeling and I know I can't actually fill that void—no one can, other than you.

You never think it'll happen to you.

You had the future planned out. You shared your deepest darkest secrets. You both shared, I love you's and genuinely meant it. Of course, there were happy times. It was all real. I won't bash your ex unless you need me to (personally, I cringe anytime someone speaks badly of my ex... at the end of the day, I loved that man) but, just know, you did everything you could.

It wasn't meant to be and, one day, you will find your happily ever after. That love will be greater than anything you can ever imagine.

I'm not going to sit here and let you mope. The memories will never fade, but at this moment, forget about the past and the future, only the now. If you are angry, punch a wall, but steer away from feeling regret. Nothing in life is worth regretting over. It is all lessons-learned and adventures to remember later on.

This will pass and you will laugh about it. When I heard that for the first time, I wanted to scream, I could never laugh at the situation, but here I am now. You lost someone and that's never easy, but you've also gained so much experience.

You are gorgeous and breathtaking, you better start believing it because anyone would be so lucky to have you in their life.

Today, you start loving yourself.

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