Before I start, I want to say that I am okay and that this is nothing you have to carry or should carry.
I am okay with all that has happened, but what I am not okay with is the fact that I let you have so much power over me that I ended up hating myself. I hated myself so much that I wanted to die. I did not want to be who I was and I did not want to be a problem to you, myself, or anyone else.
For two years I was convinced I was a burden and now that I have a relationship with myself, I get it.
I get that I was right about you. I get that the way you treated me was a reflection of how you actually feel about yourself. You had me convinced that I was “crazy,” but I saw everything you did. I had never felt so lonely beside someone. I had never felt so ignored and unloved by someone before.
I would tell you what I saw you were doing and you had me convinced that I was blind.
That I was wrong for finding out. You had me thinking that I was crazy for knowing all the bad things you have done to me. You had me convinced that my memory was unreliable and that I was insane for believing what I was seeing.
I am no longer holding on to what we had, I am holding on to the fact that I could be so blind in love to the point where I thought being right by you was more important than my own life. I thought many nights that taking my life would end all that you were putting me through.
I do not wish that on anyone.
You knew I was brought into a family of divorce and infidelity, you knew what triggers my anxiety, and you knew what my biggest fears were - you did it all anyway. You used it all against me anyway. You chose to hurt me anyway. You did and are doing all the things you told me not to worry about. I was right, I was so right.
The only thing that made me crazy was not listening to my gut and getting out of there.
You told me once that I was like ordering something online and getting the wrong package. You told me how stupid and pathetic I was. You told me how much of a bitch I was every time I tried sticking up for myself. I somehow convinced myself that I was worthless and helpless because I could never do right by you.
Every time I would cry I would hear things like:
“You are too sensitive.”
The nights I would end up crying, you'd ask me to go home or tell me to stop because you had work the next morning. When we would go out you always made sure to point out something I was doing wrong. You made sure to tell me how “socially anxious” I was being.
You made sure to tell me how “weird’ and “awkward” I made things. Not a day went by that you did not find a reason to yell at me or tell me something about myself that was mean. I was finding myself apologizing for who I was every single day.
But it was not all bad. You were right, we did have some good times. But it is hard to remember anything good when I was drowning in so much self-hate and misery. Two years into therapy and I have finally come to the conclusion that my anxiety was never going to get better or controlled when I was with someone who made me hate myself.
I put myself in a constant state of stress and worry because I always felt like I was in the wrong.
Besides all that you put me through and all that I allowed, I hope that you are good. I do not say any of this to make you hate yourself because like I said, I do not wish that on anyone. I have told myself all the things that you never said to me and I love myself more than I could have imagined.
I am not crazy. I am not pathetic or sad.
Nor will I ever be a “bitch” for standing up for myself. I am not who I was when I was with you and I hope to never be that person again. My love has brought me so much relief in the past few months and I hope that you find love for yourself as well. That is the only reason why you treated me the way you did. You have more hate for yourself than you are aware of and all I want for you is the happiness you could not give me.
And although I am a fan of karma, I hope that you never go through what I went through trying to love you.