1. The Big Spender:
Whether he thinks he has enough money or not, this guy is buying drinks like a mom buys discounted toilet paper at Target: in bulk and without any hesitation. The only thing greater than the amount of drinks he’s buying is the amount of girls surrounding him, desperately flirting for a free watered-down vodka soda. This guy is harmless, so be nice and don’t take advantage of him….okay maybe take a little advantage of him.
2. The Cocky Jocky:
Everyone knows he’s good at his sport, especially him. Whether it’s football, basketball, or badminton, he expects you to know who he is and his jersey number. His Instagram is pages of him mid shot or running down the field with captions like “Grind, it’s Game Day,” and he walks into the bar like he owns the place. If this guy approaches you, prepare yourself for a double shot of his ego.
3. The Grandpa:
It’s one thing to show up at the bar looking like a freshmen in high school; however, it’s much worse to show up looking like a dad. This guy probably graduated years ago and is trying to relive his glory days. Unfortunately, this guy is also probably a creep and if he’s too old to be downing doubles on dollar night, then he’s too old to be hitting on you. Steer clear girls, he probably has a wife.
4. The Lurker:
This guy approached you awhile ago with some awful line that was more creepy than clever. You kindly declined his offer to buy you a drink, but he clearly didn’t get the memo. Throughout the night this guy is a few people behind you and every now and then slips in a “Hey, what’s your snapchat?” Keep an eye out for this stalker throughout the night and if worse comes to worst, hide in the bathroom.
5. The Shacker Trapper:
He came to the bar for one thing and one thing only…to get laid. If this guy approaches you or buys you a drink, just know that that’s probably your invitation back to his frat. Be careful ladies, he might interpret your polite “Hey” to be a direct translation of “I want to have sex with you.”
6. The Too Friendly Friend:
You love him to death and he’s a good guy, but give him a few too many tequila shots and he’s Hands McGee. The line between friendly and flirting is pretty blurred and you can’t tell if he wants to give you a nice hug or something else. Some say alcohol brings out the truth in people, so don’t be surprised if this friend wants something a little friendlier (if you know what I mean).
7. The Semisonic:
Like the band, they’re known for Closing Time. This guy has been at the bar probably since it’s opened and is always the last one to leave. God only knows how many hours he’s been here and how he’s survived. The lights in the bar have turned on and the music has died down and buddy, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
8. The Stud Bud:
This is our favorite guy. This is the guy with Josh Duhamel’s body and Jason Sudeiki's personality. We love him and so does every other girl at the bar. This guy is like the Tesla of men and every girl wants a ride (pun intended). If you are lucky enough to cross paths with this man, soak it all in because this is as good as it gets. The next best thing would be the Shacker Trapper and believe me nobody wants that.
Drink responsibly and stick together, girls…it’s wild out there.