8 Steps To Finally Get Over Your Ex, Once And For All

8 Steps To Finally Get Over Your Ex, Once And For All

Eight strategies to take the good, leave the bad, and move on as fast as possible.

Caroline
Caroline
2574
views

Breakups can be some of the most gut-wrenchingly painful experiences of our lives. I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy, but unfortunately, they happen to almost all of us at one point or another. I have had one myself, and have helped my friends through theirs, and I have noticed that we have a tendency to employ a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms in this trying time.

Who could blame us?

After all, breakups are often when we are at our most vulnerable. However, we all surely want to get on with our lives as quickly and painlessly as possible, and I have collected some tips on how to do that.

1. Get that person out of your life.

Seriously. Even if it was an amicable breakup, that chapter of your life is closed and grand new ones await. You want to jump in with both feet and all that you are, excited and eager to live right in the moment of whatever God has for you next, without baggage from the past. I certainly felt like a big meanie explaining to my ex that I did not want to talk to or see him anymore, but I never wavered then or since that it was 100% the right thing to do. If your relationship was unhealthy, this will be the best thing you've done for yourself in quite some time.

2. Never badmouth your ex.

Never, never, never. There are two reasons for this. First, if you are constantly spewing vitriol about the negative things they did, it will become ingrained in your mind and make you even more bitter, prolonging your pain. When we remember an event, we actually are not remembering the event but the last time we remembered it, which is why you will distort your memories of your ex and convince yourself and others that your ex was way worse than they were, making it that much harder to forgive, find peace, and move on.

Second, if you insult them too much, you'll look like the bigger idiot for dating them if they were so bad. There is something about them that made you date them. This is not about the kind of person your ex was, but about the kind of person that you are. Note, however, that I am cautioning against gossipping loudly to random people and especially on social media. Figuring out what went wrong by talking to your family and close friends and therapist is not the same thing; neither is explaining your past to future romantic partners.

3. Cut ties on social media.

Going off the last point, if you are truly ready to move on, make it so that you do not have to see that person on social media. This should never be done out of anger or spite or hatred, but out of a desire not to be distracted from the beauty of the next chapter. We use social media when we are in all sorts of moods, and seeing a post from your ex when you are already in a weird or sentimental mood, or upset about something else, even when you are mostly over them, can send you spiraling. I did not unfollow or block my ex right away since obviously I still cared about him and wanted to be sure I wasn't acting in anger, but when the time was right, I did unfollow him and his friends.

4. Explain to your friends that you don't want to hear about your ex.

I was inspired by my friend, who after a breakup, told his friends and family that he did not want to know how his ex was doing or for her to know how he was doing. I adopted that myself and now all my friends are on notice that while I wish my ex all the best in the world, I do not need to know what he's up to and he does not need to know what I'm up to. If there is any juicy gossip about him, please share that with someone else. I did not ask them to unfollow him on social media, but most of them did anyway, so it's mostly a non-issue. Like the previous three points, this goes back to my desire not to be distracted from all the joys of my current adventure in life.

Feel free to be firm in your boundary. Some months after my ex started seeing someone else, one of my friends slipped up and told me about it. I had been seeing someone myself so at first, I didn't care, but I started to feel weird that my wishes hadn't been respected. After taking some time that evening to pray about my boundary, I knew I needed to talk to my friend and reiterate seriously that it's important for me not to be distracted from my present by my past, and it is even more important to me that I retain my privacy from him. She was completely understanding and apologetic and other than that, all my friends have been amazing and respectful and helpful in this area.

5. Set some goals and go after them. 

Sometimes, especially in unhealthy relationships, we can lose sight of who we are and allow ourselves to become eclipsed by that relationship. It is natural for our lives to become entwined with those of our romantic partners, especially when relationships span months or even years, but when the break comes, it is so worthwhile to spend some time thinking about what you love doing and what your goals are in life. I dated someone with a very big personality, and I was subsumed by that more than I realized until it suddenly wasn't there. At that point, I made a list of goals I wish to achieve before my next relationship and a series of life goals, long-term goals, goals for the year, goals for the summer, monthly goals, and then I would decide which monthly goal I was going to chip away at every day. Each smaller set fed into the next larger set, and working on myself and my life in this way did more than I could explain in an entire book toward helping me recover my sense of self and purpose. I obviously did this for many more reasons besides just getting over a relationship, yet I didn't expect it to help so much.

6. Debrief from the relationship. 

This can be with your therapist, mom, best friend, sister, pet, or journal. For me, I talked about it with all of those people, but my most profound insights came when I was alone with a pen and journal and asking myself why. Why did I do that? Why did I feel that way? Why did I vaguely dislike that? Those were the times when I learned the most about what I need to do differently next time and the ways in which my next (hopefully final) boyfriend needs to differ from his predecessor.

It definitely is important to learn what you did wrong, but in general, your ex is not going to be the best source of information on this topic. Do not internalize mean things they say to you. Remember that they are hurting and deserve compassion, but that does not mean you need to pay the slightest attention to attacks on you when they lash out in their hurt. Often, exes sound very logical and calm when they tell you why you're a horrible person, but absolute language like "You always" or dismissals of your entire personality, character, and existence are clues that they are speaking from emotion. Do not give space to this sort of toxic behavior, and be sure you do not tear them down in that way either. Friends, parents, and therapists are much better sources of ideas for personal growth.

7. Feel free to redefine yourself.

We all have ideas about who we are and how we should act and what we will and won't say, but not all of them come from healthy places. Shake it up! Give yourself the freedom to respond to people and circumstances in ways that are fun and natural for you. Breakups, like all tough seasons, can and do change our personalities, and that can be a very good thing. Even if you weren't acting any sort of way because of your relationship, this is a time of transition and therefore as good a time as any to let these changes roll. My newfound confidence turned me into a much more extroverted and less sensitive person, and now I have more fun in social situations than I ever did before. One of my best friends, following her breakup last year, got a lot more silly and goofy, and I live for it. On the other hand, another friend had always felt she had to be a social butterfly, but while processing her breakup she did become more reserved, and that was so good for her because that is who she is.

8. Reclaim smells, sights, songs, and places you associated with your relationship.

Associate them with new things. Take a trip, and listen to you and your ex's song somewhere new, so you can associate it with your trip. If there's a book you both liked, explore somewhere new and read it there. If there's a place you two used to always go, go there with a new friend. Of course, if you're like me, you may prefer not to do that with everything you associated with your ex, but it can be incredibly cathartic if something particularly pains you. Throw out the bad, but hold onto the good.


Author's note: The truth is that though these suggestions can help speed your process, they can't break your bad habits, they can't teach you to trust again, they can't erase your pain, they can't guarantee you bliss in your next relationship. If you feel ugly, they won't make you feel beautiful. Only Jesus can do that. Only He can make you complete and heal your pain and give you true radiance and confidence. Since our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9) even healing can become an idol. It is so important to keep Jesus on the throne of your life as you seek personal growth and confidence, and if you do that, the rest will follow!

Caroline
Caroline

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

To My Best Friend Dealing With A Broken Heart, We'll Get Through This Together

I can't actually fill that void.

772
views

To my best friend dealing with a broken heart,

It won't last forever.

Your heart, scratch that—you—will heal. You're already strong, but you'll become tougher. You're already smart, but you'll become wiser. You're already sexy, but you'll become even more irresistible.

And I'll be here the entire time. I can't wait to see who you become.

It won't be easy. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that you'll be smiling and confidently strutting the streets by tomorrow. You have everything you need, but if your heart needs some time, take it. There's no rulebook. Honestly, I don't know how I got out of my rut, but I did and now I'm here. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I cried on end, but my support group–you–helped me through it one day at a time. Don't stress about what other people think—even me, forget my thoughts! Focus on you. What does your body need? What does your soul need?

I'm sorry. I wish I could take away this pain.

There's nothing that can compare to this feeling and I know I can't actually fill that void—no one can, other than you.

You never think it'll happen to you.

You had the future planned out. You shared your deepest darkest secrets. You both shared, I love you's and genuinely meant it. Of course, there were happy times. It was all real. I won't bash your ex unless you need me to (personally, I cringe anytime someone speaks badly of my ex... at the end of the day, I loved that man) but, just know, you did everything you could.

It wasn't meant to be and, one day, you will find your happily ever after. That love will be greater than anything you can ever imagine.

I'm not going to sit here and let you mope. The memories will never fade, but at this moment, forget about the past and the future, only the now. If you are angry, punch a wall, but steer away from feeling regret. Nothing in life is worth regretting over. It is all lessons-learned and adventures to remember later on.

This will pass and you will laugh about it. When I heard that for the first time, I wanted to scream, I could never laugh at the situation, but here I am now. You lost someone and that's never easy, but you've also gained so much experience.

You are gorgeous and breathtaking, you better start believing it because anyone would be so lucky to have you in their life.

Today, you start loving yourself.

OMG, check these out

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

I Chose My College Because Of My Then-Boyfriend—We Broke Up, And Somehow I Have No Regrets

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

1214
views

When you graduate high school while in a relationship, things can get a little tricky. If you're not from a college town or if you don't plan on attending the one near you, you're faced with some pretty big questions.

Is the relationship worth it? Can we do the whole "long distance" thing? How will it work?

Three years ago, I faced these questions with some uncertainty. My plan had always been to go out-of-state for college, to attend the big university of my dreams. I had applied there, and I even got accepted to enroll. It was a pretty big deal to me to achieve even a fraction of what I had dreamed of for so many years.

However, I had a boyfriend. It was a pretty serious one, since we'd been together for a couple years before I graduated high school. He was older, already in college. He came home pretty often since the college he attended wasn't horribly far from our hometown and we made it work.

When I got accepted to that far away college, things got uncomfortable. It was pretty obvious that he didn't want me to go there and wasn't a big fan of the thought of being a long distance couple. So, I compromised. I chose to apply to a college just under an hour away from our hometown, similar to what he did, so that we could continue to date. We were serious about each other, so I figured it was a sacrifice I could make for the long run. I wanted to make him happier by staying close by.

That didn't really work, though. Our personalities were painfully different, but this was only really highlighted in a negative way when I moved away. I was outgoing, involved, and loved to make friends. He was pretty much the opposite, and being older than me, he wasn't very interested in doing the things I wanted to do. He would come up to visit, but never wanted to interact with any of my friends or really do anything exciting at all besides sit in my dorm.

For the first two or so years that I was in college, we fought constantly. I didn't come home enough, I was too busy, and I was friends with people he wasn't fond of. I had a job, I was in a sorority, and I was involved in several other clubs, so my time was spread pretty thin. On the weekends, I would go out to parties totally sober for my friends but I'd get yelled at for being there at all. All of my actions were policed as if he was a father instead of a boyfriend. I was miserable.

I was afraid to talk about it publicly, but my friends knew how miserable I was and that the love had been gone for a long time. I was stuck at this university that I didn't really care about, that was too close to home for me to really feel like I had even left the nest at all.

After nearly two years of misery, I finally left that relationship. It pissed a lot of people off, especially the people back home who were friends with both of us. But they didn't know everything, just one side. That's OK, though. I really didn't care, because I was finally taking my life back.

I may have chosen to attend my university because it was closer to a boyfriend back home, but I love it even more now than when I started. I was able to become involved in campus activities and organizations without feeling guilty anymore. I was able to hang out with friends without being yelled at and tracked like a dog. I was able to enter a new relationship that was healthy, loving, and bettered my mental well-being instead of hurting it.

I've been able to fall in love with my campus all over again. It may be close to home and people I don't really care about anymore, but if I had gone out-of-state or anywhere else, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be in my sorority, or in my current relationship. I wouldn't be the best version of myself that I've seen to date. I wouldn't be this strong woman who finally learned her worth.

I used to regret my decision to attend the college that I do, but I don't anymore. It's my home, and no one can take that away from me. Thanks to my university, I've been given opportunities to grow as a leader, as a student, and as a person. I'm not the person I was in high school three years ago, that's for damn sure, and I couldn't be happier about that.

I don't necessarily think everything happens for a reason, but I do think that choosing the college that I did was a pivotal moment in my life. My high school relationship might not have worked out, and sure, college was a factor, but I'm glad that it didn't. My life is mine now, and so is my college experience.

OMG, check these out

Facebook Comments