I’m way past the point where I should still be upset that I lost you, because it’s been almost as long as all the theorists say I should take to grieve-half the time we were together, or one month for every month we were together.
But, as the title may suggest, I’m still not through being upset.
No, not because we’re not in a relationship, because I can agree with the reasons you gave for not being in a romantic relationship with me, but because I lost someone who I could depend on for basically anything.I lost my best friend.
You were my friend and confidante for over four months, with nearly four of those months spent in a relationship, and given that we ended on such a bad note, I’m still devastated when I think about it. Unfortunately for me, that’s all too often. I know my friends and family say to try and be happy, and to think of other more positive things, but when I do, I’m reminded of something we did or that you said, because I did tell you everything and share lots of stories, jokes, and random anecdotes with you.
Sometimes that’s fine.
In fact, sometimes it brings me a little more ease in thinking about it if I remember those positive things. But other times, when I’m upset about something and need someone to talk to, I remember that I used to be able to come to you with those things that made me upset, and then the bad thoughts start swirling around in my head. And when it rains, it pours. I spend way too much time thinking about why things ended up the way they did, but they still don’t make sense to me. I’ve gone over the situation’s details too many times to count, and it all ends up in your anger and my heartache.
It’s definitely past high time that I forget about you, but when you make someone a part of your routine, and spend a lot of time thinking about how excited you are to see them, and then something happens, and you can’t see them anymore, it’s hard to forget when you don’t have many other people who meant as much to you. I suppose that just means you shouldn’t put your all into something that you don’t know for certain will work out, but I’m not a person who likes to half do anything she sees worth in. I gave our relationship and our friendship my all because I loved you. I’m not saying you didn’t care at all, because I know you did at one point. I just know that you don’t now, and it hurts.
What you believe I did wrong isn’t what happened, and I can’t help but feel hurt and frankly, kind of appalled, that you would believe I could do something that terrible to you, even when I was very angry and upset. I know what kind of things would really hurt you, and that was one of them. I still cared about you, so why would I have done something so hurtful? All I want is to be able to tell you what really happened that night, but I can’t. I gave you space, and you gave me the frigid cold shoulder.
Nevertheless, the point of all this is to say that I miss you.
I understand that we can’t go back to being what we were-neither one of us needs that from the other. We weren’t meant to be together forever, and while that stung in the very beginning, I understand exactly why, now. What I don’t understand is why we can’t even speak to each other anymore. I may not have understood everything about you, but I at least tried to understand, and accept, and be there for you.
I wanted to be the person you could confide in, and the one you wanted to see. For a little while, I seemed to be, and I was pretty happy with you. I'll never forget the time you brought me my favorite flowers as a surprise after work, just because you knew I'd never had anyone do that for me, or the time you drove past your house just because you didn't think I was finished listening to songs I was obsessed with at the time. I know that despite how angry you were at something that you thought I'd done, you aren't a bad guy. As pissed as I've been at the situation, I've maintained that position.
I hope you know I’m sorry for anything I did actually do to hurt you, and I’m still willing to put the past aside and be friends, but, as they say, the ball is in your court.
But if the past couple of months are anything to go by, the game is over, and your team won. I’m just hoping it’s a time-out, and I still have a chance for a comeback.