I’m Sorry My Version Of Happily Ever After Isn’t Your #RelationshipGoals

I’m Sorry My Version Of Happily Ever After Isn’t Your #RelationshipGoals

Sorry dad, I am walking down the aisle alone

I suppose I’ve had a lot of time to think about all the things I want for my future. Nearly 20 years. I, like many girls, have fallen into the trap of Pinterest and have saved kitchens, children and wedding dresses to my boards. But as I got older my life kept changing—the way it does—so did my #goals and my Pinterest boards.

I have been to a handful of weddings in my life…enough to realize I don’t want one.

I always thought I’d be the girl in the princess ball gown with a gorgeous bouquet of expensive and exotic flowers whose colors were strewn down the aisle, over the arch where I would say “I do” and in the hands of my carefully chosen bridal party of 22. Yes I know. Ridiculous.

But the more weddings I went to, the more I realized how impersonal they could become by inviting 275 people who would sit in the audience and listen to you tell the love of your life your vows to them, because honestly nobody gives a shit. Maybe your parents, but even they get distracted. Then after, when the reception is full of trying to have meaningful conversations with people who don’t mean that much to you; you’d rather be at home in bed with a glass of wine and a movie.

I always thought I couldn’t take my wedding day away from my loved ones, but the thing is—I can. It’s not about anyone but my future partner and I. There is a beauty about picking any place in the world to get married and tying the knot there. On the park bench you first met, surrounded by nature or anywhere else that seems fitting. But I don’t want 200 people hoping that the food is good and there’s an open bar, taking away from that moment, because it’s not about them. Not at all.

To go along with that, if my partner confesses that he doesn’t want to elope, and I say fine as long as we keep the guest list under 75, and he says okay, I am sorry dad, but I am walking down the aisle alone.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, anyone’s property and do not need to be “given away”. I am my own. And I am very capable of walking down an aisle and making a commitment to someone else, forever, on my own. The thought that we still embrace such a degrading tradition is beside me. I am not anyone’s to give away. Sorry Dad—nothing against you. The photo op is not worth my independence and my ability to make my own decisions. It never should be.

Going off of this, a quick note to my future partner: don’t ask anyone’s permission to marry me.

I don’t need it. And the only person you need permission from is yours truly. I’m sure I’ll say yes so don’t freak out. Plus, I am perfectly okay with nothing more than a plain wedding band, yes, diamond free. It doesn’t matter. I hope our love is never bow tied with a ring. I hope our love is bow tied with laughter, and friendship and late night takeout pizza and too many beers and moments like this filled with companionship.

I don’t want any of the things I once thought I did. I don’t need those big houses, nice cars, 3-carat engagement rings, a room full of people and a dress I’ll never wear again and spent way too much money on. I want a love that’s full of everything it should be, because I hope, when I meet the person I’m supposed to be with forever, none of that matters.

Why does a wedding have to be thousands of dollars? Why can’t we get married wherever we want, have that moment together and come back to our closest family and friends and a party filled with food that’s actually good, a backyard bartender and real celebration that doesn’t feel stuffy and fake and full of people you’re just trying to impress. A love that is real will never need any thing more than the looks in the eyes of those holding it, to prove its existence.

So I am sorry Mom & Dad, for taking these moments away from you, I am. But if you want, I’ll hire a videographer and my wedding will cost 1,000 dollars, and it will be the most practical thing I have ever done. And unlike the running joke, there will be no bridezilla, from this type A, hopeless romantic who has thought about this day since she was six. Who knew?

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

Mia Khalifa Got Engaged Before You Did — Another Reminder That Nice Girls Always Finish Last

"Well-behaved women seldom make history," right?

Dr King
Dr King

On Thursday, March 14th, the infamous adult industry star and sports commentator, Mia Khalifa, and her long-time boyfriend, Robert Sandberg, got engaged over a fancy dinner in Chicago. As soon as I saw the picture on her Twitter page, I was ecstatic because I love engagement announcements. Besides, there's always something encouraging about seeing two people who are in love take an even deeper step in their relationship to ultimately reach their end goal. But of course, when you're a public figure, people take it upon themselves to add their two cents. While I usually roll my eyes at unsolicited comments from randoms on the internet, I couldn't help agree with one thread of comments in particular.

Seeing tweets like this make sense to me because I've always been a firm believer that being a non-traditional woman doesn't make you exempt from being wifey material. When I saw that Mia got engaged, the first thing that came out of my mouth was "good for her" and I meant that genuinely. Her career in pornography has been controversial especially due to her Lebanese heritage. In an interview with Newsweek, Khalifa admitted that her own parents don't even speak with her.

After leaving the porn industry within three months, she became a successful entrepreneur. People wondered how she could make the transition despite her past, but she went on a become successful businesswoman, juggling between being a co-host for sports commentary channels, posting live streams for Twitch, and selling merchandise through Patreon. I personally don't think these amazing qualities should be overshadowed by the stigma of working in adult film.

And the stigma behind bad girls didn't just start recently. Most of this can be explained by the Madonna-Whore Dichotomy (MWD), popularized by Sigmund Freud. Simply put, good girls are associated with purity while the bad girls are associated with promiscuity. While many of Freud's theories surrounding sexuality are laughable at best in the psychology world, the MWD still holds weight today and both women and men suffer from this ideology. Even certain reactions to Mia's engagement compare her sexual reputation as a contrast with what a "good girl" or "wife" should be.

With that said, let me explain why non-traditional women like Mia Khalifa are worthy of everything they desire. There's underlying strength behind bad girls because they tend to live a fearless life. A bad girl doesn't make her decisions based on what people think of her or what seems like the easy route to go by. A bad girl is fully aware of how she may be perceived, but that doesn't stop her from conquering her goal. A bad girl receives the fullest out of life because she doesn't get what she deserves per se, but gets what she negotiates. When she actively gets what she wants on her own terms, it's often a display of her confidence and power and that alone is ten times more alluring than being basic.

So when people ask the questions “Why would a man want to marry someone like that?" I would tell them that many qualities that are considering wifey material are outdated. In the 1950s, the main aspect that constituted what it meant to be a wife was a woman who fulfilled the traditional gender role. In 2019, women have more space to live their lives in a way that isn't solely an audition to become a wife even if they still get judged for it at times.

Now, the concept of what wifey material is has changed. It's not only about a woman's ability to cook and clean and preference to stay in rather than going out. A study conducted every year by the University of Iowa since the 1930s gave insight to the qualities that men look for in a long-term partner and the top traits were financial stability, emotional stability, attractiveness, intelligence, dependability, and ambition.

Independence is one word that can sum up most of traits and it describes women like Khalifa perfectly. She even stated in an interview for Playboy that when it comes to whatever direction she goes in life and career, unless she does it on her terms, she'll never be happy. It takes a lot of confidence, independence and intelligence to be able to flourish while doing what you want on your own terms.

Aside from Khalifa, there are many examples where non-traditional women have reigned supreme. Take Chrissy Teigen for example. She isn't the kind of woman who dulls herself down for the sake of a relationship. She's outspoken and never shies away from addressing topics that other women are thinking of but don't say out loud. She has also revealed that she and John Legend slept together the first night they met, and they're happily married to this day.

The same compartmentalization applies to Nicole (Snooki) LaValle who was once deemed “one of the most un-wifeable celebrities" due to her party image in "Jersey Shore." She is now currently going strong with her husband, Jionni, and they have two kids.

Meghan Markle, Duchess Of Sussex, also faced scrutiny as she hasn't always been seen as the proper fit for Prince Harry because she never lived a “quiet" life before him and lived her previous life in the public eye through acting. Despite reservations on their relationship, Markle and Prince Harry have been successful and will welcome their first child later this spring.

To put this in a more realistic context, a lot of us will never know what it's like to live the kind of life with the stigma of being a woman in the adult entertainment industry or the minimization of our career due to our marriage with a famous husband. However, many of us do know what it's like with the stigma of not being a traditional woman. We know what it's like to grow up learning that we have to dumb ourselves down in order to make boys like us more. We know what it's like to hear "the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach" followed by stern advice to make sure we know how to cook in order to keep a man. We're well acquainted with the feeling of discouragement of being talked out of many things because it isn't considered ladylike.

So if you're a woman who is reading this and you don't have the most conventional style, personality, or career path, continue doing you. Don't live your life constantly wondering what people will say about the way you live your life. You are free to be as loud, confident or unorthodox as you want. Being wifey material should not be at odds with feminine sexual expression or anything else that goes against the status quo that women have to be docile and submissive in order to obtain a husband. Keep shaking the tables and breaking down barriers because one day, the world will be yours.

Dr King
Dr King

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Stop Referring To Your Boyfriend As Your Future Husband

Why it's dangerous to get ahead of yourself in a relationship.


I am by no means a relationship expert.

I am three months into my first relationship ever, which is going quite well, but still, I do not know much about relationships in general.

All couples are different. They move at different paces, have different issues, and different quirks. However, one thing that I believe should apply to all couples, is how you should speak about marriage.

Couples that are just dating should not talk about their future marriage as if it is a given.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe in dating to marry. When looking at potential dating partners, I always think way far ahead into the future. I can not hang out with a guy without analyzing how his traits would translate into our future together. Every one of his quirks, opinions, and actions are compared with what I want in a future husband, father to my kids, and my forever BFF. Kind of weird and intense, but I can't help it.

Anyways, it can be hard to find the right person for you to date.

So, once you do find that one you can see yourself ending up with, it's pretty exciting! You want to spend all of your time with that person! And talk about them all the time! And dream about your future with them.

But, just because you do find the chosen one that you could see yourself marrying, does not mean you need to tell them that.

Saying things like "when we get married" and "once we're married" only sets you guys up for hurt.

Every time you talk about your marriage as if it's already set in stone, you are making a promise to your person. A promise that you will be getting married, and have this hypothetical life together.

But until there is a ring on someone's finger, a formal promise in the form of engagement, your hypothetical life together is just that, hypothetical.

Making plans about when that person is your husband is dangerous because you do not know whether he will actually be your husband or not. If you guys break up, you are not only losing your boyfriend but the husband that he was in your head.

So, if you are confident that the person you are dating is going to be your spouse, go ahead and get engaged. And if you are not ready for an engagement, you are not ready to talk about that person as if you are already a married couple.

So, hold off and keep those wedding bells in your head.

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