9 Debunked Myths About White Girls Who Date Black Guys

9 Debunked Myths About White Girls Who Date Black Guys

I'm new to interracial dating, but I've already been hit with these stereotypes.
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I'll start off by saying that I don't intend for this article to speak for all white women/men or all black men/women.

I exclusively dated white men for many years prior to very recently entering the interracial dating scene. This is new territory for me, but I think it speaks volumes that I've already discovered that it comes with certain stereotypes attached. These are some of the stereotypes I've witnessed, along with things people have actually said to me, or things I've read online.

I'm going to attempt to address and dispel these stereotypes surrounding white women who date black men:

1. We're not all fat.

According to this Reddit thread, black men go after overweight white women because they have less options, so they take what they can get. Not that celebrities are always accurate depictions of regular people, but a handful of the Kardashians prove this stereotype to be false.

It also could just be that black men appreciate women who don't have a certain body type. If the argument is that overweight white women go after black men because they can't get with white men, this demeans black men by insinuating that they are not as desirable as white men.

2. We don't all have daddy issues.

I had a white guy tell me that “7.5 times out of 10, a white girl that's into black guys has very deep rooted daddy issues." What evidence there is to prove this, I don't know.

I happen to have a very good relationship with my father. I've always been a "Daddy's Girl" and I would never intentionally date a specific race in an attempt to “lash out" at either of my parents. While it's true that a woman is more likely to date and marry someone who looks similar to her father, it's also true that she'll choose a life partner who shares the same qualities as her father.

So perhaps color doesn't matter in this case, as long as a woman can find someone who treats her well.

3. We're not trying to prove that we're not racist.

By dating a black man, we don't think that's an extension of “I have black friends, therefore I'm not racist." If we were racist, we wouldn't be dating a black guy in the first place. Who can really keep up appearances for that long just to prove a point?

4. We don't think that we're better than black girls.

Yes, it's true that OKCupid did a study that showed that black women are less likely to get responses from any race, including black men.

This doesn't mean that white girls who date black guys think that they're above black women. This is not to say that white privilege doesn't exist, it just means that white women don't think they can automatically get a black guy just by virtue of being white. Nor are white women trying to take anything away from black women.

A white friend of mine who was dating a black guy in school (who is now her husband) says that she was quick to experience pushback, when she would hear things such as “she's taking our good men!" being said about her. There are plenty of black men who exclusively date black women and in those cases, white women don't have any sort of edge.

Just because society has identified whiteness as some sort of marker of success doesn't mean that white women view themselves as an “upgrade" for black men.

5. It's not just a fetish.

No, we are not all just trying to see if the rumors about black men are true; there are websites for that.

6. We're not trying to rebel against society.

Interracial marriages were only legalized in the United States 50 years ago, which means that when a black man and white woman walk down the street holding hands in certain parts of the country, they are still going to get glared at.

I had another white guy tell me that interracial sex is bestiality and that interracial marriage is against the Bible (in 2017! Can you believe that?!)

Sure, it's fun to piss redneck, Confederate flag waving, Fox News watching racists off, but dating is too much effort for that to be the only perk. We know that there will always be people who will never accept interracial relationships and while we enjoy making those people squirm with discomfort, our dating preference is not a statement to change their narrow minds.

7. We haven't all had bad experiences with white men.

Of course, it's possible that a white woman had a traumatic experience with a white man, which makes her look to other races for love and stability in a relationship; but, this is not always the case. In my eight years of dating white men, I've had equally good and bad experiences, but there was not one single event that made me decide that I'm no longer into white men.

Sometimes people just get bored of dating the same race and want to explore, especially if they grew up in a town that was predominantly one race. And sometimes you surprise yourself and end up being attracted to someone you never thought you would be because they're not traditionally your “type."

My white friend who is married to a black man said, “it's just him I fell in love with. If he was green, I'd still love him!"

8. We don't think that we're too good for white guys.

There's this stereotype that white women who date black guys are trying to “show off" or to make white men jealous of black men. Interracial dating is not revenge dating.

Plus, all the males in my family are white and I have nothing but respect for them, so how can I think I'm better than them? The same goes for black men; their mothers and sisters are black, so they shouldn't think they are above black women by dating white women.

9. We don't think black men are easier to get.

Black people make up 14.4% of the American population, which means there are roughly 21.5 million black men living in America.

Cut that number in half to account for the black children, now that's 10.75 million. Consider all the gay/transgender black men, now we're down to about 9.75 million. But all those 9.75 million black men have to be single, within a certain age range, emotionally available and meet your standards.

By the time you factor in the married men, fathers, or the elderly, you have a pool of black men less than the size of New York City spread out over 50 states. Trust me, if we wanted easy, we would not be dating minorities.

These are just some observations I've made and they obviously do not apply to every interracial dating situation. I always knew that race was a problem in America, but I didn't (and still don't fully) realize the intricacies of it and how deeply it extends to dating culture.

Dating outside of my race has opened my eyes to how much work we still have to do as a society to combat racism, both blatant and masked.

Cover Image Credit: Kim Kardashian / Instagram

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8 Qualities That Still Hold Up When Looking For The 'Perfect Guy' In 2019

He hasn't come along yet, but I'll know him when I see him.

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Ah, the mythical "perfect guy." Technically, he doesn't exist.

But there are guys that seem perfect to the people who love them despite their flaws. Over the years, I've compiled a mental list of things I look for in a guy. The list has changed over the years as different things became important to me. It's probably as complex and comprehensive now as it'll ever get, but I can't be sure.

The following are in order of importance, at least for me. Here are the best qualities to look for in a man in 2019:

1. Having strong faith.

This is crucial! I'm Christian, so for me, that means if he's not a Christian, it's a dealbreaker. My morals and beliefs are very strongly linked to my faith in God, and I just can't be with someone who doesn't share that conviction. I wouldn't marry a man who's not a Christian, so why even bother dating one?

"Imagine a man so focused on God that the only reason he looked up to see you is because he heard God say, 'That's her.'"

2. Kind

This is also very important! I've liked guys in the past who had some of the other qualities I looked for I but weren't kind. A relationship without kindness is toxic. Everyone deserves someone who treats them well, but that person should treat everyone well. They shouldn't discriminate with their kindness.

3. Funny

I need a guy who can make me laugh! He also needs to be able to understand my sense of humor, which is mostly sarcasm. I find a lot of things funny: jokes, puns, memes, no matter how seemingly stupid. If you've got those, you're golden.

4. Smart

Intelligence is attractive. It's true. I want a guy who's smart but isn't conceited. He knows he knows a lot but he doesn't think he's better than everyone else. He doesn't have to be a genius. He could be really smart in one subject, or kind of smart in many subjects. I just want him to know a thing or two about a thing or two.

5. Hardworking

My guy needs to be ambitious. He needs to have goals that he works toward. He can't be lazy. I believe that it is primarily the man's duty to financially support his woman. This is most applicable in marriage, but it works in dating relationships, too. I don't want someone who is unable to provide for me. In order to do that, he needs to be able to provide for himself.

6. Cute

You knew I'd get to this! I'm not blind, after all. Trust me, I think it's important for a guy to be attractive. But it's not as important as everything listed above this. I've been told I have weird taste in guys in terms of looks. What I see as cute doesn't always line up with society's definition. The important thing is that I'm attracted to him. Physical attraction is important in a relationship. To be picky: I don't like facial hair or too much muscle. I do like chest hair and back muscles.

7. Creative

This can mean a lot of different things. He could draw, paint, write, sing, play an instrument, etc. As long as it shows that he's inclined to use the right side of his brain. I'm a writer, so I'm naturally more drawn to people who prefer creativity over logic.

8. Interested in Me

Despite being last, this is extremely important! Without this, none of the other things matter. It's just like every other crush I've ever had. Nothing different. Nothing special. While I've been able to find guys who exhibit the first seven qualities, the eighth has been much harder to come by. I've never been in a relationship, so I imagine it will be really wonderful when I eventually find someone who reciprocates my feelings.


Some people may think my standards are too high, but I refuse to lower them. I believe that God has someone out there for me who lives up to these standards and even exceeds them. I just have to be patient and trust His timing.

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The Friend You Like Romantically Doesn't Owe You Anything

The friend-zone can be escaped, but not in the way you might want
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We've all heard the story of the "friend-zone." Boy is in love with his best friend, she dates all the wrong guys and fails to notice how perfect he is, then eventually realizes how wrong she was and they live happily ever after.

I used to think that the friend-zone was a myth that lonely men created to feel better about themselves. But then I got friend-zoned myself.

Yes, it sucked, but the second I realized I had feelings for a friend (that I knew had no such feelings for me), I decided to suppress the feelings. When that wasn't enough, I cut them off for a bit, then, slowly, I felt OK. I could communicate with them without having unwanted romantic feelings pop up. I had escaped the friend-zone.

Having gone through that, I had more sympathy for someone I had to friend-zone a little while later. I had been friends with this guy for a few months. I didn't have many college friends yet and I was really lonely, so having his company really meant a lot at the time.

This caused me to not be able to see what should have been clear: he had a crush on me. When I finally made the realization, I immediately let him know that I didn't feel that way about him. He said it was OK, but I could tell it wasn't.

We didn't talk at all over the summer and when we came back for the fall semester, he would barely look at me. I had started dating his friend, which caused an even bigger rift between us.

Though I understand where he's coming from, I was also really mad at him for a long time.

It was as if he was only nice to me because he wanted romance in return. But people are not vending machines. You can't put in your "nice guy" coins and expect love, sex, or whatever the hell it is you want in return.

It hurt me to know that he only wanted romance and once that was off the table, he no longer wanted anything to do with me.

But then I thought back to the friend that had friend-zoned me. Unrequited affections really suck, especially when they're for someone that you spend a lot of time with. But the key is to work to escape it.

Yes, liking someone you're friends with and them not liking you back is a real thing, but people tend to treat the friend-zone like this mythic hell dimension that can never be escaped. But you can escape. Just maybe not in the way you'd like to.

Now there are three ways you can escape the friend-zone:

The first option is to confess your feelings and try to win them over. Now, this isn't completely unheard of. I've had friends that have dated people who had previously friend-zoned them, but it's extremely rare and risky. You have to risk your entire friendship in order to do this. If it doesn't work out, it could strain the friendship or sometimes break it beyond repair.

You can also do what my ex-friend did and completely cut the person off. If you're being a love-zombie and only doing nice things for the friend because you expect romance in return, leaving the situation might be the most healthy decision for you. I understand now that my friend might have stopped talking to me out of self-preservation. But it still hurts the people involved.

The third and final option is to just get over it. It's harsh, but it's real. Why try something you know is going to fail and cause pain to both sides? Yes, getting over crushes can be really difficult, but getting a normal friendship back rather than being stuck a love-zombie for them is worth the pain.

Whichever one you choose, just remember this: Your friends do not owe you any romantic affection. The work you put into making them happy should just come out of the goodness of your own heart. If you expect romance in return, you're not being a good friend to them. If you really care about them, don't put that kind of pressure on them. They don't want a mindless love-zombie that does their bidding for the hope that they'll get a tiny love kernel out of it. They just want a friend.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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