We all know about THAT type of girlfriend.
The girlfriend who seems like her boyfriend is soooo whipped, the girlfriend that questions everything her boyfriend does with other women, the girlfriend that is seen as “controlling"—the jealous girlfriend.
And as much as it sucks to say it, this is the type of girlfriend I am.
Let me tell you where this story began. I wasn't always a jealous girlfriend. When I was dating my ex, I only had one case of jealousy, and then we broke up two weeks later. When my current boyfriend and I started dating, I was not a jealous girlfriend.
My boyfriend and I started dating in August, I didn't become a jealous girlfriend until May of our first year of dating. The reason I became one was that my boyfriend admitted to me he still had feelings for his ex, which we did work through. However, with his ex being in his class, this caused some uneasy feelings.
When I'd be walking down the halls of my own high school, often times my boyfriend would come to mind, then I'd think about what class he was in... and sometimes the class he'd be in would be one he has with his ex. It didn't help that he only had 17 people in his class too because in my mind that meant a greater chance of interacting with his ex that he "still had feelings for."
However, then the summer came and D (my boyfriend) was working a summer camp that I was not. This was no problem, I trusted him. I was driving him back home after this camp and he was talking about the girl he gave a talk with, which I had no problem with this since I personally knew her.
It was when D was saying how they had lots of deep talks with each other and how they were saying they believe in each other and stuff, then he added, "she's like my new best friend."
At this point D and I were almost a year and it was known we were each other's best friends, so this hurt, and that's when the jealousy got out of control, another issue we worked through.
Jealous got bad, it was annoying and I knew I was damaging my relationship and myself in the process. My problem was I never knew how to let go and trust him among other females. I trusted him, not other girls. Plus there was something I liked about being "in control," this was not a good thing.
In January of this year, my jealous got really bad, mostly because it was a time I had pretty low self-confidence. When D and I were in Washington D.C. for the annual March for Life, we went to mass, and because of the number of people there we were on the floor against the wall. Right across from us was a caramel blonde against the pews. Throughout mass I noticed her look at me, look at herself, and based on experience, I felt like she was comparing myself to her, and I could tell, in her mind, I was "superior."
At this point, I felt bad and wanted her to feel better about herself, because she was pretty. So I asked D to call her pretty after mass. I then saw her whisper something to her friend. Her friend then looked at me and said something back. Confidence destroyed. However, I didn't tell D not to call her pretty, because that would be a petty thing to do and not a Christian thing either.
So after mass, I left right away to get to the bus, simply because I knew I didn't want to be around when he did it. I was already on the verge of crying as it was, and my natural instinct when I cry is to run away. We got back to the bus, D was sitting right across from me, I asked what he ended up saying. He stated that he said he thought she was beautiful and she just said thank you. "He called her beautiful, not pretty like I asked him to, beautiful is the word he uses for me".
Before this, D and I were having one of those weeks where it just seems to be constant fighting. We got into another fight, about him using the word beautiful instead of pretty, and I know it may not seem like a big deal, but it was to me. Besides this fight was just about more than the difference between two words. A part of it was how broken our relationship felt, again I started crying, and I couldn't physically run away, so I just told D I was tired and I just went to sleep.
I woke up about a hour later, and I noticed him look at me, but with a new look in his eyes. Over the past week, the look in his eye was just all the brokenness in our relationship, him getting annoyed at me, and not looking on me with an "I would die for you because I love you" look. But being in a two and a half year relationship at this point, I knew he still loved me, and I still loved him, it was just a rough patch for us, so him not having that look didn't phase me as a big deal at the time.
When I woke up from my nap, I noticed he was looking at me with love, an "I would die for you" love, I asked him what changed all the sudden. D told me he watched me sleep (in a not creepy way) and he thought "How can I be mad at her? I love her." The way he looked at me, it just, it was like I was seeing the raw pureness of true love.
Turns out all our relationship was missing was just a little bit of love! Because of this one look he gave me, my self-confidence went up, and all of our problems from before were forgotten and forgiven.
Who cares about the girl at mass he called beautiful? In her mind, I may have 'lost" against her, but the truth is I won. Who cares about his ex? They dated for nine months, we've been dating for two years and seven months. Who cares if another blonde catches his eye? He's looking at what our wonderful God created! He's with me because he wants to be, and love has gotten us through so many things!
I still classify myself as a jealous girlfriend, but I know I'm getting better. I'm trying to find comfort in the fact that if another girl has his attention over mine for a period of time, than it's not me he's meant to be with. This is okay. It's because of D I know what I deserve, I shouldn't have to compete for my boyfriend's attention. I know I'm not perfect, but who I am is who I am, and that is enough.