I Left My Relationship To Focus On My Mental Health And I'm So Glad I Did
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Content warning: suicide, depression, self-harm

On May 18th, 2017, I tried to kill myself by taking endless amounts of Ibuprofen.

It was only two weeks before I graduated high school, two days after I saw my favorite band, and a week before our senior class trip to Six Flags.

You're probably wondering what drove me to that point since I had so much to look forward to, but I can honestly say I was in the worst relationship I will probably ever be in. I thought I met a boy from heaven back in January 2017. He was sweet, wanted to show me off, and would spoil me with dinner dates and little surprises here and there. I hate to admit it, but he was the one that drove me to break up with my previous boyfriend of two years, I don't regret cutting things off with him since it was well overdue, but I do regret letting the toxic one convince me to do it.

Everything was going great with my new guy. We hung out a lot and even sometimes with his friends, he got me a birthday present and always made sure I was doing okay. He kept asking me to be his girlfriend but I kept denying it since I was freshly out of a two-year relationship and he was heading off to boot camp in the summer for the Army. Eventually, a couple of months pass and I finally agree to be his girlfriend since my feelings got stronger for him.

It was perfect. I was so happy to be with him. Until two weeks of dating later, I found out he was talking to other girls romantically. Of course, I called him out on it. I didn't understand after all this time he was begging me to be his girlfriend, he goes and does this. I was upset for a few days and eventually got over it since it wasn't physical or anything. From that day, our relationship went down drastically every day.

He started telling me what I could and couldn't wear. Whenever I would wear leggings he'd call me a slut or a whore. If I'd wear a v-neck shirt, I'd be stupid for showing off my boobs when that wasn't my intention at all. The only things I could wear were sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and when I'd do that, he'd call me ugly. I wasn't allowed to hang out with any of my guy friends because apparently they were threats, but yet he could go hang out with other girls alone and I couldn't be mad since "he was leaving for the Army in a couple of months and wanted to have fun." He told me I was only in wrestling because I wanted to pick up guys even though I've been in it since I was a little girl.

He was always lying about where he was. We shared our location on Find My Friends on the iPhone, and if I wasn't home or at work, he'd yell at me even if I was just at a friend's house. Two weeks later he broke things off with me but yet wanted to continue talking and being a thing until he left. Even though I was considered "single," I was still told I couldn't wear what I wanted or hang out with any other guys.

I was soon diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was up until 4 a.m. on school nights because of all the lies he'd tell me and I would wonder what I'm doing wrong since everything changed in a snap. I was worried about everything I did and wondering if he'd be mad at me if I did this or that.

It was now May of 2017 and I lost a total of 10 pounds from stress, I didn't get my period anymore because of how underweight I was. It was May 16th and I was on my way to see my favorite band with my best friend. I was waiting for this day since my birthday and I was so excited. But, when you knew I was having fun finally in a long time, he had to ruin it by texting me in the middle of it saying how he never wants to talk to me again and how crazy I am. I just didn't understand anymore.

Two days later was the day that changed my life forever. I caught him in another big lie and finally confronted him and I was then told how crazy I am, how he used me for gifts, how unattractive I am and other things girls should never hear. He convinced me that all these were true and I left class to go home and end my life.

Deep down I knew I didn't want to and it was stupid that I'm doing this because of a boy. But my way of ending this relationship for good was to be away from the world for a few days. I admitted myself into the inpatient treatment program at the hospital for a suicide attempt, anxiety and depression. I was in there for four days. I thought that admitting myself to the hospital was the weak way out of the relationship since I felt like I was running away from the problems. But in reality, I realized that this was the right way out for me.

I took four days to myself with no technology and no interaction with anybody besides my parents. It was exactly what I needed to keep my mental health in check. When I was released I felt like a new person, besides being 14 pounds underweight, I now felt free. In the beginning, I may have felt that admitting myself was the fragile way out, but when I was released, I understood that it was the only way out. I had the best last few weeks of my senior year with the people that mattered most in my life. I graduated high school and was now on my way to becoming a freshman in college.

It has almost been two years since this day and I still struggle heavily with my anxiety and depression. I have trust issues with everyone when I know I shouldn't. Luckily enough for me, I found love again. With someone who treats me how I should be treated. He knows my past and knows how hurt I was and I can never thank him enough for making me believe in love and myself again.

Although my life almost ended, I knew that I had so much more potential and I wasn't going to let a mentally abusive guy win. If you are or have been in my position and thought the only way out was to end your own life, I understand. But this is a sign to tell you that it does get better, it may be hard to leave at first because you think you love them and they love you, but someone who makes you feel worthless does not love you. Your own mental health comes first. You deserve someone better, and I found my someone better... and you will too.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

As Much As You May Want To, You'll Never Get Over Your First Love

You never forget your first

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Your first love is just that: the first person you've ever truly loved (besides your family and friends). Maybe you've kissed a few people before, but with this person it's different. They mean something to you that no other person ever has before. Maybe you met this person when you were younger in high school or met them a little later in life as I did at the end of my first year of college. Meeting my first love transformed me, both for the good and the bad, and as much as I may want to, I'll never get over my first love and neither will you.

When we met, we didn't meet in some fantastical way, we met on Tinder right after a surprise breakup of mine. We had instant chemistry, and I didn't get to kiss him for weeks because I ended up getting mono right after the breakup (haha whoops). He was the first person I've ever kissed who I didn't want to stop kissing- ever. Yes, second semester freshman year me was super extra when it came to him, but being with him was so different than anyone else. Things progressed through the summer as we talked every single day, even though we never got to meet up because we were both busy, and at the beginning of my sophomore year, I lost my virginity to him. That was a big step for someone who thought she'd wait until she was married. He made sure I was fine and didn't push me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'll treasure that forever.

He was someone I loved with all of my being, to the point where it was physically hurting me in the end because I knew what I felt wasn't going to ever be reciprocated the way I wanted it to be. That's when I had to end it, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To me, he was a boyfriend, but to him, I was a friend with benefits. I wanted something more and he wanted less, and I didn't want to accept that. I wasn't his first love but he was mine, which he doesn't know and probably never will. I have had moments where I thought I was over him, but then all the emotions flood right back. In hard moments of hurt is when I miss him the most, but also in moments of joy too. If I see a nice car I think of him, or of other little things, like a french bulldog or The Fast and The Furious.

Your first love leaves such a monumental effect on you as a person. They have seen parts of you others have not. You will always remember your firsts more than anything else, which is why your first love never leaves you. As roughly as things ended between he and I, he's always going to have a piece of me that no one else will ever have. The relationship we had wasn't what you'd expect from someone you call your first love, but his mark on me is what helped shape me into who I am today for better or for worse.

Don't let any negativity remain when it comes to your first love (if there is any). Let it go and remember the good. They will be a part of you forever, so you can never truly get over you.

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Why You Keep Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Love You Back In Your 20s

It's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

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Can love truly be both beautiful and heartbreaking?

It's a question I silently asked myself, sitting shotgun in a car next to someone I considered my friend.

A "friend" seemed to be the right label to define our relationship. To him, I was just a friend—who just happened to be a girl, a girl he texts regularly, jokes around, and can grab a drink with. And we loved each other as friends, because we both trusted each other, we had fun together and each had our own independent lives which would connect occasionally in a complete, non-questionable platonic way.

But slowly, for me, he was becoming everything I've ever wanted in a guy, standing right in front of me. But he wasn't mine to have.

And imagine being so close to someone you want except you can't have him because it might just ruin everything you've already shared together. Because what if you scare him away? What if he replies by telling you "No"?

That's the simple nature of falling in love with someone you can't be with.

In our early part of our lives—particularly in our 20s and during our college years, we all experience this type of heartbreak.

To name a few: A high school boyfriend who lives halfway across the country now. The hot guy you sit next to in lecture who already has a girlfriend. The casual hookup who you just can't manage to stop thinking about as you endlessly toss and turn at night. The platonic friend who doesn't quite see you as being something more.

We all at one point in our thoughts have imagined "coupling" or sharing a life with a guy who we can't seem to have for ourselves. We've always dreamt how things could actually work out if you actually shared your feelings with him except the closest we'll ever reach to it is in our dreams, not reality.

And to examine the logic behind why this happens, we have to first admit how we always want what we can't have.

Because it's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

So, it's not really this case of the whole Romeo and Juliet "star-crossed lovers" BS but rather, it's purely a one sided love which can most definitely be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Beautiful because there's always a connection you feel which makes you all warm and bubbly inside but heartbreaking because you know this connection is merely flowing in a one way track.

So then, why do we tend to maintain our connections with these people who hurt us?

One reason is because you're afraid to lose him altogether. Perhaps you think he's going to go on full freak-out mode after you spill the beans to him. My piece of advice in this scenario would be to just suck it up and take the chance. Talk to him about how you feel because honestly, what's there to lose? Unless you're not reciting some sappy, over-the-top love story about how many kids you plan to have with him, you're fine.

But perhaps, the most common reason is because we assume he might eventually fall in love with us, too.

And if this pertains to you, gear up because I can write on for days about why this is a big no-no. Heck, I can probably teach a class or lecture to all of you about my elaborative theory of why you will definitely know whether a boy truly loves you or not. It's plain and simple—if he loves you, he'll make sure you know.

And you can't force someone to fall in love with you. Even if you pay them a million bucks, you can get them to pretend to love you or force them to be with you—but it's never going to be true love. Because true, unrequited love is effortless. It comes naturally. The fiery passion will be shared mutually and you won't ever have to question whether or not you belong with him.

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