It Took A While, But I Finally Understand That My Life Isn't Just About My Relationship

It Took A While, But I Finally Understand That My Life Isn't Just About My Relationship

Long distance doesn't mean I have to only think about my boyfriend 24/7.
927
views

Recently I have had a bit of a realization. Throughout my one year relationship, my boyfriend and I have had to be apart for a couple weeks at a time, sometimes a couple of months due to vacations or internship opportunities. During those times, I had a really hard time dealing with the distance. I would be sad and constantly want to talk to him.

If we went a couple days without talking consistently, it would bother me the whole time. My mind was preoccupied and even when I would try to keep busy or hang out with some of my other friends, I would still want to talk about him and the distance a lot.

At this point, even I started to recognize that I was handling the distance poorly. But I didn’t know how else to deal with it; I missed him and because of the time difference or our schedules, talking to him to make myself feel better wasn’t possible. So, for the first couple times that we had to be apart, this is how I would handle it. I would be sad and miss him a lot and honestly be only semi-productive.

Then, something changed.

During this current winter break, my boyfriend and I were apart again due to both of our vacations overlapping. Thus, when I got back from mine, I did what any college kid does on break. I texted all my friends to see when they are free to hang out and started to make plans with all of them. I started reading a book I have been wanting to finish for a while and just spent time relaxing from what was a hectic semester. I even started watching the "Harry Potter" series for the hundredth time!

I found myself relatively busy, but also very happy because I was around people I loved and having a lot of fun. Of course, I still greatly missed my boyfriend and would rather him be here than thousands of miles away in a different time zone.

However, I have finally realized something that may seem fundamental, but took me a while to understand.

I have finally understood that my whole life isn’t just about my relationship.

There is so much more to me and my life then my partnership with my boyfriend.

I know it sounds like the most obvious thing that I have written because most people know this fact, but I think for a lot of people it’s more difficult to actually do. I have written about in previous articles that my parents have had a rough relationship. Thus, I think in the back of my mind I felt that if I didn’t put all my time and energy into my relationship, it may turn out unsuccessful.

However, now I have come to the understanding that a relationship, especially a long distance one needs to be formed with two people who have their own ambitions and goals and ways they find happiness on their own. I am not saying to be selfish but rather to maintain one’s independence and aspirations.

When you know you are going to be okay even if your partner is away, it allows you to be happy and live your best life. This feeling of being okay even if your partner is away can coexist with the feeling of still missing them and wanting them with you. This is one thing that I think took me the longest to fully understood.

I felt that if I was happy and doing my own thing, I was in a way making it seem that I didn’t genuinely miss my partner; which of course was not the case.

I am really proud that I have finally gotten to this place because I find that I am so much less stressed out and happier now that I have begun focusing more on myself. I know not everyone will be able to relate to the sentiment I have expressed in this article, but I hope that if you can relate, you can come to this realization one day too.

It's definitely not easy and takes time, but it can be done!

Cover Image Credit: @couplegoals

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

8 Qualities That Still Hold Up When Looking For The 'Perfect Guy' In 2019

He hasn't come along yet, but I'll know him when I see him.

1446
views

Ah, the mythical "perfect guy." Technically, he doesn't exist.

But there are guys that seem perfect to the people who love them despite their flaws. Over the years, I've compiled a mental list of things I look for in a guy. The list has changed over the years as different things became important to me. It's probably as complex and comprehensive now as it'll ever get, but I can't be sure.

The following are in order of importance, at least for me. Here are the best qualities to look for in a man in 2019:

1. Having strong faith.

This is crucial! I'm Christian, so for me, that means if he's not a Christian, it's a dealbreaker. My morals and beliefs are very strongly linked to my faith in God, and I just can't be with someone who doesn't share that conviction. I wouldn't marry a man who's not a Christian, so why even bother dating one?

"Imagine a man so focused on God that the only reason he looked up to see you is because he heard God say, 'That's her.'"

2. Kind

This is also very important! I've liked guys in the past who had some of the other qualities I looked for I but weren't kind. A relationship without kindness is toxic. Everyone deserves someone who treats them well, but that person should treat everyone well. They shouldn't discriminate with their kindness.

3. Funny

I need a guy who can make me laugh! He also needs to be able to understand my sense of humor, which is mostly sarcasm. I find a lot of things funny: jokes, puns, memes, no matter how seemingly stupid. If you've got those, you're golden.

4. Smart

Intelligence is attractive. It's true. I want a guy who's smart but isn't conceited. He knows he knows a lot but he doesn't think he's better than everyone else. He doesn't have to be a genius. He could be really smart in one subject, or kind of smart in many subjects. I just want him to know a thing or two about a thing or two.

5. Hardworking

My guy needs to be ambitious. He needs to have goals that he works toward. He can't be lazy. I believe that it is primarily the man's duty to financially support his woman. This is most applicable in marriage, but it works in dating relationships, too. I don't want someone who is unable to provide for me. In order to do that, he needs to be able to provide for himself.

6. Cute

You knew I'd get to this! I'm not blind, after all. Trust me, I think it's important for a guy to be attractive. But it's not as important as everything listed above this. I've been told I have weird taste in guys in terms of looks. What I see as cute doesn't always line up with society's definition. The important thing is that I'm attracted to him. Physical attraction is important in a relationship. To be picky: I don't like facial hair or too much muscle. I do like chest hair and back muscles.

7. Creative

This can mean a lot of different things. He could draw, paint, write, sing, play an instrument, etc. As long as it shows that he's inclined to use the right side of his brain. I'm a writer, so I'm naturally more drawn to people who prefer creativity over logic.

8. Interested in Me

Despite being last, this is extremely important! Without this, none of the other things matter. It's just like every other crush I've ever had. Nothing different. Nothing special. While I've been able to find guys who exhibit the first seven qualities, the eighth has been much harder to come by. I've never been in a relationship, so I imagine it will be really wonderful when I eventually find someone who reciprocates my feelings.


Some people may think my standards are too high, but I refuse to lower them. I believe that God has someone out there for me who lives up to these standards and even exceeds them. I just have to be patient and trust His timing.

OMG, check these out

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

The Friend You Like Romantically Doesn't Owe You Anything

The friend-zone can be escaped, but not in the way you might want
10252
views

We've all heard the story of the "friend-zone." Boy is in love with his best friend, she dates all the wrong guys and fails to notice how perfect he is, then eventually realizes how wrong she was and they live happily ever after.

I used to think that the friend-zone was a myth that lonely men created to feel better about themselves. But then I got friend-zoned myself.

Yes, it sucked, but the second I realized I had feelings for a friend (that I knew had no such feelings for me), I decided to suppress the feelings. When that wasn't enough, I cut them off for a bit, then, slowly, I felt OK. I could communicate with them without having unwanted romantic feelings pop up. I had escaped the friend-zone.

Having gone through that, I had more sympathy for someone I had to friend-zone a little while later. I had been friends with this guy for a few months. I didn't have many college friends yet and I was really lonely, so having his company really meant a lot at the time.

This caused me to not be able to see what should have been clear: he had a crush on me. When I finally made the realization, I immediately let him know that I didn't feel that way about him. He said it was OK, but I could tell it wasn't.

We didn't talk at all over the summer and when we came back for the fall semester, he would barely look at me. I had started dating his friend, which caused an even bigger rift between us.

Though I understand where he's coming from, I was also really mad at him for a long time.

It was as if he was only nice to me because he wanted romance in return. But people are not vending machines. You can't put in your "nice guy" coins and expect love, sex, or whatever the hell it is you want in return.

It hurt me to know that he only wanted romance and once that was off the table, he no longer wanted anything to do with me.

But then I thought back to the friend that had friend-zoned me. Unrequited affections really suck, especially when they're for someone that you spend a lot of time with. But the key is to work to escape it.

Yes, liking someone you're friends with and them not liking you back is a real thing, but people tend to treat the friend-zone like this mythic hell dimension that can never be escaped. But you can escape. Just maybe not in the way you'd like to.

Now there are three ways you can escape the friend-zone:

The first option is to confess your feelings and try to win them over. Now, this isn't completely unheard of. I've had friends that have dated people who had previously friend-zoned them, but it's extremely rare and risky. You have to risk your entire friendship in order to do this. If it doesn't work out, it could strain the friendship or sometimes break it beyond repair.

You can also do what my ex-friend did and completely cut the person off. If you're being a love-zombie and only doing nice things for the friend because you expect romance in return, leaving the situation might be the most healthy decision for you. I understand now that my friend might have stopped talking to me out of self-preservation. But it still hurts the people involved.

The third and final option is to just get over it. It's harsh, but it's real. Why try something you know is going to fail and cause pain to both sides? Yes, getting over crushes can be really difficult, but getting a normal friendship back rather than being stuck a love-zombie for them is worth the pain.

Whichever one you choose, just remember this: Your friends do not owe you any romantic affection. The work you put into making them happy should just come out of the goodness of your own heart. If you expect romance in return, you're not being a good friend to them. If you really care about them, don't put that kind of pressure on them. They don't want a mindless love-zombie that does their bidding for the hope that they'll get a tiny love kernel out of it. They just want a friend.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

OMG, check these out

Facebook Comments