I'm The Girl Who Finally Realized That Letting Someone Love You Takes Practice
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Love is such an abstract concept, it is a lot more than the happily ever afters.

Love is one of those things that cannot be explained (if it was easily understood and commonly defined, then I am guessing a lot of therapists would not have a job!) Every single person you meet is an experience and every relationship you have is different, containing a kaleidoscope of emotion, circumstance, and absolute random chance.

I have come to realize that love is not quantifiable.

Like how you cannot love someone "more" or "harder." Love is bigger than us, almost like a religious idea, like how you cannot see God, but you can see God through other people. Love works the exact same way. Love is not tangible, but it is visible through words and actions.

I can radiate love and sprinkle it on everything I do and every person I meet.

However, I do not accept love easily. This is not just a mere self-perception of my reactions to love, it is a reflection of the effect of unconditional love. I like to test the waters, making sure it is absolute. Like trying to see if unconditional love really means an unjudging, steadfast, and concrete love. Looking back, I have realized that I have self-sabotaged a handful of the most valuable relationships in my life. The lack of relationships do not affect me today, but in the moment, they were extremely important.

The most impactful example is during the two final years in high school.

I have always been extremely close to my parents, but throughout those years, I rebelled in every way possible. (I would like to think that when I am a parent, my kids will never get away with anything because I have already done everything before, but I have a feeling that is not going to be true...) I was kind of the daughter from your worst nightmares, the kind of girl that people make movies about. I would like to blame my prefrontal cortex for not developing quick enough, but deep down, I knew what I was doing.

Thankfully with bountiful forgiveness and unwavering patience, I have remade myself and my selfless parents are undoubtedly by my side, being my favorite and loudest cheerleaders. My other examples pertain to (ex)best friends and (ex)boyfriends. I seek comfort by always having one foot out the door.

I say that being "more vulnerable" is my New Year's resolution, just like everyone else who makes resolutions with hopes to magically wake up a changed person.

However, it is going to take work. Like a sports practice or daily homework, every day and every week, I need to learn to push myself out of my comfort zone and gradually create my interpretation of vulnerability to sprinkle into my world in art form. So here I am, putting pencil to paper (more like fingers to keys, but you get the point) and going to work.

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

An Open Letter To The Girl In A Toxic Relationship Who Doesn't See The Signs To Let Go

"it took letting go to realize that I was holding onto nothing" -R.H Sin

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Dear you,

I hope you're doing well. I once thought I was too. I once thought that if he would just change, for me, everything would work. However, my sweet girl, you should not have to change people, you should not have to push people to be better, for you. You cannot help anyone, that does not want to help themselves.

In the movies, we learn to love a bad boy that needs changing. However, it isn't always your job to be boys saving grace. However, his shaming and emotional abuse is not just something you should put up with so that you can love him. That is not loving.

Love is not a constant competition of who could belittle the other one first. Love is not asking for a hug and being told no. Love does not make you feel stupid for bringing up things that hurt your feelings.

Love does not grow angry because you talk to your mom about your feelings. Love does not body shame. Love does not constantly change the passcode to their phone.

Love does not laugh when you find out they're unfaithful. Love does not tell you that you are not smart enough to accomplish anything. Love does not force their hand up your thigh when the words "no" slip out of your mouth.

Love is the warmth of a hand on your cheek when you get anxious. Love is getting your backpack out the car for you. Love is turning around when you need them. Love compromises.

Love is encouraging. Love is proud. Love is forgiving. Love sees you for who you are. Love knows you are worthy.

God is your Father and you are His daughter, so do not believe for one second that this abuse is the love you think you deserve.

Love will not always be easy. Love will be challenging and a constant prayer to not anger so quickly.

However, do not mix up challenging with the abuse. If you are losing the good pieces of yourself, then it isn't love. I know that you put a lot of time and effort into this relationship, but it is no good, you are holding on to someone whose heart is not in the right place to love you.

I connected with a poem from R. H. Sin, once I left my toxic relationship which reads, "it took letting go to realize that I was holding onto nothing."

Darling girl, you are so loved by so many people, do not let this relationship hold you back or make you feel less worthy than you are. I have always been the girl with her nose stuck up in the air smelling for smoke, to follow the trail to a burning house to find a boy that needed saving, but it is more than likely a boy that lit the fire in the first place and needs changing.

So, do not be me, be better. Be the girl that lights her own world on fire, for her work, for her family, for God. You are you and you are amazing, so do not fear being without him.

You will feel as if you have come up for air after drowning in an ocean that you had no idea you were swimming in.

The emotional abuse that this boy has put you through and maybe even physical abuse will leave you building walls around your heart. It will make other relationships hard, but you are so so strong.

You will meet someone that makes you so happy and feel so easy to love, you will never understand how you stuck around with the one that hurt you for so long.

You deserve to grow from this, and I promise you will.

Let go.

xoxo,

The girl who learned from a toxic relationship

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Being Far Away From My Boyfriend Actually Strengthened Our Relationship Instead Of Forcing It Apart

While we were apart, we became closer.

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Before I really start this article, I just want to say that my relationship isn't truly a long distance relationship. We are both college students at the same university eight months out of the year, but the other four months we live quite a distance apart. Even during those four months, we are only about 150 miles from each other as the bird flies, but really about three hours from each other.

Being in a relationship where I'm not able to see my boyfriend every day or even every week has been a real challenge. But it's been a good challenge. It hasn't been a challenge because I've felt unfaithful or fallen out of love with him in any way. It's challenging because I miss him. We both work jobs and our schedules aren't the same and oftentimes we aren't able to talk to each other unless it's early in the morning or late at night. There are times when all I want to do is talk to him and tell him about how my day went and get a big bear hug from him. Unfortunately, I'm not really able to do this.

I firmly believe that being apart from each other for days, weeks, or even months have brought us closer than we could've ever imagined. We knew that this would be difficult, and we knew that there would be bad days, but we decided to power through it. It has made each time that we are able to see each other so much more special and meaningful.

Seeing each other has become more of spending time with each other than just laying around on the couch playing around on our phones. It's become really getting to know each other better and catching up on all the things we had missed. It's become a time for us to simply be in each other's presence and enjoy being able to talk face to face without a phone in the middle of us. We go on more adventurous dates, we take more pictures, and I think we would both easily say that we fall more and more in love with each other after each opportunity we have to spend time together.

Spending time together is no longer a daily activity, but it has become a right to be earned through hard work and several paychecks as travel can become expensive. We no longer take opportunities to see each other for granted, and it has made us grow closer because we aren't able to spend time together often. We look forward to the days when we won't have to worry about being apart but know that this is only a stepping stone in our relationship.

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