I have been told by so many people in my life that unless you take time to yourself, you won't find any lasting relationships. Seems simple enough. Just focus on doing me, and then I'll find a good guy. I have tried, and lately, I've been getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to guys.
I've been crying my eyes out over guys who ghost me like I don't matter and never did, and the thought that they saw me as so easily replaceable breaks my heart. I've gone to such a dark place of negativity, and struggle to keep a genuine smile on my face anymore. I guess I thought I took time for myself, but I don't think I took quite enough in recent months.
I wanted to get over someone, so I found a guy, and when he hurt my feelings, I found someone else to make me feel better. Ultimately, the most recent guy was someone I expected to break that chain and actually prove himself to be someone who was genuine and wanted to get to know me. He played the part really well but failed, and I think it's because an ex came back into the picture, so ditching me was all too easy. Where did honesty go? When did a lack of words suffice? While it was easy for them to treat me like this and move on, I suffered greatly on the other side. I lost motivation to care about my mental well-being, and treated myself, but went too far, and spent way too much. Material objects like clothes make me feel good, but the rush doesn't last forever. I needed to check myself. No one else knows what I'm truly feeling. Friends can only say so much.
I'm happy one day and upset the next. I find it so hard to watch people who can find relationships so easily, while I struggle. I know I deserve the world, as we all do, and I have been struggling to understand why I can't seem to find anyone who wants me as I want them. I guess the answer to that is that I need to want myself, and be happy in my skin again, in order for that someone to make his presence known in my life. Being lost in the world of social media has warped what is the truth and what isn't, and I've found I can't trust anything I see on there anymore.
I need to take care of myself again, and once I do, I'll really be ready to meet someone. I will stop seeking a guy when I should really be seeking myself and doing things for my benefit only. I don't even know what I love to do anymore, and that's scary. I want a lasting relationship but I know I won't find one in the state I'm in. I want all of you who haven't been putting yourselves first for a while to start doing so. Please stick up for what you want, and don't let stupid boys trying to be men to hurt you the way they have been. You're amazing, and you will find someone. I find it hard to believe what I'm writing at the moment, but I know a year from now I will be in such a different place, and you will too. The words I'm saying hold truth, whether you or I could really believe them right now.