Loving a narcissistic person is one of the easiest things to get sucked into but one of the hardest things to get out of or over. It is a constant process of beating yourself up with blame and self-destructive behaviors. It is taking everything they have ever said and done to you and defining yourself by it. It is looking in the mirror and no longer recognizing who you are and know that there is no love for yourself to be found. If you have already made the step to terminate the relationship, from here it only requires yourself and your ability to move on. Here are 10 things you need to keep in mind when recovering from narcissistic abuse:
1. Just because they always blamed you does not mean everything is your fault
A word often used when talking about narcissistic abuse is deflection. This is when someone is faced with the truth about who they are or something they have done to hurt another individual, and instead of owning up to it, they direct the blame onto the person telling the truth. When dealing with a narcissistic individual, this happens quite often and to the point where you genuinely feel like everything is your fault.
Nothing they did or said was your fault, they just cannot accept the truth about themselves. When moving on you have to remember that their inability to own up to who they are is more about them than it is you. It is time to release the burden of blame that you have been carrying for so long.
2. How you feel has always been and is always rational
One reason why you carry so much blame is because they have told you how you feel is not rational and that you are crazy. Everything you feel is real and rational, don't belittle your feelings because they did for so long. You feel what you feel for a purpose, don't ignore that because they turned your problem against you. You were and are the victim, don't let them take that away from you.
3. Everything you do is good enough
Another reason you blame yourself is because they reminded you that nothing you do is good enough for them or for anyone. Stop thinking that. I know that is easier said than done but the only reason they blamed you is because they don't know how to blame themselves.
4. You don't always have to explain yourself
Something that you had to do for a long time was explaining yourself, and that is not always required of you. You don't have to explain yourself to any or everyone out of the fear of being tormented if not. Just live your life and do what makes you happy without thinking that your every move needs an explanation. Just because your narcissistic abuser wanted you to explain yourself every time you did anything, doesn't mean you have to anymore.
5. You are not the mean things that they called you
You are none of the names that they called you and it is going to be a process to love yourself again and know that, but you will get there. Just remind yourself every day that the what they called you was a reflection of how they saw themselves. Simple as that.
6. They cannot be fixed
Narcissists see nothing wrong with what they do or say, so helping them is nearly impossible and pointless. Your love cannot change them for they do not want to be changed or see no reason to change. Let that go.
7. Their lack of love for you does not define what you really deserve
Just because they couldn't treat you right or love you in ways that you needed, doesn't mean someone won't. They were not the person for you and love does not destroy you. Narcissistic people have a good way of making us feel like they are the only ones that can love us and that they are the only ones who "know" us, which is not true. They don't love you and they only know the you that they have chiseled you into. You are worthy of so much more than that.
8. You will have to move on without an apology
Getting an apology out of a narcissistic individual is like pulling teeth, and I am sorry. You are going to have to suck up the idea that you need closure to let go and move on. You are capable of moving on without an apology, but you have to give that to yourself. They will never be or feel sorry for the pain that they caused you and any time they say that they are sorry, remember, it is a mind game to manipulate you. Narcissists are hardly ever sorry.
9. Your memory is fine, they just have "Toxic Amnesia"
Toxic amnesia is when a "toxic" person pretends to not remember an event that happened or conversation that you two had. As unfortunate as this is, it does happen. It will lead the victim to believing that he/she is crazy or that there is something wrong with their memory. Well, your memory is fine.
10. And yes, it is normal to miss your narcissistic ex-lover
You are probably wondering how and why you miss someone who has destroyed your every being, which is completely normal. You have become unfragmented and no longer a part of who you once were to fit their every need, there are reasons why you would go back to the only person you think could ever love you. But remember that what they were giving you isn't love and will never be love will always keep you moving forward.