10 Things To Keep In Mind When Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

10 Things To Keep In Mind When Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

The process is long but well worth it.
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Loving a narcissistic person is one of the easiest things to get sucked into but one of the hardest things to get out of or over. It is a constant process of beating yourself up with blame and self-destructive behaviors. It is taking everything they have ever said and done to you and defining yourself by it. It is looking in the mirror and no longer recognizing who you are and know that there is no love for yourself to be found. If you have already made the step to terminate the relationship, from here it only requires yourself and your ability to move on. Here are 10 things you need to keep in mind when recovering from narcissistic abuse:

1. Just because they always blamed you does not mean everything is your fault

A word often used when talking about narcissistic abuse is deflection. This is when someone is faced with the truth about who they are or something they have done to hurt another individual, and instead of owning up to it, they direct the blame onto the person telling the truth. When dealing with a narcissistic individual, this happens quite often and to the point where you genuinely feel like everything is your fault.

Nothing they did or said was your fault, they just cannot accept the truth about themselves. When moving on you have to remember that their inability to own up to who they are is more about them than it is you. It is time to release the burden of blame that you have been carrying for so long.

2. How you feel has always been and is always rational

One reason why you carry so much blame is because they have told you how you feel is not rational and that you are crazy. Everything you feel is real and rational, don't belittle your feelings because they did for so long. You feel what you feel for a purpose, don't ignore that because they turned your problem against you. You were and are the victim, don't let them take that away from you.

3. Everything you do is good enough

Another reason you blame yourself is because they reminded you that nothing you do is good enough for them or for anyone. Stop thinking that. I know that is easier said than done but the only reason they blamed you is because they don't know how to blame themselves.

4. You don't always have to explain yourself

Something that you had to do for a long time was explaining yourself, and that is not always required of you. You don't have to explain yourself to any or everyone out of the fear of being tormented if not. Just live your life and do what makes you happy without thinking that your every move needs an explanation. Just because your narcissistic abuser wanted you to explain yourself every time you did anything, doesn't mean you have to anymore.

5. You are not the mean things that they called you

You are none of the names that they called you and it is going to be a process to love yourself again and know that, but you will get there. Just remind yourself every day that the what they called you was a reflection of how they saw themselves. Simple as that.

6. They cannot be fixed

Narcissists see nothing wrong with what they do or say, so helping them is nearly impossible and pointless. Your love cannot change them for they do not want to be changed or see no reason to change. Let that go.

7. Their lack of love for you does not define what you really deserve

Just because they couldn't treat you right or love you in ways that you needed, doesn't mean someone won't. They were not the person for you and love does not destroy you. Narcissistic people have a good way of making us feel like they are the only ones that can love us and that they are the only ones who "know" us, which is not true. They don't love you and they only know the you that they have chiseled you into. You are worthy of so much more than that.

8. You will have to move on without an apology

Getting an apology out of a narcissistic individual is like pulling teeth, and I am sorry. You are going to have to suck up the idea that you need closure to let go and move on. You are capable of moving on without an apology, but you have to give that to yourself. They will never be or feel sorry for the pain that they caused you and any time they say that they are sorry, remember, it is a mind game to manipulate you. Narcissists are hardly ever sorry.

9. Your memory is fine, they just have "Toxic Amnesia"

Toxic amnesia is when a "toxic" person pretends to not remember an event that happened or conversation that you two had. As unfortunate as this is, it does happen. It will lead the victim to believing that he/she is crazy or that there is something wrong with their memory. Well, your memory is fine.

10. And yes, it is normal to miss your narcissistic ex-lover

You are probably wondering how and why you miss someone who has destroyed your every being, which is completely normal. You have become unfragmented and no longer a part of who you once were to fit their every need, there are reasons why you would go back to the only person you think could ever love you. But remember that what they were giving you isn't love and will never be love will always keep you moving forward.



Cover Image Credit: Joshua Earle

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

To My Best Friend Dealing With A Broken Heart, We'll Get Through This Together

I can't actually fill that void.

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To my best friend dealing with a broken heart,

It won't last forever.

Your heart, scratch that—you—will heal. You're already strong, but you'll become tougher. You're already smart, but you'll become wiser. You're already sexy, but you'll become even more irresistible.

And I'll be here the entire time. I can't wait to see who you become.

It won't be easy. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that you'll be smiling and confidently strutting the streets by tomorrow. You have everything you need, but if your heart needs some time, take it. There's no rulebook. Honestly, I don't know how I got out of my rut, but I did and now I'm here. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I cried on end, but my support group–you–helped me through it one day at a time. Don't stress about what other people think—even me, forget my thoughts! Focus on you. What does your body need? What does your soul need?

I'm sorry. I wish I could take away this pain.

There's nothing that can compare to this feeling and I know I can't actually fill that void—no one can, other than you.

You never think it'll happen to you.

You had the future planned out. You shared your deepest darkest secrets. You both shared, I love you's and genuinely meant it. Of course, there were happy times. It was all real. I won't bash your ex unless you need me to (personally, I cringe anytime someone speaks badly of my ex... at the end of the day, I loved that man) but, just know, you did everything you could.

It wasn't meant to be and, one day, you will find your happily ever after. That love will be greater than anything you can ever imagine.

I'm not going to sit here and let you mope. The memories will never fade, but at this moment, forget about the past and the future, only the now. If you are angry, punch a wall, but steer away from feeling regret. Nothing in life is worth regretting over. It is all lessons-learned and adventures to remember later on.

This will pass and you will laugh about it. When I heard that for the first time, I wanted to scream, I could never laugh at the situation, but here I am now. You lost someone and that's never easy, but you've also gained so much experience.

You are gorgeous and breathtaking, you better start believing it because anyone would be so lucky to have you in their life.

Today, you start loving yourself.

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I Chose My College Because Of My Then-Boyfriend—We Broke Up, And Somehow I Have No Regrets

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

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When you graduate high school while in a relationship, things can get a little tricky. If you're not from a college town or if you don't plan on attending the one near you, you're faced with some pretty big questions.

Is the relationship worth it? Can we do the whole "long distance" thing? How will it work?

Three years ago, I faced these questions with some uncertainty. My plan had always been to go out-of-state for college, to attend the big university of my dreams. I had applied there, and I even got accepted to enroll. It was a pretty big deal to me to achieve even a fraction of what I had dreamed of for so many years.

However, I had a boyfriend. It was a pretty serious one, since we'd been together for a couple years before I graduated high school. He was older, already in college. He came home pretty often since the college he attended wasn't horribly far from our hometown and we made it work.

When I got accepted to that far away college, things got uncomfortable. It was pretty obvious that he didn't want me to go there and wasn't a big fan of the thought of being a long distance couple. So, I compromised. I chose to apply to a college just under an hour away from our hometown, similar to what he did, so that we could continue to date. We were serious about each other, so I figured it was a sacrifice I could make for the long run. I wanted to make him happier by staying close by.

That didn't really work, though. Our personalities were painfully different, but this was only really highlighted in a negative way when I moved away. I was outgoing, involved, and loved to make friends. He was pretty much the opposite, and being older than me, he wasn't very interested in doing the things I wanted to do. He would come up to visit, but never wanted to interact with any of my friends or really do anything exciting at all besides sit in my dorm.

For the first two or so years that I was in college, we fought constantly. I didn't come home enough, I was too busy, and I was friends with people he wasn't fond of. I had a job, I was in a sorority, and I was involved in several other clubs, so my time was spread pretty thin. On the weekends, I would go out to parties totally sober for my friends but I'd get yelled at for being there at all. All of my actions were policed as if he was a father instead of a boyfriend. I was miserable.

I was afraid to talk about it publicly, but my friends knew how miserable I was and that the love had been gone for a long time. I was stuck at this university that I didn't really care about, that was too close to home for me to really feel like I had even left the nest at all.

After nearly two years of misery, I finally left that relationship. It pissed a lot of people off, especially the people back home who were friends with both of us. But they didn't know everything, just one side. That's OK, though. I really didn't care, because I was finally taking my life back.

I may have chosen to attend my university because it was closer to a boyfriend back home, but I love it even more now than when I started. I was able to become involved in campus activities and organizations without feeling guilty anymore. I was able to hang out with friends without being yelled at and tracked like a dog. I was able to enter a new relationship that was healthy, loving, and bettered my mental well-being instead of hurting it.

I've been able to fall in love with my campus all over again. It may be close to home and people I don't really care about anymore, but if I had gone out-of-state or anywhere else, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be in my sorority, or in my current relationship. I wouldn't be the best version of myself that I've seen to date. I wouldn't be this strong woman who finally learned her worth.

I used to regret my decision to attend the college that I do, but I don't anymore. It's my home, and no one can take that away from me. Thanks to my university, I've been given opportunities to grow as a leader, as a student, and as a person. I'm not the person I was in high school three years ago, that's for damn sure, and I couldn't be happier about that.

I don't necessarily think everything happens for a reason, but I do think that choosing the college that I did was a pivotal moment in my life. My high school relationship might not have worked out, and sure, college was a factor, but I'm glad that it didn't. My life is mine now, and so is my college experience.

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