I have had a lot of time recently thinking about my past and who I wanted to be growing up. Sometimes I wanted to envision myself living this perfect life with the house, the dog, and of course, the person who would be next to me for the rest of my life.
Who even thinks about that life anymore? We are all so caught up in our daily lives in college and especially out of it when we are all trying to figure out how we fit in the world alone.
There were a lot of guys that I loved.
Now that I have your attention again, I didn't love these boys the way I know love now. This kind of love was a feeling I had for being with someone who gave me a chance to speak, to listen, and most importantly, to be myself. I met them at separate times but they all had the same thing in common: They wanted more and I couldn't do that. And maybe that made me immature then, but what is being young without also immaturity?
These boys, they were people who I respected and in some ways, every single one could have been the one, but fate didn't make it that way.
We all want to end up with the perfect person, but I have learned from experience that person doesn't exist. It took me a long time to realize that everyone is going to make mistakes and the reason for these experiences is so we get to know what we want out of ourselves instead out of other people. People may bring it out of us, but our true feelings lie within our heart and who we believe we are.
I used to love these boys because they wanted to love me back, but they never could. They could give me their body, but not their soul. I never really could give them what they were looking for all together, and I think that made all the difference. Love is a shared connection. I love my friends, and I love who I am with now, but love shouldn't rely on familiarity. It is so much deeper than that.
To all the boys I loved before, you made me strong because you taught me what it is like to get to know a person for who they are, not who they want to be.