With 2019 summer hookup season ahead of us, it's reasonable for many girls to have questions we've always wanted to ask guys. I mean, come on. I can't be the only one who wonders exactly why dudes always tend to dip out of a situationship immediately following a passionate spring fling. Or why guys will never, EVER, try to admit their emotional feelings without burning away their sense of pride.
And luckily for me (and now, all of you), there's a particular guy in my life who I get to ask these random, borderline-TMI questions to. Meet Alex. If we're talking introductions here, he's a blunt, brutally honest twenty something guy living in LA, a recent UC Santa Barbara graduate, a social media curator for a PR/Marketing company and a self-proclaimed amateur social scientist. He also happens to be one of my best friends, and a reliable source I turn to every time I have questions about WHY guys act the way the do and also WHY hookup culture is the way it is.
Recently, I had the chance to ask him a complication of 10 questions regarding guys/hookups for his 100% brutally honest responses.
Q: So, why is it that guys always like to "smash and dash?"
A: Many reasons, maybe some are afraid of catching feelings, some see you just as a conquest, and some may regret their decision. Personally I try not to get caught up in my emotions to avoid attachment and usually, that means I won't try pursuing anything more than a friendship. I think at the end of the day hooking up should be fun instead of being stressful, so it's nice to find people who are honest and open about their intent. Who likes to worry about overstepping boundaries or scaring off the other person?
Q: Why can't guys ever admit his feelings to a girl?
A: "Because societal conditioning of men shouldn't show emotions, he has other options, and the fear of getting hurt/vulnerable. Guys generally want to mess around as many girls as they want but girls want just one good guy they can be with. I mean, you can't escape hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary biology. Boys will be boys and girls will act as girls."
Q: How do you know if you found "The One?"
A: I'll know if I stop thinking about other women because I'm just enjoying her time and attention. Honestly, that's what I've heard from a lot people who have already found The One. I think a girl will be The One if I can feel like I can grow old with her without her driving me crazy in the process.
Q: Why do you think girls always get into messy situations with the guys they choose to hook up with?
A: There's a quote I really like, "We get the love we think we deserve" and I think that's true. We actually subconsciously are attracted to people that are like us and I've done this where I've gone after someone who had attachment issues because I did too. You need to examine if you love yourself first before you can even think about adding another person into your life.
My advice would be to actually listen to your own emotions, take some time away from dating, and really just do you. I used to look for happiness from outside things like alcohol or random one night stands, but I realized happiness has to come from within.
Q: Why dating apps? Are guys unable to go out and just find some one night stand that way? What is it about Tinder/Bumble that makes everyone glorify hookup culture?
A: It's the same reason as to why we watch Netflix or go on Instagram instead of actually going to the movies/actually interacting with people. There's an ease of access and options with dating apps. It also skips that whole process of trying to hit on a girl at a bar and buying her a drink when you don't even know if she's down to hookup later. On dating apps, you both know why you're online and why you're swiping — to hook up.
At the end of the day, it's really all marketing because sex sells. For men, your masculinity is based on your body count. For women, it's 2019 so if you wanna get laid, you do you to feel wanted/empowered. Hookup culture has really become corporate.
Q: Is is true that guys don't feel anything at all after hooking up? Whereas girls might feel some type of emotional connection or a tendency to catch feelings?
A: I think guys in general get less attached than girls after sex. Women are just more emotional than men too. It's not that we're heartless jerks, but maybe it's the idea that guys might smash just because they're in the mood? Girls tend to want sex after they developed some type of relationship with a guy. But there were definitely times when I did feel some type of connection for some girls I were with.
Q: So is sex just sex and even if it's bad, it's still worth having it? Do guys chronologically rank their hookups from best to worst?
A: For me, there's three categories: bad sex, get the job done, and think about it when I jerk off.
Q: How can you tell if a guy you hooked up with really likes you?
A: My rule of thumb is that actions speak louder than words. Does he text back fast? Does he want to spend time with you and will he accommodate for you? Is he always on time? Is he early? I mean, it's simple. If a guy likes you, his actions will show it. We're not acting dumb, and no we don't necessarily always miss your notifications.
Q: What would you say is one trait your find attractive in girls that just about guarantees a hookup at the end of the night?
A: When she takes charge because we're always so tired of being "the man." We want to feel wanted and confidence is always hot.
Q: Is there any way a girl can successfully get out of the FWB zone and become a guy's girlfriend?
A: I would say to talk to him honestly and openly. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Try to build an actual relationship/friendship with him outside of just sex so that you get to know him better.
And this is key: if he's not down, move on. Easy said then done but if he doesn't want a relationship, you should respect that because he's being as equally honest/open with you. Trust me, you can't change the way he's going to feel about you so you might as well just stop hooking up with him instead of getting more hurt.