I tried the whole "swiping right" phenomenon. I sat down and (thought) I connected with a stranger whose awful pickup lines I chuckled at. I went through the anxious emotions and insecurities of meeting them for the first time. I felt sad when they didn't schedule a second date. Even if they tried, I would second-guess their intentions and believe they were asking me out of pity.

I repeated this cycle multiple times and felt worse every time I added a new dating experience to my list.

While driving home after one of my most recent dates, confusion and questions flew through my mind. Thinking "did it go well?" "was I funny enough?" and "did he like me?"

I never considered my own thoughts and feelings. I let the image he had of me overpower my own opinions and red flags I had towards him. I felt self-conscious most of the time. Worrying if my complexion was too red or if I was sitting up straight enough. Half of the time I didn't take in what he was talking about because I wanted to "sit still and look pretty." Not worrying about what he was like as a person but trying to fix all of my "flaws."

But how dare anyone ask themselves, "Am I good enough?"

This was the shifting point of the perspective I had of where I was/currently am in life. If I don't think I'm good enough for myself or someone I barely know, then how am I meant to feel comfortable in a relationship?

How is someone else going to accept all of me if I can't even come to terms with all of my "flaws"?

I felt anxious the days and weeks following the date. Constantly wondering why he wasn't replying or contacting me at least every couple of days. I was continuously on my toes and stressed out, over someone I barely knew!

Why did I care so much if he wanted me? Or if I was someone he desired? Why was I thinking I wasn't "worth" a second date?

Why didn't I ask myself "is he worthy of another one?"

On my most recent date, I was the only participant in the "question game." Let me make this very clear if we are on a date and I ask you what your favorite pizza topping is, it shouldn't be so hard to get the same question in return. We were ordering pizza for goodness sake. I felt exhausted and emotionally drained after keeping a conversation afloat, even though I knew 10 minutes into the night I knew I didn't want a second date (or to go back to his apartment).

I realized the only reason I was looking for a partner was due to craving the experience of a healthy relationship. My only one was toxic and continues to make me anxious when reflecting back on it. He participated in harmful activities like not responding for weeks, leaving me in the dark, and even ignoring me when I passed him in the hallway. I now understand that this part of my life still cuts deep and affects the way I act to this very day.

We need to start asking ourselves why would we want a second date with a toxic partner who ignores our beautiful personalities or plays the "phone tag" game? Why do we want to see someone again who purposefully waits hours or even days to send one-word responses back?

And why the hell do we want to see someone again who half-asses everything we put our best into?

Maybe we have been trained to see this as normal and believe the anxious feeling and "the chase" are inevitable.

Enough is enough.

You need to realize "love" shouldn't be on your table if you don't fully feel you are worthy of finding it or are ready to settle for less than you deserve. If you think the insecurities you have will disappear once you find your "other half," think again my love.

If you are still asking yourself "am I worthy of a second date?" right after saying goodbye to your first date, now is not the time to search for love. Center your thoughts and emotions around why YOU want this and when YOU will be ready for something spectacular.

No more feeling self-conscious around a stranger.

No more wishing for a perfect presentation of yourself.

No more thoughts of "am I good enough?"