I Used Seeking Arrangement To Make Fast Money And Got Sexually Assaulted

I Used Seeking Arrangement To Make Fast Money And Got Sexually Assaulted

Did he just pay to sexually assault me? Yes. Yes, he did.
Candice
Candice
9860
views

On a rainy night in May of 2016, a friend sent me a very ominous text message. She said she was going to Asheville to meet someone. She sounded frightened and sent, “I love you.” I flipped, but I knew there was nothing I could do to change her mind. I asked her to text me that she was safe. Three hours later, I got a message from her asking if she could come to my house, and she explained what happened.

She told me that she had joined a dating site called seekingarrangement.com It was a “sugar daddy” dating site where people made mutual arrangements. I was extremely confused, but I kept listening.

She told me that she met a man in Asheville who was very sweet, very fat and probably in extreme need of therapy. She said that he took her out to dinner, took her to his place, began crying about his terrible life and gave her $500 as he asked her to leave.

“I thought I was going to have to have sex with him, Candice, but oh my God. You have to try this site. You need it!” She exclaimed. She knew all too well of my financial struggles and for a minute I really thought about it.

I asked, “Isn’t that kind of like a dating site for prostitutes?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

The day after that, I joined up. I received messages from men who wanted sex for money, I received messages from men who wanted to pamper me with trips to various beaches. I even heard from a guy who offered $200 to smoke a joint—that one I thought about but I thought better of it and ultimately deactivated the account (it’s impossible to fully delete).

For about two weeks, I deactivated and reactivated the account, fueled by the idea of receiving a good amount of cash, which I desperately needed.

Two months went by and I realized that I had not kept a steady job all summer. I committed to a $600/month apartment and had no idea how to pay for it. These were desperate times…

The next time around, I called myself “MarcyElena”—“Marcy,” after a character from the musical "Dogfight," which my school had recently performed. Marcy worked as a prostitute and sang a kickass song about the horridness of men and their need to get their dicks wet. With lines such as “Boys are the same and they’ve all got a game—so full of shit, their eyes turn brown,” and “If I’m getting screwed, I’m at least getting paid,” how could I resist? The pseudonym, “Elena” came from Elena Gilbert from “The Vampire Diaries,” or as most haters know her as—golden vagina. It was perfect.

If only they could understand my sardonic sense of humor.

The day I reactivated the account, a man named Chris messaged me. He asked if I wanted to see him sometime and even though he didn’t have a profile picture and called himself “middleageddaddy,” I was feeling especially desperate that day and I said yes. I began texting with him, all without knowing how he looked or who he was.

He finally sent me a photo and damn, was that a nice looking 45-year-old. I got lucky.

I told him I live about 30 miles from where I actually live, but it turns out he lived in my town. He asked if we could go on a date that night. I was about to heave when I agreed. I didn’t think I would start this so soon, but I needed money, and I thought, "Hey, why not?" A friend of mine got $500 for a date with no sex. Let’s see what happens. That weekend was already a fairly manic weekend for me due to lack of meds, and I said, “Screw it.”

On the car ride, I was beginning to dissociate. I held myself together with cigarettes and spoke to the universe: “Fine. If you want patriarchy, here it is. I am your object. This is exactly what you wanted,” justifying to myself what I was doing even though as a feminist and a rational human being, I knew better. As a woman with bipolar disorder who desperately needed money and also desperately wanted a drink, I had to do what I had to do, or so I told myself.

When I got downtown, he asked for me to text him immediately as I parked. I found it a bit off-putting but I was still naive to how deeply men believe they should control everything. I parked near the police station, far from the restaurant. I passed a younger man who seemed to smirk and check me out. My paranoia hit and I figured he knew exactly what I was doing, but I brushed it off with another anti-feminist justification and kept walking. I was only halfway down the street when the man from the pictures waved at me. I smiled and waved back, hoping I looked excited enough for it to be believable that I truly desired to go out with him.

The date went fairly well. I was a bit nervous about the bartenders hearing our conversation and seeing me with an older man, but before the end of the night, both of us made jokes with the bartenders and I relaxed. I thought to myself, “Some women do this because they want to, and who is anyone to judge that?”

As Marcy says, “Own it. And don’t back down.”

When we walked outside for a cigarette, he made fun of my ordering a Corona as a first drink—“a basic white girl drink,” he called it.

“Yes, yes it is. I like to play it safe at first," I replied. I found aspects of my personality coming out when I didn’t intend for them to. It worried me a little, I didn’t want to get stuck in a game with a mindfreak, because hey man, you never know.

“Oh, well,” I thought. “At least he doesn’t know my real name.”

As the night went on, we talked about politics, and he cut me off multiple times during the conversation with a look on his face that seemed as if he was trying to teach me a lesson. Many times, he didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I was allowed to speak when he felt it polite to move the conversation to me.

He made comments such as “Liberals are so emotional. When people don’t have facts, they get emotional.” I tried to mention a study I read about how liberals and conservatives react to the world differently. He said, “I will definitely look up that study,” not with a smile on his face but with a look in his eye that said, “I will prove you wrong.”

After we left, he walked me to my car in “true gentleman fashion.” He asked me what I wanted out of this, reiterating that he wasn’t made of money, but questioning the fairness of a sexual relationship without financial benefits for the female. I told him that I would like to take my time, and though his facial expression spoke differently, his words were kind and understanding. “So this may take a while,” he asked.

“No kidding,” I thought to myself. I already refused to go to your house even though “your dog was upset that he didn’t meet me.” Who thinks that’s funny anyway?

I said good night with a kiss on the cheek, and left.

The next day, he wouldn’t stop texting me even when I said that I was working. “Quiet compared to yesterday,” he texted for the fifth time that evening. Later, he said, “I think you may be changing your mind.”

“I will if you don’t chill” was my response, and his message back was “point taken.”

I never texted him again.

“You learn to bite,” said Marcy. And I did learn to bite—very quickly.

Monday night, I received a message from an older man in Greenville. His profile stated that he was quite wealthy. We chatted for a bit and he asked me out to Carolina Ale House for Wednesday of that week. I agreed, and we began texting back and forth. From the way he responded to my messages it seems that he wanted a sensual relationship, but maybe not a sexual one, which I was way more comfortable with anyway, and also wasn’t illegal. Professional cuddlers are a thing, right? So I decided to see if it would be a success.

The night of the date, I panicked. I didn’t go to work. I went over to a friend’s house to daydrink instead. I had a horrible feeling and wanted to back out, block his number and deactivate the account again.

Even though everything in me was telling me to run, I went on the second date anyway. “Don’t be a little bitch,” I told myself. “You never do anything remotely dangerous. Now’s your time.”

I sat on the bench in front of Carolina Ale House for about 10 minutes, waiting. My legs were shaking not out of excitement, but fear. I wanted to smoke a cigarette while I was waiting but I didn’t want to seem too “un-ladylike." I tried to remind myself that I was playing a character here. I’m an actress, right? I can do this.

When he walked up, he was smoking a cigarette and he sat on the bench beside me. He apologized for his bad habit and so I pulled out my pack, too. We chuckled and everything seemed fine. Once we were inside, I dropped the “ladylike” pretenses and ordered a beer. We got to talking and I learned that he had two jobs—one of which was merely to get out of his house, that he previously worked for a strip club, and would “pop his children on the mouth” when he got too angry.

He explained that he would eventually talk with his children and that an understanding would be reached, but what I understood is that he was an abusive, cheating partner because, oh, by the way, he was married.

All of his talk about not wanting a sexual relationship was a lie. When we went outside for a cigarette again, he kissed me. I felt extremely uncomfortable but tried to keep my cool, and when the date was over, he did it again, only harder. He used tongue and asked, “What’s wrong?” without waiting for my answer and continued. Once I finally broke free and got into my car, he discretely sat $60 on my lap. As I drove away, I realized that I had never felt like this before.

Did he just pay to sexually assault me?

Yes. Yes, he did.

I was dying a little inside every second I drove. I finally reached a gas station and bought a Dr. Pepper and a stronger pack of cigarettes to try and get the awful taste of him out of my mouth. I spat multiple times on the way in and out of the station. When I got home I couldn’t sleep because of the awful memories.

Once it was finally 8:00 a.m., I drove to Sally Beauty Supply, bought bleach, hair dye and toner, because even though I had dyed my hair dark red a few days before, I panicked. I never wanted him to recognize me again. It felt disgusting to have that money so I spent it as quickly as I could.

The entire day, there was a look of disgust on my face that I couldn’t control. I blamed myself for getting into this situation. It wasn’t until that evening after I had blocked his number that I texted him and told him how badly he had violated my boundaries. We hadn’t reached any sort of agreement and he also didn’t seem to care that I was new at this. He talked so much about getting to know someone before anything sexual happened and went against his word in the span of an hour. I had never told anyone off like that before, and I finally felt better and little more safe. I’m just hoping I never see him again and that his wife figures out what he’s doing—very, very quickly.

My third date was canceled after the second. He was a very sweet man and very understanding after I told him how violated I felt the previous night, but he didn’t stop trying to text me and I wondered when nice men would start to understand that “no means no.”

Before even going on the second date, I was messaged by a man who told me that I looked “easily trainable” and that a woman should know her place is to make a man happy. “I will treat you like a princess in the streets, a whore in the sheets and spoil you afterward.” I was completely disgusted but intrigued by his candor, and still feeling desperate, I messaged him back, but of course, after that second date, I deactivated the account. Sorry, buddy. No threesome for you.

Before that experience, I wondered how easily I could easily slip into a submissive role. After all, it was beaten into my head that the man is the head of the household and that a woman should do anything she has to do please her man, including being raped every now and then, though of course they weren’t put into those words. I remember asking my mother “Did you ever not want to?” and she said “Oh yeah, but sometimes you’ve gotta do things to keep your man.” If that’s not the saddest thing I’ve ever heard about sex, I’m not sure what is.

After the second date, I realized that I could never let myself do anything like that. How could I have not felt violated and traumatized? I am demisexual, which is on the asexual side of the spectrum. I rarely find myself sexually attracted to anyone at all. What the hell was I thinking?

Oh yeah, that I needed money.

I only went on two dates from seekingarrangement.com, but the experience has taught me a lifetime's worth of lessons. It taught me that there was a part of me that didn’t care for my own safety. Something inside me craved danger for myself. A bipolar disorder mixed with the desperate need for money is a very dangerous mix.

It was certainly flattering being called cute and beautiful by various men. I think there was also something inside me that needed to feel that way. As a female, my entire life I have been given both conscious and subconscious messages that I need to be desirable to be the best type of person I can be, but after these experiences, I can say with complete confidence, “Forget gender roles. Forget men who think they can own me. And forget being silent." I’m tempted to release all of their usernames but, as per usual, I like to play it safe.

As I listen to the song that titled, "Dogfight," I hear my present and past self, battling it out. “And they only pay when a load is blown, so you sit and stay till you get your bone” is felt in my bones, but Rose’s “and you don’t need some worthless dime," is what I feel in my heart.

“Cause we’re all getting [expletive], so we better get paid,” was a line that seemed so empowering and tough. Now it feels incredibly weak.

I learned how easily women can be subjected to violence, and how some men believe throwing money at someone allows them to do whatever they choose. It’s an abusive world out there, and you can be damn sure that I will never subject myself to that type of abuse again.

Since then, I have found a well-paying position that will keep me housed as I finish college, and you can also be damn sure I will never take honest work for granted again.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash
Candice
Candice

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

How to Explore Your Sexuality Safely and Without Strings Attached

Is it bi-curiousity or is it something more?

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When you're young and in college, you're searching for ways to express and discover yourself—and often do so through other people. You might have even had some thoughts or fantasies that led you to believe that you might be LGBTQ+. While you're in the perfect setting for sexual exploration, you should take the opportunity to be curious and let yourself dabble in some same-sex shenanigans.

It's easier said than done, though, because not everyone is quite so sure where they should start. If you find yourself unsure of how to experiment with your sexuality in college, try to keep these in mind:

1. Stock up on necessary protection

No matter who you're hooking up with, protection will never be any less important. Consider using a female condom or a dental dam if you're hooking up with a girl. If you're getting with a guy, always use a condom and even think about bringing lubricant with you in case you have penetrative anal sex.

On that note, it's a common misconception that men who have sex with men are inherently dirty and diseased. Their sexual practices can be really risky, though (like anyone's), if they don't use condoms or aren't careful about how they have anal sex. You're also mistaken if you think that sex between two women doesn't carry any STD risks. While you are less likely to contract chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV through lesbian sex, women are still capable of transmitting nasty infections like HPV, herpes, and pubic lice. So regardless of what's in your partner's pants, it's critical that you're guarding yourself against STDs and other unwanted surprises.

SEE ALSO: 8 Excuses To Use To Get Out Of Wearing A Condom

2. Educate yourself on same-sex relationships and sexuality in general

How can you expect to explore your sexuality if you hardly have a grasp on how same-sex relationships work? Like with any other unfamiliar topics, do some research before you dive into a world you barely know. You can even ask your LGBTQ+ friends for some information and they'll happily give you some pointers about same-sex love and even the sex itself. If you'd rather keep your questions to yourself, simple Google searches like "what is it like to kiss a girl/boy" and "how do gay men/lesbians have sex" will suffice.

3. Be honest with yourself about what YOU want

What are you looking to take away from your same-sex experience? Are you looking for a little bit of drunken fun with one of your gal pals? Are you genuinely questioning your sexual orientation and want to put your feelings to the test? Whatever your reason is for sexual exploration, remember that you are always in control of how you act upon the thoughts you've been having. Whether or not you choose to experiment is solely your decision and no one has the authority to pressure you one way or the other. You need to be honest with yourself about your intentions before you can even consider moving forward.

4. Visit your campus's LGBTQ+ center for some advice

Almost every college and university has an on-campus LGBTQ+ center that's fully equipped to answer any questions you may have on the subjects of gender and sexuality. The staff members are likely LGBTQ+ individuals themselves, so they can offer you personal words of wisdom on how to gently go about questioning and experimenting. And who knows, you might even meet someone there who's willing to help you along, if you catch my drift…

5. Be picky about who you choose to experiment with

Life isn't exactly like a John Green novel. You probably won't find the perfect hookup as soon as you go looking for them. Go with your gut and don't be afraid to hold your potential hookup to your dating standards. You might not want to go out with them, per se, but if you're planning on being physically intimate with them, it's in your best interest to find someone you can trust to be kind and understanding of your situation. Whether your ideal partner is someone you bumped into at a party or your best friend, ensure that they respect your boundaries and are open to being your "guinea pig."

6. Tread carefully if you're thinking about hooking up with a friend

A friend might seem like the best option for a no-strings-attached hookup, but complicating the emotional relationship you already have with physical intimacy might spell out disaster in the future. Even though you know and trust this person with the connection you already have, you're moving on to completely unchartered territory when you decide to make out or have sex with them. Unrequited crushes and awkwardness may very well ensue when you least expected them to. There's no telling how either of you will react to the encounter after it's over, so you have to be prepared for the worst.

If you're that certain that your friendship will be unharmed, though, then by all means, go for it.

7. Always go into a hookup with a clear, (mostly) sober mind

It's okay and perfectly understandable if you need some liquid courage to jumpstart your self-exploration. At first glance, experimenting with your sexuality can seem like a daunting task, so approaching it in a buzzed state might be a good way to keep yourself moving. However, with drinking to calm your nerves, moderation is key. It's important that you're not so drunk that you become vulnerable to unwanted advances from the people around you. Being too drunk to control yourself is never the answer to any problem, no matter how intimidating it seems. If you plan on drinking to psych yourself up for a same-sex hookup, make sure you limit your intake and surround yourself with trusted friends who can keep an eye on you.

Also, it's best that you don't use same-sex exploration as a coping mechanism for a bad breakup. Don't save the decision to hook up with a random person for the heat of the moment. Make sure you've given the idea plenty of thought and that you don't use your emotions as an excuse to act out sexually.

8. Be honest with your partner about your intentions

Before you set someone up as your homosexual "test drive," make sure that they are fully aware of what's happening and why it's happening. Your partner deserves to know that your connection is strictly physical and that it was initiated in your quest to explore your sexuality. Clarifying the nature of your relationship from the start prevents either of you from reading too far into your interactions, sparing you both from hurt feelings later on.

Also, keep in mind that not every LGBTQ+ individual is open to bi-curious hookups. Your desired partner might be looking for a relationship with somebody who is more sure of their identity, and that's okay! There will definitely be another person down the road who's willing to guide you through your experimenting. Finding the ideal partner may take some time, but the search will be well worth it when you finally meet someone who satisfies all of your expectations.

9. Pace yourself and only go further if you're 100% comfortable

Regardless of your and your partner's sexuality or gender, consent is ALWAYS mandatory. BOTH of you must be consenting to what's happening at all times with the utmost enthusiasm for it to be a consensual encounter. As you explore your sexuality, know that you can revoke your consent at ANY TIME without having to make any excuses. Should you lose interest or start to feel anxious, you have every right to stop and remove yourself from the situation. Just because your partner is also a girl or is also a guy doesn't mean they are entitled to your body any more than a partner of the opposite sex is.

Don't feel ashamed for giving up on a same-sex hookup because you got too self-conscious or even felt afraid. You can experiment in small doses and go as slowly as you need to so you can maximize your comfort.

10. Don't be afraid to admit that experimenting isn't for you

So you kissed a girl and you didn't like it. Or you got with another guy and didn't feel any sort of spark when he touched you. It's okay for you to acknowledge that your same-sex encounter didn't ignite a major transformation in how you see yourself. It could have been that you didn't vibe with your partner or that you just don't vibe with the same sex altogether. Only you can determine why it didn't work for you. Don't assume that you MUST be heterosexual if your hookup didn't leave you feeling any different. Likewise, don't assume you must be gay if your hookup DID affect you physically and emotionally.

11. Don't let anyone label you— not even yourself

Labels do not determine your self-worth, nor do they get to dictate how you "should" behave and feel. Just because you had a homosexual encounter doesn't mean you're automatically gay, lesbian, bisexual, or anything else. Sometimes, a kiss is just a kiss, sex is just sex, and a crush is just fleeting and not deserving of a full-on identity crisis. You can apply a label to yourself if you feel it fits, but don't force yourself into a rigid mindset that doesn't work for you. Only use a specific label if you are 100% comfortable with what it entails. And if you're still confused about who you are, give yourself time to sort it out. In terms of your sexual orientation (and gender identity, for that matter), when you know, you know.

12. Let your feelings go wherever they're meant to

So what you anticipated to be a one-night stand seems to evolved over time into a romantic crush that you can't stop thinking about. Your first instinct might be to panic because "this wasn't supposed to happen," but honestly, how can you be so sure of that? If you are meant to develop feelings for someone of the same sex, then so be it! Clearly you are attracted to this person in more ways than one and clearly they have the potential to make you happier, so why not go for it? You deserve endless love and adventures with your special person, whomever they turn out to be. Let your heart guide you in the right direction and it will all work out in the way it's destined to.

Whether you're gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or whatever else, you are every bit as valid as anyone else and you are entitled to love and happiness however you come by it. Experimenting may be a defining experience for you or it might not turn up any revelations at all, and it's okay either way. At least you know you put yourself out there and were brave enough to challenge conventional society and explore your sexuality.

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Take This Quiz To Discover What Your Sexual New Year's Resolutions Should Be Based On Your Personality

Let's actively nurture our sexuality in 2019

Dr King
Dr King
5253
views

Everytime late December and early January approach us, it's inevitable that we'll hear some sort of discussion about resolutions in preparation for the new year. Often you'll hear people talk about how they want to start going to the gym again, developing better study skills, or quitting a bad habit. While all of these things are wonderful, I don't want us to forget about the importance of affirmations within our sex lives as well.

I know what you're thinking right now as you read this. You're probably thinking one of two things. Either (1) you don't care about making any sexual resolutions as long as you're not having bad sex or (2) your sexual resolutions may be too ambitious. Well due to the fact that only 8% of people successfully fulfill their New Year's resolutions, I don't blame you for thinking it's unobtainable. However, maybe you should try a different angle.

Make sure your sexual New Year's resolutions that are tailored toward your personality. Based on psychological research conducted by Paul Costa and Robert R. Mcrae, there are ultimately five primary personality traits that can be used in order to sum up people on a general basis. The five factors are openness to experience, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. If you're wondering which trait broadly describes your personality the most then take this quiz! The results will also show you what New Year's resolutions you should make for your sex life in 2019 based on your personality so that your sexual needs will match up with your personal needs as well.

Dr King
Dr King

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