If I said that physical appearance wasn't important to me when it came to dating, I'd be lying. I hate to admit it to myself because I know judging people off of their looks is shallow, but at this current point in my life, it's something that is important to me. Is it number one? Not at all, but this story of mine is strong proof that if a guy doesn't fit the "look" I'm searching for in a future boyfriend, I'm not interested.
I met this specific guy early on in my sophomore year—while Yik Yak was all the rage. I met him through a post on there, which is such an embarrassing thing to even think about, but that's who I was at that stage in my life. We met up one weekend and hung out, and things were pretty decent. I spent nearly the entire Saturday with him and we hit it off really well. We texted back and forth constantly and hung out quite a bit. We kept in touch over the summer, and when my junior year picked up, we continued our friendship.
This is when I really noticed that this guy would do ANYTHING for me. Whenever I wanted late-night McDonald's, he'd pick me up, even if he wasn't going to eat anything himself. He gave me rides to my best friend's house 30 minutes away and would pick me up the next morning, without even asking for a penny in gas money. He listened to every single story I had to tell, even if they were about other guys. This guy had the purest of intentions for me, but yet I couldn't see myself with him because he didn't fit the "look" I was searching for.
Things finally ended between this guy and I towards the end of my junior year. One day, I got a text from him, but instead of it being him it was a girl he was friends with. She texted me telling me that he really liked me, but just didn't know how to tell me and that he wanted to take me out on a date sometime. I said no, and blamed it on the fact that it was nearing the end of the year and I was busy. While that was partially true, that wasn't the complete reason why I turned him down.
I said no because I didn't find him physically attractive.
This guy had proven to me, more than any other guy I've ever spoken to, that he was interested in me as a person, not just as an object. He wanted to invest in me and give back to me. When you're surrounded by guys who message you "DTF?" four times a day and ghost you after you hook up, it can be such a dream to find a guy who is actually interested in you as a person. And I said no because I couldn't see myself dating someone just a couple of inches taller than me who wore track pants to the bar, even though I swore up and down looks weren't important to me.
I was a walking contradiction for the longest time, and now it's time I come clean with myself.
I deserve the heartbreak I've received since things fell off with this guy. I deserve to struggle a bit when it comes to finding my person. I was shallow. I had everything I've ever wanted right in front of me, interested in me, and I let it go for childish reasons. Letting him go has been the wakeup call I never knew I needed—just because someone doesn't fit a certain "look" doesn't mean I shouldn't give them a chance.
Now I get to walk around cluelessly looking for love, hoping that I didn't just let my soulmate go. I get to watch him walk into my favorite bar on Saturday nights with a girl who doesn't mind what I couldn't look past. And it really, truly hurts me like no other when I meet another guy and he won't do half the things this guy was willing to do for me. I could've had it all. I could've been living out my fairytale if only I didn't let his appearance get to me so much.
They say love is blind, and maybe they're right. Maybe I shouldn't be caring so much about what my eyes see and focusing more on the person they are below that outer layer. Maybe then I won't be hurting anymore.