9 Signs The Person You Married Doesn’t Actually Know The Real You

9 Signs The Person You Married Doesn’t Actually Know The Real You

How can someone love you if they don't really know you?

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If there's a worse feeling than being misunderstood, it's got to be the feeling of being misunderstood by your partner. Part of the reason we seek out partners in the first place is that we want someone to know us, inside and out, and still love us.

Feeling like your partner 'gets' you is a really big deal. But in order to get you, they have to know you. And believe it or not, lots of us actually marry people who don't know us that well. Sometimes it's not their fault; some of us keep people at arm's length, never letting them get close enough to know us. We don't even let our spouses in. Others of us don't know ourselves well enough for anyone else to know us, either.

Are you married to someone who doesn't really know you? If any of these signs sound familiar, you might be…

1. He doesn't ask about your day

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Sure, it feels nice when your partner texts you throughout the day to check in. But if he's always texting to tell you what's going on with him, rather than asking how your day is going, it's a sign that not only does he not care how you're doing, he doesn't even know what to ask. Your SO should be tuned in to what's happening with you, curious about your day, and genuinely want to know what's up with you. It's the little details of our lives that make up the big picture – so if he's not asking how your commute was, what you had for lunch, or whether you finished that big project on time, he's not going to really know you.

2. He doesn't like hanging out with your friends

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Maybe he told you to go to your BFF's birthday party without him because he's not into karaoke and would rather stay home and watch Netflix. Or maybe he'll allow himself to be dragged to a night out with your besties, but he rolls his eyes the whole time and wants to leave early. If, when given the choice, he'd always rather go out with his friends than yours, it's a sign that he doesn't appreciate the real you.

3. He has no clue when you're truly down

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We all have little signifiers to tell the people who care about us that we're feeling blue. You don't have to be camped out on the sofa in your grotty old sweatpants, crying and mainlining wine, for someone who truly knows you to see that you're down. A person who loves you will be able to tell you're upset by a glance, or just by the way you answer the phone. If he doesn't catch on to your cues, he doesn't know you.

4. You always wear makeup around him

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No joke – I went to college with a girl who confessed to me the night before her wedding that her husband-to-be had never seen her without foundation and mascara. I was gobsmacked. How can you marry someone who doesn't know what your naked face looks like? Sure, we all have our things we're self-conscious about, whether it's acne scars or the eyebrows we plucked down to nothing in the 90s, that never grew back – but if your partner hasn't seen you barefaced, you're not letting him really know you.

5. He gives you bad gifts

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Okay, it's the thought that counts. But every Christmas, birthday, Valentine's Day, and anniversary, it's the same thing – jewelry you'd never wear, a dress in a print that's not at all your style, kitchen supplies when you hate cooking. Somehow, he has a knack for finding something that's so completely not you, you're not sure what he could have been thinking. You've gotten to be an expert at faking a smile and swallowing your disappointment.

6. You've never yelled at him

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It's not that I recommend shouting at the person you love above all others and have promised to share your life with. But if you've never let yourself lose your temper and holler at your partner, it's a sign that you're not really comfortable around him. You're putting on an act, keeping yourself buttoned up, and not allowing yourself to be the real you. Because we all have tempers. Show me a person who never yells, and I'll show you a person who's simmering with rage on the inside.

7. You don't have deep conversations

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A friend once asked me if I thought it was normal that he and his girlfriend didn't really have conversations. He explained that they had great sex, and he really liked her, and they got along just fine, but that they never really talked. Most nights, he said, he watched television while she knitted beside him on the sofa. While this sounds quiet and comfortable, it's not a foundation for a relationship. Sex is important, of course, but you need to talk to each other, too. And you shouldn't just have everyday conversations, either. You should be having deep conversations about everything under the sun – your past, your future, politics, feelings. Everything.

8. He doesn't remember your stories

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If you've had all those deep conversations, but he doesn't seem to recall them, you've got a problem. Part of falling in love with people is hearing all their stories. (That's also the terrible thing about breaking up with someone and starting over, by the way – you've got to tell all your stories again. Ugh.) If he didn't really listen, or he did but he forgot them, how can he really know you?

9. You feel lonely

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They say loneliness is the human condition. And really, there's nothing wrong with feeling lonely sometimes. We all do. But if you're consistently lonely in your marriage, and actually more lonely when you're with your partner than when you're alone, it's a sign that something is wrong. Being with someone who doesn't know you – especially when it's someone who's supposed to know you better than anyone else in the world, and love you the most – is a terrible feeling.


This story originally appeared on SHE'SAID', a global women's lifestyle website, and was written by Elizabeth Laura Nelson.

Elizabeth lives in Brooklyn with two daughters, occasional mice and innumerable to-do lists. She runs a nine-minute mile, bakes a mean chocolate chip cookie, and can always be persuaded to sing at a karaoke bar.

Follow SHE'SAID' on Twitter and Facebook and check out these related stories:

The Lie I Tell My Husband Every Day
The Trust Game: How I Changed For My Partner
Yes, You Can Fix A Sexless Marriage. Here's How.

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7 Essential Details To Remember When Planning YOUR Wedding

Because after all, it is YOUR damn day.

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Recently I've been really struggling to figure out what to do for my wedding. This isn't because I don't know what I want, but because deciding anything ultimately effects someone. I decide I want to do it this year but this year doesn't work for Denise, so I could do it the year after, but Susie Q is going back to school and that conflicts with her schedule.

I could do a small, simple wedding, but my Grandma always wanted me to get married in a Church. Oh, what about a destination wedding? Well, that would work for a lot of people, but not Tiffany-she can't afford it…Becky has other obligations the only week my favorite resort is open in my dream year of getting married. Maybe a courthouse wedding? Yeah, I could do that…but my dad always dreamed of walking me down the aisle.

You see ladies-I'm freaking exhausted.

I'm exhausted trying to plan the wedding that EVERYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF wants me to have. I'm tired of having to justify why I want something to someone else. I'm tired of having to reason with people. I'm tired of feeling bad for not accommodating others.

I'm just mentally and physically exhausted planning my own wedding-something I really wanted to enjoy.

In times of frustration, I've scribbled down a few reminders to mutter to myself when things get a little chaotic. It's important in some way or another-we embed these thoughts into our minds because honestly? We deserve to be reminded, even if it's us doing the reminding.

1. THIS IS YOUR DAMN DAY!

It's weird we even have to tell ourselves this right? I mean we are the ones shelling out thousands, spending late nights planning centerpieces, and trying to find the perfect photographer. Sadly, yes, we have to remind ourselves because of a lot of people that know you close to you or not-will try to make it about them. ---It's your day. It's your day. It's your day.

2. Not everyone is going to be pleased with your decisions.

I'm a people pleaser. I thoroughly enjoy searching for ways to make everyone happy because I get insane anxiety from thinking anyone is mad at me. ESPECIALLY when it's someone I deeply care for. However, there is no way I'm able to get approval from everyone I really love. No matter what I decide, someone won't be able to make it, another won't like the dress, and someone else may be furious you're serving meat when they're vegetarian. YOU CAN NOT WIN, so stop trying to win for other people. Just win for yourself.

3. Whoever makes it about them is selfish.

It sounds harsh, I know, but ask yourself this one question: "Would you ever make THEIR day about you?" The answer is probably no. Me personally, no matter who it was my brother, best friend, or cousin-I would not make their day about me. Even if I hated the dress she chose, even if she picked a date that I couldn't make, even if my brother ran off to elope…It's their damn day-not mine. I would never make it about me because *drum roll *: it's not about me. If you're constantly double checking and worrying about people being upset by something YOU decided for YOUR wedding on YOUR day, then those people are shitty because they have made it about them, and that's extremely selfish.

4. The people who love you will be supportive with whatever you decide.

My fiance and I have decided on a destination wedding. There are a lot of reasons why, and ultimately it just ended up working the best for us. With deciding this-we knew a lot of people:

A.) Wouldn't be able to make it

B.) Wouldn't be able to afford it

C.) Wouldn't want to travel outside of the country

D.) Have other obligations that prevent them from attending

Never ONCE did we get angry or upset with anyone who straight up said-"Hey I know I won't be able to swing this." We get it, and it was just a risk we were willing to take. However, some people were still mad about our decision-even though it wasn't their decision to make. However, there are so many people that have been nothing but supportive, and that love and support have been something I'll never forget. For as many people that make it difficult for you, you'll have another handful who will make it a day to remember. There's always some silver lining in the mix at some point.

5. You DO NOT owe anyone an explanation or justification.

-Why have I felt the need to justify to friends, family, and my own bridal party WHY I'm deciding on something for my wedding? The last time I checked it was my wedding, right? Listen because this is super important: You don't need to justify anything you want for your wedding to anyone that isn't your fiance. You want it at a certain location-not anyone else's decision. Do you want to have it in the middle of the winter? Not anyone else's decision. Do you want to have the bridal party wearing cowboy boots with their dresses? NOT THEIR FREAKING DECISION. Stop feeling bad and explaining yourself for something YOU WANT TO HAPPEN on YOUR DAY! If you remember anything from this article-remember that.

6.  Life happens

Life is always unpredictable. There will be things that arise during your planning that you didn't anticipate. Though it's easier said than done, try not to let it alter your day or attitude. Some people you love won't be able to make it, your dream venue may be booked up the year you desperately want to get married in, a bridesmaid may drop out, and a caterer might screw up a dish. This shit happens, but your guests won't care one way or the other. As long as you don't let this ruin your wedding experience overall-everything will be okay…That's something I can promise.

7. All that matters at the end of the day is that you're married to the person you want to spend your life with

In all of the chaos that has already arisen (still pretty far away from my wedding) I have been telling myself from the beginning that at the end of the day I only really care about being the wife to the guy I love. Every time someone says something to hurt me tries to talk me out of something I feel passionate about doing or informs me of something intentionally meant to stress me out-I breathe, tell myself I'll marry a guy that I love, and move on with my business. I'm not saying it never gets to me, but the thought of spending my life with my fiance excites me more than these people's negative thoughts stress me out. At the end of all of this, you won't look back at your wedding and think of all the things you didn't like because you'll be too busy gleaming over the fact it happened. You're lucky enough to find someone you WANT to spend your life with, and seriously not everyone is lucky enough to say that. Though it's challenging, try to remember people are selfish, and not everyone has your best interest at heart. However, there are ALWAYS people that'll go above and beyond to make you focus on yourself, and I'm lucky to have some of those people apart of my special day. So when it gets stressful and yes it will get stressful…remember that you've got this. It's your day, and you can do whatever the hell you want with it.

Sincerely,

The Bride-To-Be

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To My Future Fiance, If You’re Proposing To Me For The Instagram Content, Have Fun Posting A Video Of Me Saying ‘No’

Whoever you are, take notes for future reference.

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OK, OK, he can propose to me in public, but if it's a grand event that has nothing to do with my character, then 100% I'm saying, "No, try again."

I hope that one day someone special has my heart and wants to spend the rest of their life with me. But I want them to really know who I am. Inside and out and all around. I'm not a showy person, I'm not into social media, and I don't want a 20-carat ring. There's nothing wrong with any of those things, but it's never been for me. It's just not me.

I'm never going to do anything because someone else or the general society thinks or says I should do it. I like to defy society and do what's best for me. Even if I do something that is acceptable by society's standards, I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me. I always say, "If someone wants to get to know me then they shouldn't judge what they see, read, or hear, they should just say, 'Hi,' and we can go from there." I don't post something for others to see, I post it for myself. Because it makes me feel good. Because I impulsively want to.

So, I want my fiancé's initial feeling of complete and absolute love to be blurted out to me ASAP. You don't have to keep your passions hidden while you plan a huge fiasco with balloons and confetti and "Will you marry me?" clouds in the sky. I don't need that for you to tell me you love me.

My dream proposal would be us cooking and taste tasting dinner, dancing, and singing to our favorite song when you just pause to look at me and ask, "You wanna get married?"

Of course, I'd question if you're being serious or not, but if we've already discussed the future and our hearts are in the right place, I'd melt in your arms.

You're not proposing to me to show off our love to your Facebook friends. You're proposing to me because you want nothing else but me. If you want to plan something special afterward, go ahead. Thoughtful surprises make me feel so special, but make sure that it's planned for me.

My long-distance boyfriend recently surprised me with a visit by calling my parents to figure out just how to leave me open-mouthed. I realized how much I appreciated the planning and arrangement. No one has ever done that for me before and I won't lie, I loved it. I wouldn't mind a fun proposal. I would be eternally grateful for the thought behind it, but I want the initial question to be intimate, personal, and tailored for me.

At the end of the day, sure, the proposal can be out and about in public, but I want the focus to be us. Not just me or you, but our relationship and our future. I don't care if other people don't think you love me enough because the proposal wasn't a showstopper. I know how you feel about me and that's all that matters.

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