The Story Of How You Fell In Love, And Then Out Of It

The Story Of How You Fell In Love, And Then Out Of It

Sometimes people grow apart, and thats okay.
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Picture this: you're 18, you just finished moving into your freshman dorm, you said goodbye to your parents, cried a little, and now you're at your very first floor meeting.

You see someone who lives down the hall from you, and they reminds you of someone, or something. For a moment you think, "are they staring at me?", to which your roommate confirms, "I think they're staring at you."

Long stares and casual smiles are exchanged in passing for awhile, until you get the nerve to talk to them. Theres something about them you cant put your finger on, which makes you more interested. "Just don't fall in love with me", how cliche to say to someone you just met. You had no idea that they would turn your world upside-down. When they left their shoes in your room because they wanted a reason to come back. Opening the door to bring them back to them, they was standing there and they placed their hands on your cheeks and kissed you in the doorway- you knew that this person was someone you had been looking for.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and everything in the world seemed to be dull compared to how you felt around this person. They were everything you thought you needed. People would comment on how happy you two were, how you were made for each other. You could be goofy and playful. Looking at them, you couldn't help but smile and be happy. You looked at them and felt everything all at once. There was not a doubt in your mind that you were exactly where you were supposed to be. College seemed to be easier with them. You ate every meal together, did homework together, spent long nights talking, spent the night together once in awhile. Your roommates would complain about how much time they spent in your room, so you would have to alternate which rooms you stayed in. They brought you home for thanksgiving and you we're so excited to meet their family. You spent holidays together, and spoiled the hell out of each other.

Semesters came and went and soon is was the summer after your first year of college, where you would count the days until you could see them again. You cried a lot when you weren't together, but when you were it was perfect. You told each other that you loved one another. Everything was beautiful. You didn't have a care in the world, because you had each other.

Somewhere around your first anniversary, things started to get a little tough. Classes we're getting harder, the stress of trying to find a job and becoming more involved on campus were setting in. You still looked at them the same though. You would bicker about stupid things, but laugh it off and still be crazy about each other. Your relationship had moved passed the beginning stages, and you talked about the future. Getting married and having kids were things that you wanted to share together some day. The two of you created a whole life together in your thoughts; it was blissful, and you looked forward to it. Another holiday season came and went, and you were still happier than ever. You got into your first real fight, which made you realize that its possible to lose them- which scared you.

At some point, the bickering detached itself from play; you could no longer laugh at yourselves and forget about whatever it was you were arguing about. You began to take things a lot more personal, and you found yourself hurt by some of the things they said. Most of the time though, things we're good. Most of the time. Still, you saw a future together. Different involvement started to take up a lot of your free time, and you stopped eating every meal together. There was no time to go out on dates, or at least you stopped making time. You fell into this routine, and it bugged you a bit. It began to feel like at some point, the two of you lost your spark- but that was normal in all relationships. The "honeymoon" phase was over, but you were okay with that. For awhile it all just seemed really normal.

Summer came around, and you both went home. You got a job working late hours, and they got one working early ones. You could never find time to talk to each other, and at some point- you stopped looking for time. You spent the days thinking of everything but them, which made you feel guilty. Breaking the routine was refreshing though, and you took advantage of that. You enjoyed the time spent apart, but you did miss them. You began to start thinking of your future. You researched different careers and things that interested you, but you felt like every time you shared these with them, they didn't support you because they didn't fit into the "plan" you two had made together. You started to place your ambitions on the back burner, because they didn't fit that plan.

It was normal though, relationships are about compromise, right?

At the start of your third year of undergrad, every question was running through your mind. "What am I going to do with my life? Am I on the right path? Where do I see myself in 5, 10 years?" So many things you did not have the answer to, and neither did they. Coming back to school after what seemed like forever apart was hard. You get into your own routine of not being with that person, so coming back together was an adjustment. Fighting got to the worse it had ever been, and they began to say things that made you question a lot. They didn't make you feel special anymore. They didn't make you feel beautiful anymore. You didn't look at them the same, and that killed you. When they would touch you, you would cringe. There was a moment when you were getting ready for an event, and you sat in front of your mirror doing your makeup. A line in a song you were listening to triggered some type of emotion, and you began to cry. You looked at yourself, and in that moment you realized you we're not in love with this person anymore. It broke you. Looking back, you realized that you hadn't loved them the same as you once did for a long time.

When you first tried to explain it to them, they didn't understand. They fought so hard for you, which always brought you back in. Every time you would begin to suggest a break, they would fall apart in your arms. You started to compromise your own happiness for theirs and they picked up on that. Even when they started do things that made you feel awful, you still didn't want to hurt them. Part of you wanted things to just go back to how they were in the beginning, but you knew the they couldn't. Then one fight happened, where they told you something that made you feel like you would never be good enough for anything. That broke you. Little by little, everything they said to you made you want to scream. They annoyed you, and you didn't care anymore. For some reason though, even when they called you out for not caring, you tried to fight for them; it would have been so easy to walk away then.

Holiday season came around again, something that you had enjoyed with them for the past few years. It had never felt better to be alone. You made a decision that will live with you forever, but it made you realize how unhappy you had been for a long while. For months you had been convincing yourself that you needed to be with them to be happy, but really you we're just scared to be without them. Being alone terrified you, you had forgotten who you were before them. You were lost, but we're too afraid to find yourself again. It broke your heart to tell them that you needed a break, but it was one of the most freeing feelings. Falling out of love is one of the most painful things anyone can experience. You don't even realize that its happening until its already happened.

Breaking up was harder on them than you, which made you feel guilty. They always loved you more than you loved them, though. After the break up, you cried for an entire day. You sat on your best friends couch and listened to sad music while she cleaned her apartment around you. The next day, and the days to follow, you had never felt more free to be yourself. You spent the rest of your time at home with people you loved and cared about.

You have the entire world at your finger tips again. Endless opportunities, with nothing bounding you to anything, or anyone. You have a year and a half left of undergraduate, and then you are off to experience life's next adventure. You fell in love, and then out of it. Thats not your fault, and its not theirs either.

Looking back on it now, you realize that the biggest factor was the two of you growing together, and then apart. Both of you were so young an eager to experience things like you were adults who had it all figured out. You had no idea what you were doing, which was the fun of it at first. The hardest part for you through it all was the feeling of losing a life together that you never had. The blissful images of a future that were conjured in your brain crumbled to the ground, and you felt like you lost something you never even had. But thats okay, because now you have room to dream of another future.

You learned not to settle, even if you think is what is written in your cards. As you sit here, reading this not-so love story, and you're thinking about how hard it was to stop loving them, remember that you are not required to love anyone but yourself.

Its always okay to put yourself first.



Cover Image Credit: Felix Russell-Saw

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

As Much As You May Want To, You'll Never Get Over Your First Love

You never forget your first

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Your first love is just that: the first person you've ever truly loved (besides your family and friends). Maybe you've kissed a few people before, but with this person it's different. They mean something to you that no other person ever has before. Maybe you met this person when you were younger in high school or met them a little later in life as I did at the end of my first year of college. Meeting my first love transformed me, both for the good and the bad, and as much as I may want to, I'll never get over my first love and neither will you.

When we met, we didn't meet in some fantastical way, we met on Tinder right after a surprise breakup of mine. We had instant chemistry, and I didn't get to kiss him for weeks because I ended up getting mono right after the breakup (haha whoops). He was the first person I've ever kissed who I didn't want to stop kissing- ever. Yes, second semester freshman year me was super extra when it came to him, but being with him was so different than anyone else. Things progressed through the summer as we talked every single day, even though we never got to meet up because we were both busy, and at the beginning of my sophomore year, I lost my virginity to him. That was a big step for someone who thought she'd wait until she was married. He made sure I was fine and didn't push me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'll treasure that forever.

He was someone I loved with all of my being, to the point where it was physically hurting me in the end because I knew what I felt wasn't going to ever be reciprocated the way I wanted it to be. That's when I had to end it, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To me, he was a boyfriend, but to him, I was a friend with benefits. I wanted something more and he wanted less, and I didn't want to accept that. I wasn't his first love but he was mine, which he doesn't know and probably never will. I have had moments where I thought I was over him, but then all the emotions flood right back. In hard moments of hurt is when I miss him the most, but also in moments of joy too. If I see a nice car I think of him, or of other little things, like a french bulldog or The Fast and The Furious.

Your first love leaves such a monumental effect on you as a person. They have seen parts of you others have not. You will always remember your firsts more than anything else, which is why your first love never leaves you. As roughly as things ended between he and I, he's always going to have a piece of me that no one else will ever have. The relationship we had wasn't what you'd expect from someone you call your first love, but his mark on me is what helped shape me into who I am today for better or for worse.

Don't let any negativity remain when it comes to your first love (if there is any). Let it go and remember the good. They will be a part of you forever, so you can never truly get over you.

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Why You Keep Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Love You Back In Your 20s

It's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

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Can love truly be both beautiful and heartbreaking?

It's a question I silently asked myself, sitting shotgun in a car next to someone I considered my friend.

A "friend" seemed to be the right label to define our relationship. To him, I was just a friend—who just happened to be a girl, a girl he texts regularly, jokes around, and can grab a drink with. And we loved each other as friends, because we both trusted each other, we had fun together and each had our own independent lives which would connect occasionally in a complete, non-questionable platonic way.

But slowly, for me, he was becoming everything I've ever wanted in a guy, standing right in front of me. But he wasn't mine to have.

And imagine being so close to someone you want except you can't have him because it might just ruin everything you've already shared together. Because what if you scare him away? What if he replies by telling you "No"?

That's the simple nature of falling in love with someone you can't be with.

In our early part of our lives—particularly in our 20s and during our college years, we all experience this type of heartbreak.

To name a few: A high school boyfriend who lives halfway across the country now. The hot guy you sit next to in lecture who already has a girlfriend. The casual hookup who you just can't manage to stop thinking about as you endlessly toss and turn at night. The platonic friend who doesn't quite see you as being something more.

We all at one point in our thoughts have imagined "coupling" or sharing a life with a guy who we can't seem to have for ourselves. We've always dreamt how things could actually work out if you actually shared your feelings with him except the closest we'll ever reach to it is in our dreams, not reality.

And to examine the logic behind why this happens, we have to first admit how we always want what we can't have.

Because it's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

So, it's not really this case of the whole Romeo and Juliet "star-crossed lovers" BS but rather, it's purely a one sided love which can most definitely be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Beautiful because there's always a connection you feel which makes you all warm and bubbly inside but heartbreaking because you know this connection is merely flowing in a one way track.

So then, why do we tend to maintain our connections with these people who hurt us?

One reason is because you're afraid to lose him altogether. Perhaps you think he's going to go on full freak-out mode after you spill the beans to him. My piece of advice in this scenario would be to just suck it up and take the chance. Talk to him about how you feel because honestly, what's there to lose? Unless you're not reciting some sappy, over-the-top love story about how many kids you plan to have with him, you're fine.

But perhaps, the most common reason is because we assume he might eventually fall in love with us, too.

And if this pertains to you, gear up because I can write on for days about why this is a big no-no. Heck, I can probably teach a class or lecture to all of you about my elaborative theory of why you will definitely know whether a boy truly loves you or not. It's plain and simple—if he loves you, he'll make sure you know.

And you can't force someone to fall in love with you. Even if you pay them a million bucks, you can get them to pretend to love you or force them to be with you—but it's never going to be true love. Because true, unrequited love is effortless. It comes naturally. The fiery passion will be shared mutually and you won't ever have to question whether or not you belong with him.

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