To The One That I Love, But Can Never Be With

To The One That I Love, But Can Never Be With

I would say goodbye, but we both know I would be lying.
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I have dreamed about finding my one true love since I was a little girl. I was destined to be a hopeless romantic the moment I was born to my parents with a storybook-like marriage. But, you taught me that love is nothing like it is in the fairytales I used to read or the Disney songs I used to belt out in the car with my Mom.

When it's beautiful, it isn't white horses and sparkling crowns. It's conversations that keep you up until sunrise and kissing with messy hair and sleepy eyes.

When it's tragic, it isn't a fire-breathing-dragon threatening your castle. It's that spark you once had burning out, it's "I don't know if I love you anymore," it's silence.

I knew I loved you when you made me feel like that little girl again. That little girl that was unapologetically herself: silly, sassy and a little too weird for most people to handle. That little girl didn't think twice about saying what was on her mind or doing what she wanted to do because she had no doubt that she was awesome and capable of anything. Life happened, I grew up, I had heartbreak and I lost sight of that for a long time. Then I met you. I didn't have to think about how to act around you, filter what I said, worry about your judgment. I knew you loved me. You told me I could do anything and I could see in your eyes that you meant it. We just clicked. It was natural. It was easy.

With you, when it was beautiful, it was even more beautiful than anything I had ever read or daydreamed. We laughed about everything. I can still feel the belly aches I would get after giggling for an hour with you. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I can still feel your hand in my hair and your breath on my neck. We had a spark, hell, we had a fire between us that was even undeniable to those around us. Before we knew it, we were engulfed by the flames and inevitably burned.

That fire we had burned even in the bad times. Every negative feeling was crippling. Every mistake, every mean word, every cold shoulder felt like a blow to the stomach. The passion we had was a double-edged sword that ended fatally.

With you, it was beautiful, but it was tragic too. Just as quickly as we lit the match, it was snuffed out by our own personal tragedies. We met when we were each at our worst. We both had our demons and they just didn't play well together. Maybe if we met at an earlier time, before we were damaged humans, we would have been fine. Or, maybe if we met later after we learned to overcome our setbacks, we would be ready. Maybe that's just me listening to that naive little girl I used to be.

They always say that love conquers all. Maybe love conquers most, but I can tell you that it sure as hell doesn't conquer bad timing. Nothing does.

Moving on feels impossible. Everyone else tastes bland in comparison to you. How can they not, when every time we kissed, you would burn my tongue? I pray that I find someone who can make me feel as high as you did, but never as low. I need a love that I can breathe without. I need a love that I don't have to withdraw from every time I walk away. I pray that you find the same with someone else, too.

I will always think of you. I will always pray for you. I will always wish you the best. I will always have that fire for you, but I just can't burn for you anymore.




Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

To The Guy Who Ghosted Me, You Broke Me Into Nothing By Saying Nothing, But Now I'm Bouncing Back

You betrayed me in a way I expected from any other guy but you

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I thought I hit the jackpot. I thought it would take me quite some time to find someone to replace the guy I lost, who I didn't want to lose. I thought no one would come close to him, but that's when I met you. You made me forget about the pain of the past with your comforting words. You were so real, you have gone through your own sets of trials, been through hell and back in many aspects of life, and you were there to talk to me and feed me warm, happy maple syrup feelings I didn't think I'd feel again so soon.

You drip honey, so sticky on the inside but so innocent on the outside, upon first glance.

I gave in to you in every sense. I opened up, I told you things I don't like telling people, especially a random guy I'd just met. You're the kind of guy a girl can look at and say, "Wow, this is going to suck when you leave." You weren't supposed to leave.

I was the girl who wasn't a psycho like your exes, but you couldn't handle something too real, too tame. Your thrill for psychotic bitches is your downfall. I was going to ask you about where we stood and prove doubters wrong. You were the boy I wanted to bring home in a few months time, to meet my family, to meet all of my friends, but you never gave me the chance. You left me to plans that you knew would never happen. You betrayed me in a way I expected from any other guy but you and ripped out a part of me I don't think I'll ever get back.

I trusted you to a fault because I'm someone who always looks for the benefit of the doubt in a situation. I cut you slack, I gave you chances to tell me the truth. You owed me the truth and all I got was you watching my stories on Snapchat, an answer without words. You bought me flowers and candy for Valentine's Day and made me pasta twice because you knew I loved it. You let me meet your dog. How dare you do things for me to treat me like something so disposable? Did I ever even matter? I felt something so real, a cosmic connection, and you broke it with ease. You broke me into nothing by saying nothing, but now I'm bouncing back.

I may not be making any leaps or bounds at the moment, but I'm going to get back out there. It's unfortunate that you defiled the trust I had, but I'm not going to let that stop me from opening up to anyone else. It's just going to be a rougher road to walk on since you've taken the smooth exterior away. It took me days before I could really cry over you. I cried hot tears of true pain, that burned my face when they fell. That being said, those tears have stopped now. I prayed over getting you back, asking those watching over me to reverse what's written for me, to give me you again, to have you give me an answer.

You're not supposed to be with me. I'm not supposed to be with you. You're another step closer to who I'm supposed to be with. Maybe it's you, just down the line when you get it together, but I certainly am not holding my breath for you or anyone else who hurts me ever again.

You ghosted me, and now you're a part of the list of boys who have done the same thing. Your ghosting stung a lot and left me more vulnerable than usual. But I'm not letting you and your lack of respect for me prevent me from moving on. I won't see you around, except on Snapchat, watching my stories while I watch yours. I'm writing this for me as I heal and look forward to the day ambulance sirens and the sound of saying your name in conversations stops hurting me.

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Hey Little Sis, Heartbreaks Are Rough, But I Promise You That It's Going To Be OK

I've been there — we've all been there — and it sucks, but it's not the end of the world, I promise.

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Dear Little Sister,

I know this sucks. Heartbreak is hard. Your first relationship lasted much longer than mine did, so I can only imagine how much more it hurts right now. I get it. But, you aren't alone in what you're feeling. So, here is my best advice for you.

Your feelings are completely valid

It does not matter if you broke up with him, or if you're still young, or anything anyone else wants to say. Your feelings are valid because they are what you are feeling. No one has the right to tell you what to feel—you have a right to feel your feelings fully.

Keep your chin up

You are a complete person all on your own—you don't need no man! You are great the way you are, and strong enough to get through it all.

Stay positive

This relationship didn't work out? That's OK! You're that much closer to finding the one that will. Mom's right—this just teaches you more of what you do or don't want in a relationship.

Don't jump into another relationship right away

I know you're used to having someone there, and the company and support are great. But don't let someone you care about become a rebound. If they really care about you, they'll wait until you're sure of yourself again. You deserve time to yourself.

You're going to learn who your real friends are—lean on them.

If your friends feel the need to pick sides over your relationship ending, they probably weren't really your friends to start with. Your friend circle is going to shrink a little, but that's OK. It's best to know who is there for you now. And while you're leaning on your friends, don't forget you can lean on your family. I know when you're 15 it can be hard to relate to your parents, but I promise you they care about you.

If you want to chill with Ben & Jerry for a while, that's cool

Puns completely intended. But, go ahead and eat the ice cream (there's no reason not to). You deserve it.

Do not forget your worth

You are beautiful and smart and kind. You deserve the best. Live your best life, my dear.

I know I don't have all the answers, but I hope this helps. I am always here for you.

I love you,

Your big sister

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