I am a second choice for him. The opposite of a priority. The opposite of important. I am well aware of this and yet I still stand by him. I go out of my way to spend time with him. I cancel plans for him. I make myself completely miserable for. I do whatever he asks without question and it is because of this that I have lost myself. I live in a world ruled by his schedule and his wants and even though I am dying inside I still do this to myself. But I think the absolute worst part is that I can't even be mad at him. I genuinely have no one to blame but myself. He has told me repeatedly that he sees no future with me, that his family doesn't like me so it will never work, that I'm annoying, and so on. He could not be more clear about his intentions with me. That is why this is my fault. I am one hundred percent the reason why I am a second choice and that is because I allow myself to be. My love for him far outweighs any semblance of self respect I had or may have.

More than anything, I don't understand how things got this bad. I really don't. Things were great at first. I was happy. I thought he was happy. I thought his family liked me. I thought that we were really going to be together. But I was wrong. As usual. Somehow I ended up being that girl I always said I would never be. The kind of girl I used to incessantly make fun of and mock. How did I become this person? I honestly couldn't tell you, Right now, the only thing that I am absolutely sure of is that I am giving this guy far more than I am receiving and it eats me alive every single day. But I;m okay with that. At least for now.