I Watched The Boys I Hooked Up With Fall In Love With Other Girls And Wondered Why They Couldn't Love Me

I Watched The Boys I Hooked Up With Fall In Love With Other Girls And Wondered Why They Couldn't Love Me

Maybe I cared too much or I'm just not pretty enough. I guess I'll never know.

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When I was 20, I stopped going on dates because my first relationship was so toxic, it broke me. To save myself from future disappointment and minimize the chances of getting attached to any one person, I joined hookup culture.

For two years, I watched my friends with benefits fall in love with other girls. And I wondered why none of them ever loved me.

When I chose this lifestyle, I wasn't seeking a relationship—clearly. I wasn't completely closed off to the idea, despite my lingering heartache, but it wasn't something I initially desired. That also meant I didn't anticipate any of my FWBs wanting relationships either, much less falling in love. (Since when do f*ckboys try to tie themselves down?) Regardless, I envied the girls who singlehandedly convinced each of them to abandon a lifestyle they previously so desired, while wondering what it was about me that couldn't entice them to do the same.

To be quite honest, all of these relationships exceeded my expectations in their beginnings. Over time, I watched these boys truly love and fall in love with their girls. But alas, nothing is perfect and everyone is toxic in their own way. These relationships, like so many others, had their highs and almost equally as many lows, which only continued to make me wonder what about these girls was so worth the emotional scarring. It broke my heart that they found respite in someone and something so lackluster.

Unfortunately, I understood. I still do. We're hosts to an undying vice that acknowledges the necessity of escape, but simultaneously convinces us there isn't the possibility of one. I understood this so deeply, and the familiarity of their situations only wrung my heart.

Despite caring for a couple of these boys more than I cared for the others, I was never in love with any of them. Perhaps that's one of the reasons they couldn't love me. Regardless, it means my intent was never to replace any of the girls. It was simply to understand what it was about them and their somewhat f*cked up relationships that outshone me. Curiosity really did kill the cat.

Don't be mistaken—I have loved, and I've also been loved before. So it's not that I think I'm unworthy. But as I continued to learn more about these far-from-perfect relationships, I wanted answers. I was, and sometimes still am, suspended in turmoil, harboring a genuine curiosity for where these boys found fault in me and why they couldn't look past those flaws.

Today's nature would lead me to believe I just wasn't pretty enough for them. Or maybe I tried too hard or cared too much. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter because in some way, shape, or form, I just wasn't enough for any of those boys. And that's fine. Truly. You can't win 'em all, but after all the time we invested in each other, I just wanted to know why I wasn't any of their first choices.

Despite it all, whether or not their relationships at the time are still currently active, I'm at ease knowing they are capable of love. It's silly, but considering their undying habits, it's true. And I hope that one day, they find girls who will encourage them to leave those habits behind for good.

I never needed any of my friends with benefits to love me. I simply wanted to know why, after everything we'd been through, they didn't.

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

As Much As You May Want To, You'll Never Get Over Your First Love

You never forget your first

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Your first love is just that: the first person you've ever truly loved (besides your family and friends). Maybe you've kissed a few people before, but with this person it's different. They mean something to you that no other person ever has before. Maybe you met this person when you were younger in high school or met them a little later in life as I did at the end of my first year of college. Meeting my first love transformed me, both for the good and the bad, and as much as I may want to, I'll never get over my first love and neither will you.

When we met, we didn't meet in some fantastical way, we met on Tinder right after a surprise breakup of mine. We had instant chemistry, and I didn't get to kiss him for weeks because I ended up getting mono right after the breakup (haha whoops). He was the first person I've ever kissed who I didn't want to stop kissing- ever. Yes, second semester freshman year me was super extra when it came to him, but being with him was so different than anyone else. Things progressed through the summer as we talked every single day, even though we never got to meet up because we were both busy, and at the beginning of my sophomore year, I lost my virginity to him. That was a big step for someone who thought she'd wait until she was married. He made sure I was fine and didn't push me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'll treasure that forever.

He was someone I loved with all of my being, to the point where it was physically hurting me in the end because I knew what I felt wasn't going to ever be reciprocated the way I wanted it to be. That's when I had to end it, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To me, he was a boyfriend, but to him, I was a friend with benefits. I wanted something more and he wanted less, and I didn't want to accept that. I wasn't his first love but he was mine, which he doesn't know and probably never will. I have had moments where I thought I was over him, but then all the emotions flood right back. In hard moments of hurt is when I miss him the most, but also in moments of joy too. If I see a nice car I think of him, or of other little things, like a french bulldog or The Fast and The Furious.

Your first love leaves such a monumental effect on you as a person. They have seen parts of you others have not. You will always remember your firsts more than anything else, which is why your first love never leaves you. As roughly as things ended between he and I, he's always going to have a piece of me that no one else will ever have. The relationship we had wasn't what you'd expect from someone you call your first love, but his mark on me is what helped shape me into who I am today for better or for worse.

Don't let any negativity remain when it comes to your first love (if there is any). Let it go and remember the good. They will be a part of you forever, so you can never truly get over you.

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Why You Keep Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Love You Back In Your 20s

It's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

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Can love truly be both beautiful and heartbreaking?

It's a question I silently asked myself, sitting shotgun in a car next to someone I considered my friend.

A "friend" seemed to be the right label to define our relationship. To him, I was just a friend—who just happened to be a girl, a girl he texts regularly, jokes around, and can grab a drink with. And we loved each other as friends, because we both trusted each other, we had fun together and each had our own independent lives which would connect occasionally in a complete, non-questionable platonic way.

But slowly, for me, he was becoming everything I've ever wanted in a guy, standing right in front of me. But he wasn't mine to have.

And imagine being so close to someone you want except you can't have him because it might just ruin everything you've already shared together. Because what if you scare him away? What if he replies by telling you "No"?

That's the simple nature of falling in love with someone you can't be with.

In our early part of our lives—particularly in our 20s and during our college years, we all experience this type of heartbreak.

To name a few: A high school boyfriend who lives halfway across the country now. The hot guy you sit next to in lecture who already has a girlfriend. The casual hookup who you just can't manage to stop thinking about as you endlessly toss and turn at night. The platonic friend who doesn't quite see you as being something more.

We all at one point in our thoughts have imagined "coupling" or sharing a life with a guy who we can't seem to have for ourselves. We've always dreamt how things could actually work out if you actually shared your feelings with him except the closest we'll ever reach to it is in our dreams, not reality.

And to examine the logic behind why this happens, we have to first admit how we always want what we can't have.

Because it's embedded in our human psychology to always desire deeper connections and meaningful relationships with the people we hold close to our heart, even if the feeling aren't necessarily mutual.

So, it's not really this case of the whole Romeo and Juliet "star-crossed lovers" BS but rather, it's purely a one sided love which can most definitely be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Beautiful because there's always a connection you feel which makes you all warm and bubbly inside but heartbreaking because you know this connection is merely flowing in a one way track.

So then, why do we tend to maintain our connections with these people who hurt us?

One reason is because you're afraid to lose him altogether. Perhaps you think he's going to go on full freak-out mode after you spill the beans to him. My piece of advice in this scenario would be to just suck it up and take the chance. Talk to him about how you feel because honestly, what's there to lose? Unless you're not reciting some sappy, over-the-top love story about how many kids you plan to have with him, you're fine.

But perhaps, the most common reason is because we assume he might eventually fall in love with us, too.

And if this pertains to you, gear up because I can write on for days about why this is a big no-no. Heck, I can probably teach a class or lecture to all of you about my elaborative theory of why you will definitely know whether a boy truly loves you or not. It's plain and simple—if he loves you, he'll make sure you know.

And you can't force someone to fall in love with you. Even if you pay them a million bucks, you can get them to pretend to love you or force them to be with you—but it's never going to be true love. Because true, unrequited love is effortless. It comes naturally. The fiery passion will be shared mutually and you won't ever have to question whether or not you belong with him.

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