I Watched The Boys I Hooked Up With Fall In Love With Other Girls And Wondered Why They Couldn't Love Me

I Watched The Boys I Hooked Up With Fall In Love With Other Girls And Wondered Why They Couldn't Love Me

Maybe I cared too much or I'm just not pretty enough. I guess I'll never know.

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When I was 20, I stopped going on dates because my first relationship was so toxic, it broke me. To save myself from future disappointment and minimize the chances of getting attached to any one person, I joined hookup culture.

For two years, I watched my friends with benefits fall in love with other girls. And I wondered why none of them ever loved me.

When I chose this lifestyle, I wasn't seeking a relationship—clearly. I wasn't completely closed off to the idea, despite my lingering heartache, but it wasn't something I initially desired. That also meant I didn't anticipate any of my FWBs wanting relationships either, much less falling in love. (Since when do f*ckboys try to tie themselves down?) Regardless, I envied the girls who singlehandedly convinced each of them to abandon a lifestyle they previously so desired, while wondering what it was about me that couldn't entice them to do the same.

To be quite honest, all of these relationships exceeded my expectations in their beginnings. Over time, I watched these boys truly love and fall in love with their girls. But alas, nothing is perfect and everyone is toxic in their own way. These relationships, like so many others, had their highs and almost equally as many lows, which only continued to make me wonder what about these girls was so worth the emotional scarring. It broke my heart that they found respite in someone and something so lackluster.

Unfortunately, I understood. I still do. We're hosts to an undying vice that acknowledges the necessity of escape, but simultaneously convinces us there isn't the possibility of one. I understood this so deeply, and the familiarity of their situations only wrung my heart.

Despite caring for a couple of these boys more than I cared for the others, I was never in love with any of them. Perhaps that's one of the reasons they couldn't love me. Regardless, it means my intent was never to replace any of the girls. It was simply to understand what it was about them and their somewhat f*cked up relationships that outshone me. Curiosity really did kill the cat.

Don't be mistaken—I have loved, and I've also been loved before. So it's not that I think I'm unworthy. But as I continued to learn more about these far-from-perfect relationships, I wanted answers. I was, and sometimes still am, suspended in turmoil, harboring a genuine curiosity for where these boys found fault in me and why they couldn't look past those flaws.

Today's nature would lead me to believe I just wasn't pretty enough for them. Or maybe I tried too hard or cared too much. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter because in some way, shape, or form, I just wasn't enough for any of those boys. And that's fine. Truly. You can't win 'em all, but after all the time we invested in each other, I just wanted to know why I wasn't any of their first choices.

Despite it all, whether or not their relationships at the time are still currently active, I'm at ease knowing they are capable of love. It's silly, but considering their undying habits, it's true. And I hope that one day, they find girls who will encourage them to leave those habits behind for good.

I never needed any of my friends with benefits to love me. I simply wanted to know why, after everything we'd been through, they didn't.

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

20 Feelings You Probably Still Have When You See Your Ex

It's never really over.

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Getting over an ex and moving on is HARD. We all felt at least one of these feelings:

1. You changed me 

2. You hurt me 

3. I still care, always will. 

4. I hate myself for caring still 

5. I still think of you 

6. I hate myself for thinking of you 

7. I know you are happier without me, and that hurts. 

8. I still feel like you are the one 

9. I want you back in my life

10. I don't want you back, I just miss the memories, I'm hurt. 

11. I wish you knew how I still cry over you 

12. You broke my heart and you don't even care 

13. I wonder if you even think of me

14. I will never find love because of you 

15. I feel damaged 

16. I don't want to fall in love anymore 

17. I would rather feel nothing 

18. I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears every time I see you

19. I want to be happy again, let me free, please. 

20. I deserve better, but you could of just been..BETTER. 

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10 Guys Admit The Moment They Realized Their Relationship Was Doomed

If you know, you know.

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It's not breaking news that you can just tell when your relationship is going downhill. Whether it's a mood change, a lack of wanting to be around each other, or a blatant fight, the signs are everywhere.

I sent out a survey asking guys to confess when they realized their relationship was bound to fail. Not necessarily a time stamp in the relationship duration where they realized this, but a realization that was prompted by something happening.

This is what they had to say.

1. The little things

"When she stopped smiling in our pictures."

2. Pretty obvious

"When she told me she wanted to break up with me."

3. Friends come first

"She made every excuse under the sun for not being able to be around when my friends were around and refused to meet my family, even after we'd been a thing for almost six months. Whenever I finally asked her about it, she changed the subject and adamantly refused to talk about it. So, I told her if she didn't want to meet my family yet, that was one thing. But if I had to choose between her or my friends, my friends win every time. So, we broke up."

4. Might want a restraining order

"When she broke into my home and I was woken up to her crying and yelling at me."

5. Red flags

"Talking to my partner started to fill me with dread and anxiety, texting was always just a series of miscommunications and fights and we only ever got along in person. There were so many flags that we were incompatible that I ignored throughout the relationship that all coalesced into a massive weight on my chest. Complaining to a close friend and hearing their advice was what finally tipped me off that waiting for things to change was going to get me absolutely nowhere, so I finally broke it off."

6. Communication is key

"Lack of respectful communication."

7. Hindsight is 20/20

"When she stopped texting me very often. The signs were there before but I was oblivious. 20/20 hindsight I guess."

8. Feeling's mutual

"My last relationship only ended because of long distance problems, and because I had to move. It was a mutual agreement."

9. Not enough time

"Neither of us had enough time for the other."

10. Not the right fit

"Our personalities really clashed. She kept participating in activities I wasn't really happy about and we fought about it a lot. We used to get along and be able to have a good time, but something happened I guess. She became a different person."

Responses have been edited for length or clarity.

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