I Watched The Boys I Hooked Up With Fall In Love With Other Girls And Wondered Why They Couldn't Love Me

I Watched The Boys I Hooked Up With Fall In Love With Other Girls And Wondered Why They Couldn't Love Me

Maybe I cared too much or I'm just not pretty enough. I guess I'll never know.

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When I was 20, I stopped going on dates because my first relationship was so toxic, it broke me. To save myself from future disappointment and minimize the chances of getting attached to any one person, I joined hookup culture.

For two years, I watched my friends with benefits fall in love with other girls. And I wondered why none of them ever loved me.

When I chose this lifestyle, I wasn't seeking a relationship—clearly. I wasn't completely closed off to the idea, despite my lingering heartache, but it wasn't something I initially desired. That also meant I didn't anticipate any of my FWBs wanting relationships either, much less falling in love. (Since when do f*ckboys try to tie themselves down?) Regardless, I envied the girls who singlehandedly convinced each of them to abandon a lifestyle they previously so desired, while wondering what it was about me that couldn't entice them to do the same.

To be quite honest, all of these relationships exceeded my expectations in their beginnings. Over time, I watched these boys truly love and fall in love with their girls. But alas, nothing is perfect and everyone is toxic in their own way. These relationships, like so many others, had their highs and almost equally as many lows, which only continued to make me wonder what about these girls was so worth the emotional scarring. It broke my heart that they found respite in someone and something so lackluster.

Unfortunately, I understood. I still do. We're hosts to an undying vice that acknowledges the necessity of escape, but simultaneously convinces us there isn't the possibility of one. I understood this so deeply, and the familiarity of their situations only wrung my heart.

Despite caring for a couple of these boys more than I cared for the others, I was never in love with any of them. Perhaps that's one of the reasons they couldn't love me. Regardless, it means my intent was never to replace any of the girls. It was simply to understand what it was about them and their somewhat f*cked up relationships that outshone me. Curiosity really did kill the cat.

Don't be mistaken—I have loved, and I've also been loved before. So it's not that I think I'm unworthy. But as I continued to learn more about these far-from-perfect relationships, I wanted answers. I was, and sometimes still am, suspended in turmoil, harboring a genuine curiosity for where these boys found fault in me and why they couldn't look past those flaws.

Today's nature would lead me to believe I just wasn't pretty enough for them. Or maybe I tried too hard or cared too much. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter because in some way, shape, or form, I just wasn't enough for any of those boys. And that's fine. Truly. You can't win 'em all, but after all the time we invested in each other, I just wanted to know why I wasn't any of their first choices.

Despite it all, whether or not their relationships at the time are still currently active, I'm at ease knowing they are capable of love. It's silly, but considering their undying habits, it's true. And I hope that one day, they find girls who will encourage them to leave those habits behind for good.

I never needed any of my friends with benefits to love me. I simply wanted to know why, after everything we'd been through, they didn't.

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

Once You Become My Ex, Please Know I Never Want Another Text From You Again

Block my number. I've already blocked yours.

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Growing up, it was always super important to me to end a relationship on good terms, at least as best as I could. I was friends with pretty much all of my exes, whether we talked frequently or not. It just made things easier in a small town with one high school.

I had it all wrong, though.

The truth is, I don't want to be your friend if we break up. Hell, I don't even want you to text me. There's no reason for it.

Be up in arms all you want at the "pettiness" or "drama" of this if that's what you want to do, I don't really care either way. Each relationship I've experienced in my lifetime has a specific place in my past, but that's exactly where they'll stay: my past. Every ex has their own designated chapter in a closed book.

When you end on terms that are even remotely OK, it's easy to stay checked in into each other's lives, whether that's texting or following them on social media. Something reminds you of them and you both text and reminisce about it, you congratulate them on a Facebook post, you watch their Snapchat and Instagram stories.

I don't care if you think we ended on good terms or not, don't check up on me. Don't tell me you hope I'm doing well. Don't try to contact me at all, frankly.

We're not friends. We were a couple, but now we're not. Any form of a relationship between the two of us ceased to exist the moment we ended our relationship. I'm not in high school anymore, I'm not still in that small town. I don't need to be your friend and keep up appearances to ensure the friend group still feels like nothing's really changed or to make everyone feel comfortable when we're both around.

So who are we kidding? There's just no reason for you to interact with me in any capacity. I don't need to be checked up on. I don't need you to text me for any reason, ever. Trust me, I'm doing just fine.

To all of my exes, you've held a significant place in my life, sure.

But your friendship isn't crucial to my happiness anymore.

I learned how to be just fine without you, so it's time for you to do the same.

I don't need the pleasantries, so just forget them. It's fine and all that maybe they matter to you, but they don't to me. I can promise you that I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to know how you've been, I don't want to know what you've been up to.

I've moved on. I don't need you in my life anymore, and frankly, I don't want you in it. I don't need to be your friend. So don't follow me on Twitter, delete me from your Snapchat, and block my number. I've already blocked yours.

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To My Best Friend Dealing With A Broken Heart, We'll Get Through This Together

I can't actually fill that void.

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To my best friend dealing with a broken heart,

It won't last forever.

Your heart, scratch that—you—will heal. You're already strong, but you'll become tougher. You're already smart, but you'll become wiser. You're already sexy, but you'll become even more irresistible.

And I'll be here the entire time. I can't wait to see who you become.

It won't be easy. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that you'll be smiling and confidently strutting the streets by tomorrow. You have everything you need, but if your heart needs some time, take it. There's no rulebook. Honestly, I don't know how I got out of my rut, but I did and now I'm here. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I cried on end, but my support group–you–helped me through it one day at a time. Don't stress about what other people think—even me, forget my thoughts! Focus on you. What does your body need? What does your soul need?

I'm sorry. I wish I could take away this pain.

There's nothing that can compare to this feeling and I know I can't actually fill that void—no one can, other than you.

You never think it'll happen to you.

You had the future planned out. You shared your deepest darkest secrets. You both shared, I love you's and genuinely meant it. Of course, there were happy times. It was all real. I won't bash your ex unless you need me to (personally, I cringe anytime someone speaks badly of my ex... at the end of the day, I loved that man) but, just know, you did everything you could.

It wasn't meant to be and, one day, you will find your happily ever after. That love will be greater than anything you can ever imagine.

I'm not going to sit here and let you mope. The memories will never fade, but at this moment, forget about the past and the future, only the now. If you are angry, punch a wall, but steer away from feeling regret. Nothing in life is worth regretting over. It is all lessons-learned and adventures to remember later on.

This will pass and you will laugh about it. When I heard that for the first time, I wanted to scream, I could never laugh at the situation, but here I am now. You lost someone and that's never easy, but you've also gained so much experience.

You are gorgeous and breathtaking, you better start believing it because anyone would be so lucky to have you in their life.

Today, you start loving yourself.

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