When I tell people that I'm not a fan of casual hookups, they usually make the assumption that it's because I require an emotional attachment or some sort of commitment involved, but that isn't necessarily the case. It's mostly because the majority of the time it's anti-climactic. Literally. I've noticed that being involved with a man sexually has been more pleasurable all around when we're in a relationship or he's invested in me in some kind of way.
With hookups, guys expected me to give them the ultimate blow job featuring the vacuum seal double hand twist gawk gawk combination 3000 with extra spit while they either said they don't go down on girls, they seemed uninterested in getting me off as well, or they just did the bare minimum. This assured me that maybe casual hookups weren't worth it.
Recently an ongoing debate sparked by a viral video on Twitter featuring Kelly Grove, M.S., a sex educator based in Florida, confirmed everything I had been saying about how casual hookups aren't good.
"If you go on a heterosexual hookup," she explains "you have an 11% chance of orgasming. If you go on a lesbian hookup, you have a 93% chance of both women orgasming." The replies and comments from Twitter users went rampant, but the common factor I've noticed was that both men and women agreed upon one thing: Generally speaking, guys aren't inclined to focus on women's pleasure in bed during casual encounters.
Let's get to the facts.
Is this just a misconception? Is this just about people needing something to bitch about on Twitter? Well, as much as I hate to say it, the orgasm disparity between certain genders and sexual orientation is legitimate. It's called the orgasm gap, in which heterosexual women are the least likely out of any demographic regarding sexual orientation to consistently orgasm during sex.
Multiple studies show that during relationships, heterosexual women have a 65% chance or orgasm whereas, with casual hookups, the percentage drops significantly from anywhere between 11-24% depending on how many previous sexual experiences she's had with that guy. The percentage of lesbian women's likelihood of orgasming increases to nearly the same amount as straight men.
You'll often hear people say that the reason for the orgasm gap is only because women know what other women want, but by this logic, there would be a larger disparity between the likelihood of gay men achieving orgasm vs. straight men which there isn't one at all.
Then what's the true reason for the disconnect?
As Kelly Grove, M.S., stated in the video about erogenous zones, guys aren't showing enough attention to the parts of sex outside of penetration. Unfortunately, many men believe that penetration to the point that they have to ram themselves into a girl's cervix is the key to pleasing women. This assumption comes from the misinformation that men receive from mainstream pornography where it looks like the woman is climaxing only through penetration. Also, their ambitions for pleasing women seem to indicate egotistic motivations during sex. A recent study published by the Journal of Sex Research reveals that heterosexual men tend to use their partner's orgasm to boost their own ego. Each participant in the study was asked to read a vignette about a sexual encounter they have with an attractive woman. In some scenarios, the women had an orgasm and in others, she did not. The researchers found that men reported higher sexual self-esteem and manliness when they pictured the woman reaching orgasm during sex. This suggests that in some aspects, heterosexual men make sex about feeling more masculine rather than pleasing the woman. Additionally, the study could explain why some heterosexual women fake their orgasms just to protect a guy's inflated ego.
But I'd be lying if I said straight men are completely at fault. Women have to actively prioritize their own pleasure and boost their standards in bed.
When it comes to having sex that actually makes you finish, there are three key instructions women need to follow. First, communicate. This can be done in more ways than one. You could literally tell the guy what you want and where you want it done. You could also communicate through other vocalizations like moaning or using more body language such as grabbing him or digging your fingernails with more aggression to let him know that you're close to reaching the big O. Second, switch to certain moves or positions that mimic the way you masturbate. For example, I usually masturbate on my stomach rather than my back so I like it when I'm positioned lying flat on my belly with my legs straight while the guy is on top of me, entering from behind for a deeper thrust while we take turns maneuvering our hands to my clitoris. Sometimes utilizing our hands isn't even necessary depending on how the friction feels from the bed sheets on my clitoris. Third, don't internalize the myth that your anatomy and pleasure are complicated by nature. Sometimes one of the main reasons women fake orgasms is because they feel like they won't finish anyway so as long as their partner does then they'll be OK. Ladies, learn to prioritize your pleasure as much as men prioritize their own. While I don't think that every good sexual experience needs to result in orgasm, let's be real. Sometimes we need to get our rocks off too.
So what now?
With that being said, the orgasm disparity between heterosexual women and every other sexual orientation is a nuanced conversation so my intention isn't to say that every casual hookup a woman has with a man will be trash. There are guys out there who genuinely want to make sure women come first. However, the numbers don't lie and I don't think we should just be having unfilling sex just for the sake of being young and sex-positive. So don't settle for guys who don't care about anything other than using you as a human fleshlight.