*Having sex with him was a nightmare, we could never get it right. Either I was trying too hard or I had flash backs from my past. I thought he wanted me to be like Nicki or a big booty stripper, I thought he wanted my boobs to be perfect, my stomach to be tight and my butt to be big. I tried to be as sexy but my body wouldn't cooperate, by forcing sex I was damaging our natural connection*

I met my partner a year ago and I’m proud to say this is my first and longest committed relationship. I’m pleasantly surprised because relationships are not easy. Before I met him, I was casually—nothing too serious.

Although I dated, I never felt satisfied, either I was left confused and alone or I found myself webbed in hot/cold emotions. My messy encounters were my fault. The guys I dated weren’t innocent but they damn sure weren’t guilty either. You see, I have a problem with sexual intercourse.

To be specific, I have pelvic floor dysfunction and vaginismus.

In fact, I had to seek treatment at three different pelvic floor specialists. Although I’m not a virgin anymore I still have my hymen. Weird, right?

By definition, pelvic floor dysfunction is the dropping down (prolapse) of the bladder, urethra, small intestine, rectum, uterus, or vagina caused by weakness of or injury to the ligaments, connective tissue, and muscles of the pelvis. Usually, this type of disorder is caused by trauma towards the vaginal canal.

In my case, my trauma was physical and mental. Listen, I am terrified of having sexual intercourse. The thought of having something foreign inside me is disturbing. My obsession with sex and my abnormalities began when I was 21-years-old. I was still a virgin at the time and I wanted to give it to the first football player I could find. In high school, I stuck to my guns. I pledged I would stay abstinent due to my religious beliefs. But honestly, God and I weren’t close like that and I did that good-girl thing on purpose.

The reason why I was so hell-bent on being a virgin was that I never felt like I was “pure.” I had my first sexual encounter when I was a child—I was sexually abused by my older male cousin from when I was four years old until I was a month shy of my 12th birthday. When I was in preschool, I had seen a couple of penises from older kids. I was introduced to porn when I was 8 and I had been sexually assaulted by classmates and family members. My memory is sharp, but I do remember something else happened to me that my brain blocked out.

As a young teen, I had a hard time accepting my attraction to men and my confusion towards my peers, male and female. I believed I was asexual. I remember thinking, God, what is wrong with me? In high school, whenever I would be kissing a guy and the moment came for things to go further, I would freeze like an ice cube, unmoving, I couldn’t move, I felt paralyzed. I still freeze up when I think I’m about to have sex or a hand is going to touch me.

I was diagnosed with pelvic floor dysfunction at age 22, a few months after I lost my virginity. My first partner damaged my vaginal lining. He—along with my negative experiences and emotions surrounding sex—caused my disorder. Sex with him was rough, demanding, and physically strenuous. Our bodies together were rigged. That night, my body wasn’t ready…but somehow, he forced his way through. The first time I had sex and the other times I had sex felt like this:

"Pelvic floor pain feels like sharp knifes stabbing the opening of your vagina"

*It’s a pain that grips tightly digging its blade in your soft flesh. The pain eradicates throughout your entire vaginal canal, it travels to your rectum then it fixates on your ovaries strumming them till they wear down. You can’t sit for long periods of times without spasm and occasionally you leak pee like an infant. Then the pain, when you have it, is so unbearable you can’t speak, as flesh rips you to shreds. Every time you have intercourse your body punishes you. And days later it reminds you to never do it again. The mere thought of having or thinking about sex makes you ache. No matter how ready you are, your vagina spits all things inserted out. And on the worst days, my vagina refuses to open.*

Now that I look back on on the previous relationship, it wasn’t love—it was hardcore pornography and like when I was child, I laid there unconscious, unresponsive, separating myself from the situation, watching then waiting till he was done.

I’m not sure why I decided to have sex—I obviously was not ready for it, physically or emotionally. But no one talks about the emotional or spiritual responsibility that comes with sex. The media tells us sex feels good and it’s great. We already knew sex was good because if It wasn’t humans would not exist.

But my problem with sex is the hypersexualized culture that we live in. The culture that tells us to cross boundaries, that sex is freedom, sex is love, but it’s not any of those things.

I read an article a while ago that claimed there was no such thing as sex addiction. My whole life, people have either told me to not have sex or have sex with everybody! If that doesn’t sound like bipolar information, I don’t know what does.

The problem is that neither one of those sides is correct. STDs spread faster than California wildfires. How do I know? I got chlamydia the first time I had sex. I have seen what too much sex has done to people. I witnessed how religion has bound people in thinking sex is demonic. It’s not.

In true nature, sex is a good thing. But people, we, have caused sex to be dishonorable. People think having a lot of sex is expressing sexuality and it’s freeing and all this bullshit. But it’s not necessarily; if we can support women that have a lot of sex, why can’t we support the Muslim or Christian girl who is waiting to have sex with their husband? Sexual freedom is the right to choose whether to or not to have sex. No, sexual freedom is not sleeping around without condoms, transferring STDs to people, not getting tested, sleeping with married people, having multiple kids by multiple people, and using and abusing people to have sex with you!

The hookup culture that is fueled by social media DMs and dating sites is ruining real connections. It tramples on the idea of real bonding and building a foundation with another person. Sex is not intimate anymore: nowadays holding a conversation is more intimate than having sex. We all know a girl right now who has a “friends with benefits” guy she has feelings for but who doesn’t have the same feelings back. We all know a guy who has sex to keep from getting close to people.

We fear love more than we fear having unprotected sex, and we don’t know what love is. I sure as hell didn’t and I didn’t know until I met my guy. I thought we had to have sex to be in love, but love is so much more than sex. Do me a favor, stop having sex in your relationship for a while and see how your relationship goes. Are you really connected? Are you looking for real connection?

When I met him, I pressured him to have sex with me and I didn’t even want to have sex. I just did it because I thought that was what you were supposed to do in a relationship. I still had pelvic floor dysfunction, but yet again, here I was sacrificing my health to please others.

From my relationship, I I learned that I hadn’t healed from past traumatic experiences involving sex. I was damaged but I was also throwing my body at a man who was also damaged. I thought that’s what he wanted and I made sure I seduced him. Because every other guy I had ever encountered wanted sex. I thought having sex was a building block to a high-functioning relationship.

We attempted to have sex so many times, but each time we had a falling out—sex never brought us together, it divided us. Why? Because we didn’t know each other, we didn’t love each other, and we didn’t respect each other. I never knew I struggled with my sexual health until I met this guy. So, it’s been 6 months since we attempted to have sex, and I must say our relationship has strengthened and we have bonded, but we are so far from perfect.

Some days, my past flares up and my emotions are out of whack and other days it's like heaven. I have a lot of healing to do within myself in order for my relationship to continue. And I now know, for the next time, I need to be fully ready before I add sex to the picture. Who knows, I might actually decide to wait until marriage. But for now, I'm totally committed to a celibate lifestyle.

But that’s an article for another day.