I'm Not A Crazy Girlfriend, It's Just My Anxiety

I'm Not A Crazy Girlfriend, It's Just My Anxiety

Believe me, if you saw my relationship from the outside you would absolutely label me as a crazy girlfriend. I feel that way sometimes, too, but I promise that it's just my anxiety.

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I have "crazy girlfriend" tendencies.

Believe me, if you saw my relationship from the outside you would absolutely label me as a crazy girlfriend. I feel that way sometimes, too, but I promise that it's just my anxiety.

As much as I hate it, I am in a constant state or worry and I feel as if I need to be in control at all times. I tell myself to let things go, but it's as if my mind is telling me that I need to keep close tabs on my boyfriend at all time. My mind is always convincing me that if I say one thing wrong or don't overanalyze everything about every situation then my relationship will fail. The smallest things trigger me, but I promise, it is so far out of my control.

Without knowing his location, my anxiety takes over.

It's not that I don't trust where he is or who he's with, because I'm almost positive that he's either at home or at school or at work. It's just that if I don't know where he is and I haven't heard from him in awhile, my mind automatically jumps to the worst case scenario—that he's dead in a ditch. I feel absolutely crazy wanting to know where he is all of the time, but sometimes not knowing is even worse and has me preparing what I would say at his funeral.

If he leaves me on read, my anxiety takes over.

I could really care less if he has his read receipts on or not, but because he does have them on, being left on read is the cause for so much unnecessary anxiety. Sending a text to say that you're in the middle of something takes only a few seconds, and I know that, which causes my mind to immediately wonder why he would open a text and not respond. I fear that I'm suddenly not good enough for him, that I said something wrong and made him upset, or I fear that the worst has happened to him. I feel crazy as I double text him asking why he didn't reply, but no matter how hard I try, my mind won't let it go.

If he's hanging out with friends, my anxiety takes over.

I'm not his mom, so I can't and don't tell him who he is and isn't allowed to hang out with and when he can and can't hang out with his friends. That simply is not my job. But I end up worrying about him like I am his mom when he does hang out with friends. I know that he's a god guy and I 100% trust his judgment, but I don't know his friends and I constantly worry that one of them will pressure him into doing something that he shouldn't, or that one of them will make a dumb decision that will put my boyfriend in danger as well. I want him to go out and have fun, but I've seen boys be stupid and my anxiety immediately tells me that his friends are going to be stupid as well.

If he changes his profile picture, my anxiety takes over.

This makes me feel so stupid, and I admit, the first time I ever told him that this was triggering for me was an embarrassing day, but it comes with a backstory. A few years ago he changed his profile picture to a picture that I wasn't in and the next morning, I woke up to a text saying that he thought that things would be best if we took a break for a little bit. Even to this day, a simple change in his profile picture forces my mind to race and assume that it's because he's mad at me. I am in a constant state of worry that history is going to repeat itself. This is something that he will likely never understand and, to be honest, I'm not even sure that I fully understand it.

Anxiety has a crazy way of working like that.

If he's in a group chat, my anxiety takes over.

I'm not being self-centered and saying that every time he's in a group chat they're talking about me, but he's told me on more than one occasion that my name has been brought up and I would love to know what's being said about me. In the past, he's had friends make derogatory comments about me, and while I 100% trust him to shut things like that down, I am in a constant state of paranoia wondering if someone will say something like that again. He's also had friends who will try to convince him that he'd be better off single. I know that he would never believe them if he told me that, but I would kill to know if that's what's being said about me. My anxiety convinces me that his friends hate me and that the second they hear my name they have to make their bitter feelings known.

As badly as I want to be the laid-back girlfriend who is worry-free, my anxiety will never let me do that. I applaud my boyfriend because I know that it's something that is so hard to understand. I am forever thankful that he so willingly does what I need him to do to make me feel more comfortable. I am so thankful for the endless hours that he spends trying to get me to believe that this really is all in my head and that he would never do anything to hurt me. I am so thankful that no matter what, he will never see me as being a crazy girlfriend because he understands that this is something that I can't control.

Literally, so hot RN

Literally, so hot RN

An Open Letter To The Girl In A Toxic Relationship Who Doesn't See The Signs To Let Go

"it took letting go to realize that I was holding onto nothing" -R.H Sin

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Dear you,

I hope you're doing well. I once thought I was too. I once thought that if he would just change, for me, everything would work. However, my sweet girl, you should not have to change people, you should not have to push people to be better, for you. You cannot help anyone, that does not want to help themselves.

In the movies, we learn to love a bad boy that needs changing. However, it isn't always your job to be boys saving grace. However, his shaming and emotional abuse is not just something you should put up with so that you can love him. That is not loving.

Love is not a constant competition of who could belittle the other one first. Love is not asking for a hug and being told no. Love does not make you feel stupid for bringing up things that hurt your feelings.

Love does not grow angry because you talk to your mom about your feelings. Love does not body shame. Love does not constantly change the passcode to their phone.

Love does not laugh when you find out they're unfaithful. Love does not tell you that you are not smart enough to accomplish anything. Love does not force their hand up your thigh when the words "no" slip out of your mouth.

Love is the warmth of a hand on your cheek when you get anxious. Love is getting your backpack out the car for you. Love is turning around when you need them. Love compromises.

Love is encouraging. Love is proud. Love is forgiving. Love sees you for who you are. Love knows you are worthy.

God is your Father and you are His daughter, so do not believe for one second that this abuse is the love you think you deserve.

Love will not always be easy. Love will be challenging and a constant prayer to not anger so quickly.

However, do not mix up challenging with the abuse. If you are losing the good pieces of yourself, then it isn't love. I know that you put a lot of time and effort into this relationship, but it is no good, you are holding on to someone whose heart is not in the right place to love you.

I connected with a poem from R. H. Sin, once I left my toxic relationship which reads, "it took letting go to realize that I was holding onto nothing."

Darling girl, you are so loved by so many people, do not let this relationship hold you back or make you feel less worthy than you are. I have always been the girl with her nose stuck up in the air smelling for smoke, to follow the trail to a burning house to find a boy that needed saving, but it is more than likely a boy that lit the fire in the first place and needs changing.

So, do not be me, be better. Be the girl that lights her own world on fire, for her work, for her family, for God. You are you and you are amazing, so do not fear being without him.

You will feel as if you have come up for air after drowning in an ocean that you had no idea you were swimming in.

The emotional abuse that this boy has put you through and maybe even physical abuse will leave you building walls around your heart. It will make other relationships hard, but you are so so strong.

You will meet someone that makes you so happy and feel so easy to love, you will never understand how you stuck around with the one that hurt you for so long.

You deserve to grow from this, and I promise you will.

Let go.

xoxo,

The girl who learned from a toxic relationship

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Being Far Away From My Boyfriend Actually Strengthened Our Relationship Instead Of Forcing It Apart

While we were apart, we became closer.

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Before I really start this article, I just want to say that my relationship isn't truly a long distance relationship. We are both college students at the same university eight months out of the year, but the other four months we live quite a distance apart. Even during those four months, we are only about 150 miles from each other as the bird flies, but really about three hours from each other.

Being in a relationship where I'm not able to see my boyfriend every day or even every week has been a real challenge. But it's been a good challenge. It hasn't been a challenge because I've felt unfaithful or fallen out of love with him in any way. It's challenging because I miss him. We both work jobs and our schedules aren't the same and oftentimes we aren't able to talk to each other unless it's early in the morning or late at night. There are times when all I want to do is talk to him and tell him about how my day went and get a big bear hug from him. Unfortunately, I'm not really able to do this.

I firmly believe that being apart from each other for days, weeks, or even months have brought us closer than we could've ever imagined. We knew that this would be difficult, and we knew that there would be bad days, but we decided to power through it. It has made each time that we are able to see each other so much more special and meaningful.

Seeing each other has become more of spending time with each other than just laying around on the couch playing around on our phones. It's become really getting to know each other better and catching up on all the things we had missed. It's become a time for us to simply be in each other's presence and enjoy being able to talk face to face without a phone in the middle of us. We go on more adventurous dates, we take more pictures, and I think we would both easily say that we fall more and more in love with each other after each opportunity we have to spend time together.

Spending time together is no longer a daily activity, but it has become a right to be earned through hard work and several paychecks as travel can become expensive. We no longer take opportunities to see each other for granted, and it has made us grow closer because we aren't able to spend time together often. We look forward to the days when we won't have to worry about being apart but know that this is only a stepping stone in our relationship.

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